Betrayal
by Hank's Lady
Summary: 2ND PLACE IN THE 'BEST CROSSOVER' CATEGORY OF APRIL 2013 NON-CANON AWARDS. Crossover set in the world of Remember Me. Tyler is betrayed by two of the people closest to him and finds help and new direction in the form of Jacob Black. But is betrayal and loss about to feature again in his life? Slash story, rated M for adult themes.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:- None of the "Remember Me" or "Twilight" characters belong to me, I am merely borrowing them for the duration of the story. Any original characters I may introduce are mine.**

**This is something new for me, an idea for a crossover just popped into my head and since my muse refuses to be ignored, I decided to go ahead and write it. Hope that you enjoy it at least a little bit ;o)**

**If you're a "Twilight" fan and haven't seen the movie "Remember Me", picture a rougher, angsty 21-year-old Edward Cullen and you have Tyler Hawkins. The story is set in the world of "Remember Me" (New York City, early Noughties) with the addition of "Twilight" characters, Jacob Black being the main one. **

**The story is all human and is rated 'M' for sex, violence and language. It's slash, as most of my stories are, so if this isn't your thing, give it a miss.**

CHAPTER ONE

**Tyler's POV**

I slumped down further in my seat, barely listening as the professor droned on endlessly in a monotone. I had spent almost three years wondering why the hell I bothered majoring in Sociology, but typically I hadn't actually done anything to improve the situation. I could have switched during the first year, but I hadn't been able to make a decision on what to major in instead, so I stuck with it - and hated every damned boring lecture and paper. So far I had managed not to flunk, but I knew it was by the skin of my teeth and if I didn't move my ass for the last year, I would never get a good grade in the final exams. It wasn't that I was stupid - if that had been the case I wouldn't have had a hope of getting as far as I had - it was that I had no motivation and couldn't bring myself to care much about where I ended up.

Shrugging, I pulled a stick of gum out of my pocket, unwrapped it and shoved it into my mouth, rolling up the small square of paper foil and flicking it towards the bent head in front of me, quickly earning myself a scowl as the redhead brushed a hand over her hair and turned around. I smirked and raised an eyebrow.

"Jerk," she hissed and turned back to her notes.

I twisted my head around to look for my best friend and room mate, Aidan. He was probably sitting behind me, grinning at my childish behaviour as usual. His seat was empty and I frowned. Aidan _never_ ditched. Even if he was dying in bed of some incurable disease he would have dragged himself to his lectures. I'd never seen anyone more annoyingly determined not to fail, but a second glance confirmed his seat was in fact empty.

I picked up my pen and began to doodle in my notebook, sketching a naked girl with big tits and a fake smile. She looked nothing like Ally, my girlfriend. Ally had barely a handful at the top, her figure slim and boyish and she was bossy, stubborn and determined. I loved her; she was the only thing I really did care about, that gave me some sort of purpose. Somehow she had managed to put up with me for six months, even forgiving me for beginning to date her as a bet with Aidan that I could get her in the sack after her father, the cop, arrested me for one of my stupid fights. She had broken up with me when she found out, packed her things, stormed out and refused to answer my calls while I moped and drank and picked fights with people I didn't know - my usual behaviour. I hadn't expected her to come back, but Aidan had gone to see her and begged forgiveness on my behalf. I never knew what he said exactly, but she gave me another chance and moved back in. The last four months had been pretty damned good.

I grinned to myself as I thought about her. She would be home studying, having no lectures that day, waiting for me to go back to the apartment after my classes ended. I could imagine her preparing an early dinner for us, leaving it to burn while we tore each other's clothes off and staggered into the bedroom, falling upon each other like starving animals. My cock twitched in my pants and I grinned wider. I couldn't wait to get out of this fucking boring lecture. I would race home during the lunch break - if I hurried, we would have half an hour before my next class. Just enough time for a quick fuck if we didn't bother with much foreplay. I began to harden and shifted my position impatiently, unconcerned if any of the other students noticed. They would probably just be envious that I apparently had something more interesting to think about than religious cults, which was what today's riveting presentation was about.

The rest of the hour crawled by. Several times I was certain the clock on the wall above the professor's head had broken, but the hands crept laboriously around the dial towards twelve and at last we were released from the torture. I shoved my notebook into my bookbag and fled to the long row of bicycles chained to the stands along the wall of the building. In another minute I was pedalling furiously back to the apartment, risking life and limb by dodging in and out of the traffic in an effort not to have to slow down. I arrived breathless in ten minutes, leaped off the bike and hoisted it up onto my shoulder as I entered the building.

I ran up the stairs eagerly, my heart pounding and my cock stiffening again at the thought of grabbing her and throwing her onto the bed. I stopped outside the apartment, lowering the bike to the ground, and pushed the door ajar an inch, reminding myself for the hundredth time to get a deadbolt. Ally and Aidan were always bringing it up, although they never did anything about it themselves.

"Mmm..."

My eyes widened as I heard her moan and I smirked to myself. She obviously couldn't wait for me to get back. I paused another moment, holding my breath and listening. Gradually my heart seemed to stop beating and my whole body froze, immobile as I heard her again.

"Mmm, yes! Oh, God, Aidan!"

I flung the door open and it crashed against the wall, knocking out a chunk of plaster. I could see my bed the minute I took one step inside. The pair of them were scrambling apart, red-faced, grabbing for their clothes, babbling shit about it not being what it looked like. I wasn't even thinking, I just felt. I felt sick, enraged and every little bit of hatred and pain I ever felt about my father redirected itself towards my girlfriend and my best friend. I snatched up my bike, charged towards the bedroom and launched it at them.

"What the fuck?" Aidan yelped, throwing himself in front of Ally. The bike hit him in the head and the chest and he fell backwards onto the bed, shoving it off him with one hand and yanking his shorts up the rest of the way with the other. He still had a condom on, I noticed, and fought back the urge to vomit.

"What the fuck, huh?" I snarled. "What the fuck are you doing? You piece of shit, Aidan! What kind of friend are you? You can't get your own girl so you have to fuck mine?"

"Tyler, stop it, calm down," Ally said, approaching me wearing nothing but her panties that she had pulled on inside out, and a shirt - Aidan's shirt.

"Calm down? So you can try and explain why you're in our bed with my room mate? What, am I not enough for you? One cock not enough for you, fucking cheating _slut!"_

"Tyler, back off!" Aidan stepped between Ally and me, his head bleeding where the bike had hit him, his hands up as if to ward me off. "Let's talk about this..."

"Talk? You want to _talk?_ Don't you think you should have _talked_ before you _fucked _each other? Why'd you bother coming back, Ally, huh? If you wanted him, _why bother?"_

"Because I thought you loved me!" she shouted back, pushing Aidan out of the way.

I snorted, almost laughing. "This is how you treat people who love you, is it? Obviously you don't feel the same."

"Tyler, I am sick of this, ok? You're never here. You're never with me, even when you're here, you're not. You're so screwed up over your family shit, you never pay attention to what's going on around you. I am lonely and I'm tired of trying to reach you..."

"So you get over your loneliness by fucking someone else; my best friend?" I threw a punch before I could stop myself. My fist struck her cheekbone and she fell to the ground with a cry, clutching her face.

"You fucking jerk!" Aidan snarled and threw himself at me like she was his and he had to save her from me. I stumbled backwards and bumped into the wall and we fell to the floor, punching and pummelling each other. Aidan had always been shit at fighting and I quickly got the upper hand, hitting him in the face and the stomach until he was choking and panting for breath and simply covering his face with his forearms to protect himself, spitting blood as he gasped, "I'm sorry," over and over.

Ally pulled herself up slowly and began to get dressed as I sat back on my heels, rubbing my skinned knuckles, panting and swearing and struggling not to let hurt overtake anger. I wanted to curl up and cry, but damned if I was going to do it in front of either of them.

"You always have to resort to violence," Ally said bitterly, pulling her boots on.

"Maybe I don't like finding out I'm dating a _tramp!"_ I growled.

I risked a glance at her and grimaced at the rapidly darkening mark on her face and I hated myself for feeling guilty. She deserved it, I told myself and ignored the little voice in my head which condemned me for hitting a girl. I hauled myself to my feet and stumbled towards the door.

"You might as well stay here," I aimed at her. "I'm gone."

"This is your apartment," Ally said, barely above a whisper.

"Not any more." I walked out, leaving the door open, and shuffled down the stairs. I had no clue where I was going; all I had with me was my bookbag and my wallet and phone. Any thought of going back for my last class of the day left me and I wandered aimlessly, grinding my teeth, my eyes burning with the effort of not breaking down in the middle of the street and bawling like a child who'd had its favourite toy taken away.

I completely lost track of time as I drifted along the busy streets, occasionally earning a sharp word from a passerby as I blindly bumped into them, my feet eventually taking me towards the bar I frequented; the bar I frequented with Aidan. I halted outside with a sigh. I felt lost. The two people I cared about most in the world after my little sister Caroline had cheated on me with each other and I felt more alone than I ever had before. What I wanted more than anything right now was a drink - a lot of drinks to blot out the shock and hurt of catching them together.

I turned away from the building I had been about to enter and strode across the street, almost getting myself run over by a cab in the process, the driver honking angrily and yelling a stream of invective out of the window. I ignored him, turned left and walked into the first bar I came across, one I'd never been in or even noticed before. It was quiet for the time of day and I guessed most people were in class or in work. Most people didn't need to drown their sorrows after they caught their buddy fucking their girlfriend.

"What can I get you?" the bartender asked me and I looked up. He was huge - six-four at least, packed with muscle and sporting tattoos all the way up both arms and on what was visible of his chest in the open 'V' of the top part of his shirt. I shrugged and looked past him at the row of bottles on the shelf in front of a long mirror. I caught sight of myself and grimaced. I looked like shit.

"Bourbon," I heard myself say. "Double, straight up."

I usually drank beer, but this wasn't a usual day. Oblivion seemed like a tempting destination and the faster I got there the better. I took the glass and poured the contents down my neck in a couple of gulps, flinching as the whiskey burned its way to my stomach. I pushed the glass across the bar towards the tattooed bartender.

"Another."

"Rough day?" He snagged the bottle again and poured another generous measure, but kept the glass on his side of the bar for a second. "You got a way to pay for this?"

I snorted as I pulled out my wallet. I knew I looked like a typical penniless student in my ripped jeans and wrinkled shirt. I tossed my gold card onto the bar and reached for the glass.

I didn't notice how much time passed or how much I drank. All I was aware of was that gradually I was slipping away from what had happened earlier and entering a warm and blurry state where nothing really mattered - not Ally, not Aidan, not my father and the fact that he didn't give a shit about the fact Caroline was desperate for his attention. I, on the other hand, was desperate to avoid his attention and failed miserably most of the time.

I picked up my glass, finding it had been refilled once again by the bartender who had obviously decided to help me forget. He was a nice guy. I had forgotten by then that he had my credit card behind the bar. I was pretty far gone by the time the bar started to fill up and someone other than my saviour with the bottle bothered to speak to me.

"Hey, you want some company?"

I glanced to my left and peered at the owner of the voice - a blond guy in jeans and a tee that was a couple sizes too tight.

"Not really," I grunted, wondering if I knew him.

"You look kinda lonely." I watched his hand extend towards me and land on my wrist. The fingers trailed up my arm to my elbow and back down and as I stiffened and glanced around me, realisation hit. There were two guys playing tonsil hockey not ten feet away.

_'I'm in a fucking gay bar.'_

"Get the hell off of me!" I exclaimed and stumbled as I jumped off the stool I was sitting on. I almost ended up in the guy's arms and I backed up quickly. "Don't touch me, fucking fag!"

I had nothing against gay guys - hell, I had fooled around with a guy in highschool once and not been in the least horrified by the fact that I enjoyed it, although I hadn't repeated the experience - but I was well on the way to being drunk and my tongue had no connection to my brain when that happened.

"Asshole!" the blond guy responded. "What the fuck are you doing in here, then?"

"Minding my own business."

"Well, go mind it somewhere else."

I threw a punch. This was what I did - I fought with random guys for no real reason other than I was pissed and they were in front of me and in my current state I was actually surprised when my fist connected with the guy's jaw. Suddenly arms grabbed me from behind, pulling me backwards.

"What the fuck, Tyler? What are you even doing in here?" a voice said. "Sorry," it continued, apparently to my victim. "He doesn't know what he's doing."

"Let go of me!" I growled, struggling fruitlessly against the muscular arms around me. Damnit, another one. "Fuck off! Don't touch me!"

"Will you shut the hell up?" The arms let go and instead I was gripped firmly by one bicep and the back of my neck and propelled towards the door. Once out on the street, I was released altogether and I lurched against the wall and leaned on it, looking up at the person who had dragged me out.

"Jacob Black," I muttered. He was in one of my classes. Mr Popular, always surrounded by a horde of friends and hot girls. I had to wonder what he'd been doing in that bar.

"Yeah," he said. "What were you doing in that place?"

"I was wondering the same about you."

"It's my favourite bar."

"You're a fag too?" I blurted.

"I'm gay, yes," Jacob replied with a frown. "Everybody knows that."

"Apart from me, clearly." I stared at him. "Why'd you come get me? Hell, you don't like me or something, do you?"

"Don't be ridiculous," snapped Jacob. "Have you seen yourself? You were behaving like a jerk and trying to start a fight with someone I hang out with."

"Your boyfriend?"

"Just a friend. What's the matter with you anyway? You weren't in class this afternoon and now you're drinking in a gay bar? I thought Russells was your haunt?"

"How'd you know that?" My voice had begun to slur and I realised the alcohol was having more of an effect now I was moving, typically.

"I don't know, I've seen you go in there. You didn't answer my question."

"Got sorrows to drown," I muttered.

"Well, you look like you need to go home. I'll get you a cab."

_'Home. It's not my home any more. Ally and Aidan are there - together.'_

"I can't go home!" I exclaimed.

"Why not?"

"Because my room mate's fucking my girlfriend in our apartment!"

"Oh, you found out then."

I stopped my slow stumble along the street beside him and grabbed him suddenly by the fronts of his shirt.

_'He knew? Who else knew? Were they all laughing at me?'_

"What the fuck do you know about it?" I yelled.

"Nothing, I just figured something was going on." Jacob gripped my wrists and pried me off, pushing me away and almost causing me to fall down. I clutched at a parking meter in an effort to stay on my feet.

"How long?" I bellowed.

"I don't know, couple weeks maybe."

"Why? Why are they doing that to me? Does everybody know?" I ranted. I barely knew what I was saying, but the pain I had felt before I started drinking doubled at the thought of half my class knowing what Aidan and Ally were doing and probably laughing their asses off while I continued to be oblivious.

"Why?"Jacob repeated suddenly. "Tyler, most of the time you're stuck so far up your own ass you wouldn't notice anything that's going on around you. You're probably the most self-obsessed guy in college and you behave like a jerk most of the time. Apparently your room mate and your girlfriend have the same opinion as everybody else."

"How the fuck did you know about them? Does everybody know they're...?" I repeated, shaken.

"No, it's not common knowledge, I'm just observant. I don't know them, or you, but people's behaviour interests me. It's what we're studying after all."

"Well, you got no business putting me under the microscope; nor does anybody else."

"You put yourself there, Tyler, by the way you act all the time. If you get the wrong kind of attention, you only have yourself to blame," Jacob said mildly.

I wanted to argue with him, throw a punch at him like I had the guy in the bar, but everything he said was whirling around in my head and all I could think at that moment was that he was right. I was a self-obsessed jerk, so busy worrying about my own shit that I didn't notice anything else. Ally said the exact same thing - I was too busy being screwed up to be with her properly. It was my fault she cheated; my fault people didn't like me; my fault I was alone and drunk, being dragged out of a bar by someone I barely knew.

"Why'd you come get me again?" I said again.

"You were causing trouble and you looked like could use some help."

"You're a regular fucking Good Samaritan, aren't you?" I grumbled and turned away from him as all the whiskey I had swallowed suddenly decided to make a reappearance.

My legs gave out and I slumped to my knees on the edge of the sidewalk, heaving repeatedly into the gutter. My eyes watered as I vomited violently until my stomach hurt and I wrapped my arms around myself, shivering. I felt pretty worthless right then, not for the first time, and all I wanted to do was crawl home and fall into bed - the very bed which was probably still occupied by Ally and Aidan.

I let out a choking sob, aware that I was only making myself appear more pathetic, but unable to suppress the tears as they began to drip down my face. I had no idea what I was going to do and I just kneeled there on the ground and cried until I was dragged to my feet again. I didn't remember what happened after that. I was vaguely aware of being in a cab and then an elevator and then a soft pillow was under my head and I was drifting away from reality into a dreamless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to everyone who is reading this one; glad you like it so far! Now for a change of POV...**

CHAPTER TWO

**Jacob's POV**

What was that line from that corny old movie, 'Pretty in Pink'? '_Big mistake...big...huge.'_

That was exactly how I felt by the time I dumped Tyler Hawkins in my bed and retired to the couch. He had fought, puked, cried and then puked some more - all over himself - when we had gotten out of the cab. He was barely able to keep on his feet by then and mumbled nonsense constantly. I put on a pair of rubber gloves which I used for cleaning the bathroom, took his shirt and pants off and threw them in the washing machine, then the dryer while he snored his head off. I probably should have left him on the couch; it would be easier to clean if he threw up again. I guess I was just too nice for my own good sometimes.

I didn't really know much about the guy, other than that he'd been in some of my classes for almost three years. He behaved like a jerk around campus, often drawing attention to himself. He and his room mate played stupid pranks in the first year and then Aidan buckled down and worked while Tyler continued the same way and rapidly got worse when he reached twenty-one and was legally able to drink. He frequently arrived at morning lectures looking hungover and it was only hooking up with Allyssa Craig that seemed to do him some good. He was still self-obsessed and far too keen on beer, cigarettes and fighting, but I wouldn't have wished finding Ally and Aidan in bed together on anybody. That must have hurt like a bitch. I'd been there myself a few months back. Well, not there exactly; at least I hadn't had to walk in and see them.

I'd been close friends with my room mate, Paul, when we lived on campus and somehow we fell into a relationship, going on to get an apartment together for our second year in college. Mostly things had been good between us - right up until he broke up with me, saying he wanted someone else. It turned out that he had already been seeing that someone else for a month behind my back and I was hurt and furious at the same time. He moved out and I'd managed without a room mate since. Money was a little tight, but I could just about do it. Paul and Embry had lasted another two months and then split so it seemed like the whole thing had been a complete waste, which only annoyed me more. I was over it now and Paul and I had managed to revert to being slightly uncomfortable friends, but I was wary about getting involved with anybody else.

I kept my jeans on and sprawled on the couch with a blanket over me, cursing myself again for interfering in Tyler's shit. It would be just my luck for him to get sick again and choke to death in my bed while I slept. Therefore I only dozed with one ear open for some time, listening to his rattling snores and thinking. Eventually I must have slept properly and when I opened my eyes and glanced through the doorway towards the bed, I noticed my unwelcome guest beginning to wake up, groaning and stretching and rubbing his hands over his face. I got up quickly and went to make two strong, black coffees, figuring he could have his the same way I had mine whether he liked it or not. I was adding a generous spoonful of sugar to each when Tyler appeared in his boxers and socks, his face red and angry.

"What the hell did you do to me? Did you fuck me?" he demanded, before groaning and pressing his hands to his temples.

_'Big mistake...huge...'_

"You'd know about it if I had," I said mildly.

Tyler's face turned slowly from red to white and he clenched his fists.

"I didn't touch you," I added with a sigh. "You threw up all over yourself; your clothes are in the dryer." I opened the door of the machine, grabbed the shirt and jeans and threw them at him.

"Oh...um...I'm sorry."

"Here." I held out one of the coffee mugs and he took it and retreated to the bedroom to put his clothes on. I went to take a shower and when I emerged ten minutes later, my nostrils were immediately assaulted by the pungent smell of cigarette smoke. Tyler was leaning out of the bedroom window, but some of the smoke drifted back in.

"Tyler, don't smoke in my house, please."

"I'm done." He flicked the remains of the cigarette outside and closed the window. "Look...I'm sorry about yesterday. I was a mess and you helped me out, so thanks. I didn't deserve it."

"No, you didn't; I'm too nice most of the time."

"I'll get out of your hair; I got a lecture to get to anyway."

"It's the same one I have; it doesn't start for an hour," I told him. "At least take a shower first."

"Ok. Thanks." He headed for the bathroom and I made myself some breakfast while I waited. When he emerged, damp hair sticking out at odd angles all over his head, he looked somewhat better.

"You want breakfast?" I offered, but he shook his head. "You're not going to eat anything?"

"I couldn't stomach it right now." He grimaced and grabbed his bookbag which I had left beside the bed. "How far from college are we?"

"Ten minute ride on the subway." I picked up the things I needed for that day and we left together, walked to the nearest subway station and bought tickets.

"Do you live alone in that apartment?" Tyler asked me.

"Yes."

"How do you afford it?"

"I work hard, you should try it some time," I muttered.

"You know fuck all about me!" Tyler's more pleasant demeanour vanished in a second. "I work in a book store!"

"The one your step-father owns?" I knew that only because Diane Hawkins, Tyler's mother, had been noted in the newspaper when she remarried. His name was Les Hirsch and the large book store most of the college students used was called 'L Hirsch Literary Agents'.

Tyler chewed his lip for a second and sighed. "Yeah. Well, it must be nice having a place to yourself."

"It wasn't always the case. I had a room mate until a few months ago." I stepped away from him as the train pulled up, doors springing open. He lingered on the platform and joined me in the car at the last second before the doors closed again.

"What happened to him?" he asked.

"Who?"

"Your room mate."

"I made the mistake of getting involved with him. It didn't work out and he left." I didn't know why I told him that; I had no need to tell him anything. Once we reached the college I would be free of him, thankfully.

"I'm sorry," Tyler said.

I raised my eyebrows.

"I mean it."

We didn't speak again until we were off the subway and walking into college and then it was only about the paper we had been asked to write, which I had done the same day requested and Tyler hadn't even looked at.

"Don't you want to pass this class?" I asked and his response was just a shrug.

I left him at the door and went to take my usual seat, assuming that after the lecture he would take off and that would be that. I was out of luck. He joined me on the way out, bemoaning the fact that he still had to write the paper otherwise he would be missing a grade for his coursework.

"Would it really kill you to just write the damned thing?" I frowned.

I was trying to think of something to say to get rid of him, when we rounded a corner and spotted Aidan and Ally standing close together, talking, a few yards away. Tyler stopped dead in his tracks, his jaw stiffening.

"Fuck," he muttered.

The pair caught sight of us after a few seconds and stood staring anxiously as Tyler suddenly began to stride towards them. One of Aidan's eyes was almost swollen shut and Ally had a bruised cheekbone, I noticed; apparently Tyler's work.

"What are you looking at? Fucking back-stabbers!" Tyler spat.

I groaned. Ally's face turned red and Aidan bit his lip while a number of other people turned to observe. I wanted nothing more than to walk away, but somehow it seemed down to me to try to prevent what was obviously going to become another scene.

"Tyler, don't start anything," Aidan said quietly, raising both hands. "I'm sorry, ok?"

"Sorry!" Tyler sneered. "That's bullshit and you know it. If you were so sorry you wouldn't still be together. Are you dating now, or what?"

"Um...well..." Aidan shrugged and looked away, shame-faced.

"What does it matter?" Ally said loudly. "You think I want anything more to do with you after you hit me?"

A couple of onlookers whispered to each other and frowned in Tyler's direction.

"Tyler, just drop it, will you?" I said, resigned as I walked towards them. He ignored me.

"I had a lucky escape, slut!" he growled and then looked back at Aidan. "What was your excuse? You must have been laughing your fucking ass off behind my back!"

"It wasn't like that," Aidan protested. "It just happened."

"Right - and it's been 'just happening' for the last couple of weeks, has it?"

Tyler lunged and I threw myself forward, grabbing him just before his fists connected with his former friend's face. A larger crowd was forming and I wished yet again I had made myself walk away. I pinned his arms to his sides and dragged him backwards a few steps. Surprisingly he didn't struggle, but bellowed a parting shot at the red-faced pair.

"You know what, Ally? You're welcome to each other! Jacob Black's a much better fuck than you anyway! I hope you're happy together!"

Jaws dropped, particularly Ally and Aidan's as Tyler wrenched himself away from me and stalked off. A few members of the crowd watching gasped or sniggered and I inwardly rolled my eyes. If I hadn't regretted helping him before, I sure as hell did now. I followed him quickly, anxious to get away from the audience since I had now been dragged into the gossip which was sure to ensue.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I demanded when I caught him up.

"I don't know why you're complaining; half the gay guys in school are gonna be after your ass now," he responded.

"You're an idiot, Tyler!" I snapped. "You might like constant attention, but I don't! Just stay away from me from now on."

"You came to me, remember?" he pointed out. "Don't worry, I won't bother you again."

He walked off and was quickly out of sight. I didn't see him any more for the rest of the day and I did my best to keep myself under the radar, but two people asked me if really slept with Tyler. Maybe it was stupid not to set things straight, but somehow I didn't want to drop him in it. I saw beneath the angry, often offensive exterior to the person who had been hurt and I reasoned that he made himself look bad enough already without being proved a liar on top of everything else.

"He spent the night with me," I mumbled, which was at least the truth.

I was relieved when my last class of the day ended and I could escape. I was well aware that people were whispering and although Ally and Aidan didn't come near me, they eyed me curiously from a distance and I could tell the situation wasn't going to go away any time soon. Thankfully the next day was Friday and I had no classes, so I could at least avoid everybody until after the weekend.

I spent Friday home studying and writing a paper one of my tutors had asked the class to complete in the next week. I preferred to get things done immediately rather than be worrying about it at the last minute and by the middle of the afternoon everything was finished. I went to work for a few hours in the garage where I'd had a job for the past two years and bought groceries on the way home, then decided to spend the evening alone in front of my TV.

Jasper, one of my friends, called to ask me to go hang out with him and his girlfriend Alice, but I declined.

"Busy with Tyler?" he asked. I could hear the grin in his voice and I bit my lip. I hadn't seen him in class Thursday and I was only surprised he hadn't called before if he heard about what happened.

"That was nothing," I said.

"Really? Not like you to sleep around, Jake."

"I didn't, ok? He just said that because he was pissed over his girlfriend cheating."

"And you went along with it?"

"Maybe I felt sorry for the guy; been there, remember?" I said.

"Yeah; you're ok, though, right?" Jasper pressed.

"Yes. Go have fun, I'll catch up with you over the weekend."

I switched on the television, grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator and threw myself on the couch, but the programme didn't hold my interest for long. Somehow the object of my irritation kept coming to mind and I couldn't help wondering where he was. He hadn't been seen since he made a spectacle of himself on Thursday.

Around ten o'clock my intercom buzzed and I hauled myself up, curious. My friends didn't generally come over without any warning and no one turned up this late.

"Yes?" I answered and for a moment there was silence. I had almost decided it was some stupid kid fooling around pressing buttons and was about to hang up when I got an answer.

"Hey. It's...um...it's Tyler."

_'Shit.'_

"What do you want?" I asked.

"Can I come up?"

"What do you want, Tyler?" I repeated.

"I just want to talk to you. Apologise, I guess."

"You guess?"

"Please, Jake, will you just let me in? I don't want to stand here talking on the sidewalk like a fucking..."

"Alright!" I snapped, punching the door release. _'Damnit. There goes my peaceful evening.'_

I suppose I should have just told him to go away, but part of me was curious to hear what he had to say. I opened my apartment door and waited for him to get off the elevator. When he did a minute later, he looked more or less the same as the last time I had seen him, but a touch worse - same clothes with more wrinkles, wild uncombed hair, an extra couple days' stubble on his face and he smelled like he needed a shower. In addition, his lower lip was split and swollen. The only positive thing was that he seemed to be sober. I sighed heavily and stood back to let him walk in. He hovered in the middle of the room and I closed the door, switched off the TV and sat down again.

"Well?"

He dropped into the chair opposite the couch and dragged a hand through his hair.

"You don't like me very much, do you?" he said.

"I don't have much reason to like you; you've done nothing but cause me trouble," I reminded him.

"I know, I'm sorry...about everything. What I said in school, you having to help me out the other night...I wouldn't have blamed you if you just told me to go fuck myself."

"Believe me, I was sorely tempted. So what do you want now? Don't tell me you came here just to say sorry."

"I was wondering if I could...um...crash. Just for one night. I'm kind of stuck; I don't have anywhere else to go," he said awkwardly, avoiding looking at me.

"Where were you last night?" I asked.

"It doesn't matter," he grimaced.

"Humour me."

"Ugh...I hooked up with somebody and stayed at their place." He almost looked ashamed by that admission, which I found pretty hard to believe.

"What's with the busted lip?"

"Her husband works away and he came home early." He tugged his fingers through his hair again and visibly cringed.

I thought for a moment. I knew I was going to end up helping him out again. He looked and sounded pathetic and worn out and much as I knew I would probably regret it, I couldn't bring myself to tell him to leave. I got up again and walked into my bedroom, opened a drawer and pulled out shorts, socks, a tee and a pair of sweats. He was a similar size to me, just less muscular. I returned to the lounge room and found him on his feet.

"Look, I'm sorry, I'm just gonna...go," he said.

"Go where?"

He shrugged.

"Here." I held the clothes out to him. "Get a shower. When did you last eat?"

"Yesterday."

"I'll get you something."

"Are you serious? You're letting me stay?" His eyes widened in surprise.

"One night; and you're on the couch."

He nodded. "Thank you."

I made bacon and cheese sandwiches while he showered and then sat in silence while he wolfed the food down as if he hadn't eaten for a week. I got two more beers out and handed him one.

"You said you don't have anywhere else to go, so what are you going to do tomorrow?" I asked.

"I'll figure something out. I can afford to rent a place on my own."

"You won't find much available anywhere near college. Why can't you stay with your family?"

"It's just not possible."

"Why not? They probably have room, right?"

Tyler sighed and closed his eyes briefly. "I'm not in a good place right now. I don't want my mother giving me the third degree and fussing over me and I don't want my little sister to see me like this."

"You're close to your sister?"

"Yeah, I love her to bits," he said with a sudden grin. "She's eleven; really bright. I swear she has a thirty-year-old's head on her shoulders, she's more mature than me. She wants to be an artist. She's got a place in this art summer school thing."

I watched and listened in surprise as he sang his young sister's praises for several minutes, his eyes lighting up and his whole attitude changing. He clearly adored the girl and I found myself smiling as he talked.

"So you don't want her seeing you with a split lip then," I said.

"It's not that; she's used to me fighting," he said with a grimace. "I just know I'm going to be...a mess for a while. I don't want her worrying about me."

"What about your father?"

"What about him?"

"You can't stay with him?"

"I'm sure he would love that, having me under his thumb." Tyler's face darkened into a scowl and his fists clenched in his lap. "He doesn't care about me or Caroline, he just wants to be in control of everything. I'd sooner sleep in the park than under his roof."

"Why do you think he doesn't care?" I asked curiously.

"I know he doesn't. I don't want to talk about him, ok?"

"Sure, whatever."

We talked about more mundane things for a while, Tyler relating how he had returned to the bar I had found him in because he realised he left his credit card there and had been forced to grovel to get it back since they didn't want him in there causing any more trouble. He finished by bemoaning the fact that all of his belongings were in his old apartment and he hadn't been back to get anything because he knew he would end up in another fight with Aidan. He intended to go there when he thought they would be out and at least pick up a change of clothes and a few other items.

Eventually I got up and found a blanket and pillow for the sofa and left him alone. He had managed not to annoy me for the couple hours he had been here so far, but I was still keen to get rid of him and his baggage; the sooner I went to bed, the sooner it would be Saturday and he would be out of the door.

When I woke just before eight, it was to the aroma of toast and coffee. My door was ajar and the tempting smell drew me out of bed quickly. I pulled on some clothes and emerged to find Tyler making grilled cheese and dumping sugar into a coffee mug.

"What are you doing?"

"I figured it was the least I could do." He handed me the coffee. "You take sugar, right? I noticed how you made it before. I hate sweet coffee, but I didn't dare say anything then, I thought you might deck me." He grinned sheepishly and piled the grilled cheese on two plates. "God, I'm gasping for a smoke. Don't worry, I'm gonna wait until I leave."

I raised my eyebrows. I wasn't sure if he was genuinely trying to be nice or if he was attempting to worm his way into my good graces in the hopes he might get another favour out of me - like another night or two on my couch.

"Where will you go?" I asked.

"Don't worry about it, I'll sort it out." He shrugged and crammed a large bite of toast into his mouth.

"How? You said you can't stay with your family and apparently I was the only option last night. You can't just walk into a real estate agent and walk out again with a key to a place today, even if there is something available."

"Yeah, well that's for me to worry about."

_'Sucker,'_ I told myself as I washed down a bite of my breakfast with coffee and blurted out what was in my mind. "You can stay a few days until you find somewhere."

"You don't have to do that."

"I suppose I'm just a regular fucking Good Samaritan," I said, repeating his own words.

I finished my breakfast and went to take a shower. By the time I came out of the bathroom, Tyler had washed and put away the dishes and tidied away the blanket and pillow from the couch, but there was no sign of him. When I looked out of the window, I spotted him strolling up and down in front of the building smoking a cigarette. He came back in a few minutes later, smelling strongly of smoke despite having been out in the fresh air.

"You should quit," I said.

"I keep meaning to. Caroline says the same thing every time I see her."

"So, do you want some help fetching your stuff?" I offered. He couldn't very well keep on wearing my clothes and the one outfit he had.

"I was gonna leave it until later; they're probably home right now."

"Ok."

He pulled his wallet out suddenly and flicked through the bills inside, pulling out several and holding them out towards me. I could see there were fifty dollars in his hand.

"You don't have to pay me for a few days," I said.

"Take it. I owe you a lot already and I'm gonna be eating your food and stuff."

"Thanks." I pocketed the money, but I couldn't help wondering if it wasn't the start of a more permanent arrangement - one I could well do without.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

******Tyler's POV**

I wanted to put off going back to my old apartment as long as possible, but I knew I would have to go and get it over with eventually. I had no idea whether Ally and Aidan would be there. Usually he worked Saturday mornings and she went to Queens to visit her Dad, but that didn't mean they would have stuck to the same routine now they were screwing. I knew I could have called first, but I couldn't bring myself to speak to either of them, thinking it would be easier to just turn up and hope they weren't home. Besides, my cell phone battery was dead. I knew Jacob would have lent me his phone, but I just used it as another excuse to avoid what I was dreading. It was only the thought that Caroline had probably tried to call me about a dozen times by now that got me off of Jacob's couch and out the door. At least he was going with me; that I hadn't expected, especially after I'd repeatedly behaved like a jerk in front of him. Letting me stay for a few days was above and beyond the call of duty too and I vowed I would get myself together and not annoy him any more if I could avoid it.

We took the subway from his apartment to mine, although it was only two stops and I dragged my feet as we walked the couple hundred yards from the station to the building. If I could have stayed pissed I would have gotten through it easier, but my anger seemed to have deserted me and I was just miserable. I hated the thought of going in there, taking away all signs of myself, knowing everything I looked at would remind me of being with Ally.

"You ok?"

I glanced at Jacob and realised I had stopped walking and was simply staring at the outer door to the block from ten feet away.

"Yeah."

I took a deep breath, strode over to the door, pulled out my keys and let us in before charging up the stairs quickly, my heart racing and my stomach in a knot. '_Please let them not be home.'_

"What the fuck?" I stared at the door to the apartment in disbelief. "They got a fucking deadbolt."

"Tyler?" Jacob said, sounding puzzled.

"The door was never secure, as long as I can remember. Aidan and...Ally...were always telling me to get a deadbolt. Too difficult for either of them to do that apparently - until now. ___Damnit!"_I punched the wall and then rubbed my knuckles, grinding my teeth.

"Well, we're here now," Jacob said calmly. "If they're not home, call one of them."

"Fuck," I muttered. Exactly what I had wanted to avoid, but now there was no option. I punched the bell push that nobody had ever used and then fidgeted and swore, dragging my hands through my hair until it became obvious that they either weren't home or were ignoring the bell.

"The hell with it," I growled. I could do without my stuff; I'd go shopping, make use of the gold card Dad insisted I have when I turned twenty-one. I had refused to use the thing for almost a year, preferring to make my own way rather than live off of his charity, but just lately it had come out half a dozen times, mostly for alcohol, even before Ally kicked me in the teeth. He would probably have plenty to say when he got the statement. I headed for the stairs again, but Jacob grabbed my shoulder and halted me.

"Call them," he said firmly. "You're going to run into them in school soon enough anyway. You can't just leave all of your things here."

"I can," I mumbled and then I remembered that the power cable for my phone was in there, as was my journal. Whatever else I lost, I had to have that. "Do you have your phone with you?"

"Here." Jacob pulled his cell out of his pocket and passed it to me. I hesitated and then dialled Ally's number from memory. At least she wouldn't know it was me and refuse to answer.

"Hello?"

I screwed my face up and almost ended the call when I heard her voice. I was exasperated with myself. I wanted to carry on being mad, but I couldn't seem to manage it. Being mad kept reality at bay and it didn't hurt so much.

"It's Tyler."

There was silence for a moment. "What do you want?" she asked eventually.

"I want my stuff, Ally, the apartment's locked."

"You're there?"

"Yeah."

I heard muffled voices as if she had covered the phone up and was talking to someone else - Aidan.

"Can you wait ten minutes? We're on the way back," she said then.

"Fine." I couldn't think of anything else to say and I pressed the 'end call' button and gave Jacob the phone back. "They're gonna be back in ten minutes," I said and pulled out my cigarettes. They would hate me filling the lobby with smoke, but the hell with them. I lit up and leaned back against the wall with my eyes closed. They flew open again when the cigarette was snatched from between my lips.

"What the hell are you doing?" I scowled as Jacob crushed the thing out and tossed it into a corner.

"You'll set the alarm off," he said, pointing to the ceiling.

"Fuck off."

"You don't want my help then."

"Sorry," I muttered sullenly and glanced at my watch. How much time had gone by since I called her? A minute? Two? I felt sick and my chest hurt as if there was a vice around my heart. Corny, maybe, but that's how it felt. Had I really been such a lousy boyfriend that she had turned to Aidan because of it? If that was the case, why didn't she break up with me first? How could he have done that to me? We had been friends since kindergarten and he knew I loved her; he knew she was the first and only girl I had ever cared about.

I scrubbed my hands over my face and was horrified to find my eyes wet. Just what I needed; to have them get back and see me crying like a fucking baby. I swallowed the lump in my throat and coughed. Jacob glanced at me, but didn't say anything. I clenched my teeth until my jaw hurt and breathed hard through my nose. More time passed and the outer door banged before two pairs of feet began to head up the stairs.

They both looked at me warily when they appeared and then eyed Jacob with surprise. Aidan glanced back at me with his eyebrows raised while Ally unlocked the door.

"What?" I snapped.

"Nothing, I just..." He shrugged and gestured at Jacob. "You're really...?"

"What's it to you?"

Ally had the door open now and I strode inside and turned towards what had been my room, halting just outside the door as my mind predictably filled up with memories; the first time I cooked dinner for Ally here and she ended up throwing the spaghetti over me before we sprayed each other with the shower hose; the first time I slept with her; the first time we said 'I love you'; the fight when she found out our relationship had started with me playing a game; the sight of her and Aidan jumping apart when I caught them.

"Shit," I muttered under my breath.

Hands came to rest on my shoulders and to my intense surprise I found my back against Jacob's chest and his mouth close to my ear.

"Get your stuff together and we'll get out of here," he whispered. His hands ran down my arms and back up.

"What are you...?" I began and then realised that despite the complete asshole I had been to him, he was supporting me in more ways than one in front of them. "Thank you," I said under my breath.

He stepped away from me and I went into the bedroom to start packing. My suitcase was under the bed and I filled it with my clothes and books, my precious journal and some other bits and pieces; photos of Caroline and Michael. I didn't really have much. Jacob had gone into the small kitchen with Aidan and Ally and although I could hear occasional stilted bits of conversation, I only made out a few phrases, mostly Jacob's voice.

"...moving in with me.."

"...our business..."

"...don't want any more trouble..."

I owed him so much more than for just dragging me out of a fight and loaning me his couch for a few days.

I found a box and filled it with the last few items - my phone power cable, bathroom things, the lock for my bike, school books and so on. At last it was done and I tossed my keys on the bed, balanced the box in one arm and picked up the case, heading slowly for the door. Jacob appeared in an instant with my bike and opened the door for me. It was done and I was about to leave most of my life behind.

"Tyler, I'm sorry," Ally called suddenly.

I ignored her and began to walk down the stairs, Jacob following with the bike and in minutes we were on the sidewalk.

"Thanks," I said shakily.

"It's ok. Why don't you take a cab back with those things? I'll bring the bike," he suggested.

I shook my head. "I'll ride it back; I need to clear my head. If you don't mind taking these..."

"Sure." Jacob waved down a cab and we put the case and the box in the trunk.

When he was gone, I swung my leg over the bike and set off although I didn't head straight back to Jacob's place. I cycled into the park and sat down on a bench to smoke a cigarette. I lit a second from the butt and then a third and a fourth, by which time the pack was empty. Caroline would have been telling me off by now, I could hear her voice in my head.

_"Tyler, you smoke too much. I thought you were going to quit. Do you know what people's lungs look like when they smoke?"_

I smiled to myself and scrunched up the empty packet, tossing it towards a garbage can and missing by at least a foot. I needed to get home - to my temporary home - and charge up my phone so I could call Caroline; as soon as I could summon up a more positive frame of mind so she didn't guess from my voice that something was wrong. My eleven-year-old sister could be pretty perceptive when she wanted to be and I didn't want to have to answer a dozen questions just yet. Even then I couldn't exactly tell her the truth. She had really liked both Ally and Aidan. It wasn't that I didn't want her to hate them, but that I didn't want her to see how completely crushed I was.

A few small drops of rain landed on my face and I looked up at the darkening sky, realising I was probably going to be drenched in a few minutes. It suited my mood and I could let go of the pain I was feeling without anybody noticing, not that there were many people in the park anyway. I stayed on the bench as hot tears began to roll down my face, disguised and washed away by cool rain, not moving until I felt completely drained. A couple of hours had passed by then and I cycled slowly back to Jacob's apartment. It had almost stopped raining, but I was soaked to the skin and beginning to shiver.

Jacob released the outer door for me the second I buzzed and I hauled my bike into the elevator, making a large puddle on the floor as I rode up to his floor. His apartment door was open and I leaned the bike on the wall just inside and took my shoes off.

"Where've you been?" Jacob grabbed a towel from the bathroom and tossed it to me.

"In the park." I dried my hair quickly and took my shirt off.

"Are you ok?" He stared at me with a concerned look and took the soaked shirt from me.

"Yeah. Thanks."

It was only when I went into the bathroom to get a hot shower that I realised how terrible I looked. My face was almost colourless and my eyes red and swollen, despite the rain which hadn't done as good a job as I had hoped. I looked lost and hopeless, as if I'd been sitting in the park alone bawling my eyes out.

I stayed in the shower until I used up all the hot water and then wrapped a towel around myself and went to find something to wear. Much to my surprise, Jacob had unpacked my case and put my clothes away in one end of his wardrobe and two drawers of a large chest. The rest of my things were on a small table in the corner of the lounge and there was a camp bed made up behind the couch.

"I hope you don't mind, I thought I would save you the trouble," he said.

"Thanks."

His eyes were fixed on my chest I noticed and for a foolish moment I wondered if he was checking me out, despite his apparent concern for me, until I realised it was my tattoo he was looking at. Unless I had mentioned Michael when I was too drunk to know what I was saying, he must be pretty curious to know why I had a guy's name inked on me, but mercifully he didn't ask. That was something I really didn't want to talk about at the moment. Mostly I dealt with it ok now, but in my current pathetically fragile state, I would probably crack up again if asked about Michael. I hadn't talked to him in far too long and I needed to put that right soon; but first I had to talk to Caroline.

I sat on the floor to call her, my phone plugged into the power and immediately got the third degree as to where I had been, why I hadn't answered her calls, why Ally had answered my home phone and told her she didn't know where I was or when I'd be back. I said I'd been out with a friend and told her to stick to calling my cell in the future, since it was always with me and I would make sure I didn't forget to power it up.

"So, we're going to have a party next Saturday," Caroline said then.

"What for?"

"It's your birthday, silly."

I suppressed a groan with difficulty. A birthday party was the last thing I wanted. My twenty-first had been bad enough although I had gotten into the spirit of it eventually - right up until my Dad turned up and ruined it for everyone. Twenty-two was - new territory. Everybody would probably be faking happiness because they were supposed to be celebrating with me while a sombre mood hung over the whole fucking thing.

"Aww, can't we just have dinner out or something?" I begged. "How about a picnic?" Picnics were one of her favourite things to do.

"It's _your_ birthday, not mine," she reminded me. "You only go on picnics to make me happy. We're having a party. You can bring Ally. And Aidan too, if you want."

"Um...they might be busy," I gulped. "I could bring another friend, I guess." I glanced over at Jacob where he sat on the couch and he raised his eyebrows.

"You have another friend?" Caroline said in my ear. "Since when?"

"Uh...well...I've known him a while, he's in some of my classes."

"Does he have a name?"

"Jacob." I could feel my face turning red and I dragged a hand through my hair.

"Oh, ok. Sure, he can come. Four o'clock, ok? Mom's making a cake."

"Lovely."

She rattled on for a while longer while I did my best to sound like I usually sounded. When I hung up, Jacob looked at me again. "Did I just get invited to something?"

"Ugh...my birthday party," I grimaced as I hauled myself up. "I'm sorry, you can say no. She asked me to bring...them."

"It's ok, I'll go," Jacob agreed. "Do you not like parties?"

"Hate 'em," I grunted and joined him on the couch. "Especially birthday ones. Everyone pretending like they're having a great time, blowing candles out, opening gifts, you know, the usual shit. This one's gonna be worse than most."

"Why?" he asked and I immediately cursed myself for blurting too much out.

"Because...I had a brother...he died on his twenty-second birthday."

"Shit," Jacob said. "I'm so sorry. How long ago?"

"Six years. It never goes away and now it's like everyone's watching to see if I make it through the day. Stupid, huh?"

"No, it's not stupid. Can I ask how he died?"

"He killed himself." I ground my teeth together.___'Damnit. Don't fucking fall apart again now.'_

"Oh, God, Tyler," Jacob groaned. "I can't even imagine..."

"His name was Michael. In case you were wondering about the tattoo."

I dropped my head into my hands. It still felt like yesterday. It was like all of us - the whole family - were still stuck in 1995, unable to move forward. We had been a proper family then, Mom and Dad still married. Michael's death had shattered us and each of us broke away in different directions, except for Caroline who was exactly the same as she had always been. Most of the time I was ok, but with everything that had just happened to me and my twenty-second birthday fast approaching, I felt everything all over again.

I heard a strange sound like a hurt animal whining and didn't realise it was me until I felt Jacob's hand touch my back and rub slowly up and down, then slide around my shoulders and pull me against him. Sitting in the rain to disguise my tears had been completely pointless because now I sat, sobbing and gasping in his arms and making a complete dick of myself. When I eventually got it together there was a wet patch on his shirt and I wanted to crawl away and hide somewhere. I barely knew him and I virtually laid by soul bare.

"Sorry," I croaked.

"It's alright. It's better to let it out. It takes a real man to cry; that's what my Dad told me," he said with a small chuckle.

"Huh...I must be fucking He-Man or something then," I grimaced.

Strangely I did feel better. Later Jacob made us some food and we hung out and watched TV. I was longing for a cigarette, but realised I'd smoked my last few in the park. I almost went out to buy more and then decided, what the hell. I felt like shit anyway; I might as well use it as an opportunity to quit. It would make Caroline's day and Jacob hated smoking just as much as she did. I chewed gum instead, figuring that since the next week was going to be hell, fighting the craving would probably be a walk in the park by comparison.

I slept like the dead that night. The camp bed was comfortable and I felt as if I had gotten over the first of a set of huge hurdles although I wasn't kidding myself I was even close to getting over what Ally did to me. I rose early and was dressed and getting ready to go out, my book bag over my shoulder with my journal in it when Jacob got up.

"Where are you going? Don't you want breakfast or anything?"

"No, I'm going to a coffee shop downtown. I'll bring you something back if you want."

"I could go with you..."

I shook my head. "I have something I need to do. I'll be back in a couple hours."

"Ok."

I cycled downtown to the coffee shop I used to go to with Michael. Since he died I had been there at least once a month, more often when I started college, but it was about six weeks since the last time. I could never bring myself to talk to him for a while after what would have been his birthday, when the whole family gathered at his grave for a morbid 'remember Michael' afternoon, like it was his funeral all over again. I knew he would have hated it, but my Dad insisted.

I ordered a large coffee, took a corner table and pulled out the journal and a pen. I put a new refill in the journal each year and this one was already over half full of my scrawl. I chewed the end of the pen while my coffee went cold, wondering if I should just get one more pack of cigarettes and wean myself off of them gradually. Then I started to write.

___"Hello, Michael. I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in a while. Things have been tough lately. I quit smoking..."_

There. Now I told him I couldn't change my mind.

___"Probably the worst time in the world to do it, but hey. I came home from class a few days ago and found..." _I paused, the pen hovering over the paper while I squeezed my eyes shut and reminded myself it was already real. Telling my brother didn't change a thing.

___"...Ally and Aidan in bed together. They've been getting it on behind my back for a few weeks. I guess I can't really blame her; she said it herself; I'm too fucked up to notice she's even around. I lost it and hit her. I'm not proud of myself, but anyway, it's over. I moved out and I'm staying with a Good Samaritan for the moment. Jacob Black. He's a nice guy; why he wants me around, I have no clue, he's only seen me behave like a complete jerk."_

I rambled on, filling four pages of the journal and sipping my revolting cold coffee without even noticing. The only thing I didn't mention was my upcoming birthday. Somehow it seemed like I would have been thumbing my nose at him.

I bought half a dozen bagels stuffed with assorted fillings before I left and set off for home feeling like a tiny amount of the weight on my shoulders had lifted.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

******Jacob's POV**

I took a shower and made myself some strong coffee, reading over a paper I'd had to write for class while I waited for Tyler to come back. I hadn't slept well and my eyes were sore and gritty from the lack of rest. It had been my room mate who inadvertently kept me awake. I had removed the word 'temporary' from that description and had already decided to give him the spare set of keys that had been Paul's when he came back from whatever he was doing downtown. The last thing he needed right now was to be trying to find somewhere to live and dealing with everything that came with living on your own. Much as I had previously thought letting him into my life and my home was a mistake, at least now I could understand his behaviour better. He wasn't just an asshole who didn't care about anything, but someone who had been through things I couldn't even imagine - and some that I could with a little effort. With Ally and Aidan gone out of his life, he was pretty much alone and as his only remaining support, I wasn't going to turn my back on him, much as it might continue to bring me grief.

I had been shocked to learn about what Tyler had been through and it had been that which interfered with my sleep. He wouldn't have quite reached his sixteenth birthday when his brother took his own life and with his parents dealing with their own pain, taking care of his little sister and subsequently ending their marriage, I doubted he had much support. He didn't seem to have gotten over it and I doubted I would have either in the same situation.

I found it touching that he had Michael's name tattooed over his heart. When I first saw it I had wondered about it and immediately jumped to the conclusion Michael was someone he had lost, but I couldn't have guessed at the tragic circumstances. I wondered how he had died, who had found him, what had prompted him to do such a thing, but I couldn't exactly ask Tyler that. He was upset enough already and I didn't want to rub salt into the wound.

I grabbed my laptop and switched it on, impatiently waiting for the machine to warm up. I was pretty lucky to have it - most kids only had desktops, but my Dad had surprised me on my eighteenth birthday by buying me one that he said was for college. He got the best he could afford and it had been a Godsend for three years.

I felt strangely guilty as I typed _'Michael Hawkins, New York' _into Google. I felt as if I was committing some kind of crime, prying into Tyler's personal life, but I wanted to understand better and I guessed that if I found anything, it was public knowledge anyway.

Several listings came up and I opened the first, glancing at the door and hoping he wouldn't come back and catch me. Then I remembered he didn't have keys yet and I relaxed and began to read.

___'Businessman's eldest son commits suicide.'_

"Nice," I muttered. The press wouldn't have helped the grieving family one bit.

___'Finance Director, Charles Hawkins' eldest son Michael was found hanged early yesterday...'_

"Fuck!"

He hanged himself? I read on, discovering that Michael had been a musician - not a successful one - and had only begun working for his father in the North Tower of the World Trade Centre a month before his twenty-second birthday. The article noted that Michael left a younger brother Tyler and sister Caroline. I went on to read the other listings which said much the same, except for one which noted Charles and Diane Hawkins' divorce eighteen months after Michael's death, Diane's remarriage two years after that and a small listing about a blues band Michael had played guitar with.

The buzzer sounded and I closed down the computer quickly and went to let Tyler back in, leaving the apartment door open for him. He wheeled his bike in a couple minutes later, closed the door and dropped a paper sack onto the coffee table in front of me.

"I brought some breakfast."

"Awesome, thanks." I opened the bag and noted a selection of bagels with different fillings. I pulled out one stuffed with cream cheese and smoked salmon. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah." He dropped onto the other end of the couch and took one of the bagels for himself. "Thanks for yesterday."

"It's ok."

"Don't you work Saturdays?" he asked.

"Usually in the mornings; I took the day off."

"You didn't have to do that, just to help sort out my shit," Tyler groaned.

"Yeah, well I figured you needed the help more than they did. They're never busy Saturdays anyway." I jumped up and fetched Paul's keys from my bed table, then returned and held them out towards Tyler. "Here, take them."

He looked at me in surprise. "Your keys; why? I'm gonna be gone in a few days. I'm going to look for a place tomorrow."

"You don't have to do that."

"But you don't want me here."

"I admit that I wasn't keen after the first night you were here," I said with a smile. "But I figured you're not going to find a place easily and the extra rent money would be useful. Maybe I want to spend more of my time studying than working when I start my final year."

"Thanks, I really appreciate this." Tyler took the keys and slid them into his pocket. "Just figure out how much you want me to contribute; half of the bills or whatever you want."

"Well, I pay a thousand a month including everything except food," I said.

"Is that___all?"_Tyler looked surprised. "You've seen the shithole I lived in and that was way more."

"Yes, but one of my tutors owns this place," I said smugly. "You know Mrs Brandon?"

"Lucky fucker. So, I'll pay five hundred a month then and share buying the groceries?"

"Sure. Thanks."

After breakfast, I spent most of the day studying - and thinking about all the things I would be able to do that I had put off for the past few months because I couldn't afford it. Maybe letting Tyler stay was going to turn out well after all.

Much to my surprise, he studied too. I was working on my laptop sitting on my bed and each time I glanced through the open door into the lounge, he was either sitting or sprawling on the couch with a text book in his hand, occasionally scribbling on a notepad. He fidgeted and chewed gum constantly and I realised he must be trying to quit smoking. He hadn't gone outside once since he went downtown and he didn't smell of smoke. He did raid my refrigerator however and by the end of the afternoon the coffee table was littered with empty beer bottles.

"Sorry, I'll buy some more," he said sheepishly when I emerged to get some dinner.

He went out later and returned with a supply of beer, some snacks and five hundred dollars for his first month's rent. The next morning he was ready to go to college before I was and had even done all of the work we were supposed to hand to our tutors that day. I was pleasantly surprised and hoped it would last.

Tyler spent most of his time with me between classes and avoided Ally and Aidan where possible. Ally was present in some classes, but the pair ignored each other and he took the seats next to me wherever there was a spare, rather than sitting in his usual place. When classes were over, I went to the garage and he went to the bookshop and we reconvened at the apartment later. By the time Thursday was over I began to relax. He was quiet and often morose, reporting more than once that he was dreading the party, but he didn't get drunk, cause trouble at college or fail to submit his work. I saw surprise on a couple of tutor's faces when he handed over papers he had written and I noticed they were returned to him with at the very least an 'A' minus grade.

It was Friday when trouble brewed again. I had only one class in the morning and I spent an hour in the library afterwards followed by three hours working in the garage. I hadn't seen Tyler since the class, but he said he would be working in the bookshop for a while and would see me at home later. I made it home just before three-thirty and found him sitting on the couch with my laptop in front of him. I had been a little surprised to find he didn't have a computer, but I supposed up until now, study aids had been the last thing he would want to spend his money on.

"Hey," I said, pushing the door closed with my foot. Tyler catapulted up off of the couch, the laptop balanced precariously in one hand, turning it so I could just about see the screen.

_"What the fuck is this?!"_ he yelled.

I groaned. The article about his brother's suicide was open and I guessed he had either stumbled upon or pried into my search history.

"Tyler..."

___"What the fuck!"_he bellowed, eyes blazing. _"Why didn't you just ask me?!"_

To my horror, the computer sailed out of his hand and smashed into the wall. The screen shattered and went black, the case cracked and the ruined piece of equipment fell to the floor. I flinched and briefly thanked God that all of my college work was backed up on disks.

"Why didn't I ask? Because you were so upset when you told me the little you did, I didn't want to add to it. I wasn't prying, Tyler, I just wanted to know more, so I would have a better idea how to help..."

___"Fuck!"_Tyler snarled.

"If I'd been in New York at the time, I would have read about it in the paper..."

"I don't need this shit right now!" He paced about, clenching his fists. "You know what tomorrow is!"

"Well, do you think I need this?" I snapped back. Perhaps I shouldn't have been looking him up on the Internet and I knew he was only enraged because he was hurt, but what the hell. "You didn't have to borrow the laptop without asking me, or check out what I'd been doing on it. Look at that!" I pointed at the remains on the floor. "My Dad bought me that! Three years of fucking work is on there!"

Tyler's eyes widened and for a moment he looked regretful, but then he simply grabbed his jacket and bookbag, threw the door open and began to run down the stairs, not bothering with the elevator. I kicked the door closed behind him, my temper rising almost to equal his. I hadn't been able to resist the comment about my work. Damnit, I _wanted_ him to feel guilty. I took him into my home and helped him out when nobody else would have and yes, he was hurting, but it didn't give him the excuse to behave like that. I picked up my own jacket and keys and went out, deciding to go over to Jasper's place for a while to catch up.

I spent a couple hours hanging out with my friend, doing my best to avoid the subject of Tyler where I could, despite Jasper's attempts to give me the third degree. I admitted I was helping him out by letting him stay at my place temporarily and then changed the subject. I was beginning to hope that I would return home later to find Tyler's belongings gone and his keys on the table, but I didn't see how it would be possible when he had nowhere else to go.

He wasn't there when I arrived home and I gathered up the broken laptop and trashed it, then went to take a shower. I was just switching on the TV when Tyler came in, the door clicking closed quietly behind him. I didn't look at him or speak, but I could see from the corner of my eye that he was hovering just inside the door. After a minute or so he walked over to the couch and sat down next to me, placing a canvas laptop bag on the table in front of me.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

I glanced at him and noticed he looked anxious and shame-faced.

"I'll be out of your hair tomorrow," he went on. "I'm gonna ask my mother to let me stay for a while until I can find an apartment."

"I didn't read about your brother to hurt you," I said.

"I know. I just didn't expect to see that article then...it was like a kick in the guts. I just wish you had asked me."

"So can I ask now?"

He nodded.

"Do you know why he did it?" I continued.

"I can guess. It's not like he left a note. He always loved his music. He got a guitar for his fourteenth birthday and took lessons. He played it every spare minute he had and was in a highschool band. He wanted to make his career out of it and he let his schoolwork slide. Dad was always on his back about it. He flunked his finals and never made it to college, but he didn't care. He was in this blues band by then and said he was going to tour the country and be famous so he didn't need a degree or a job." He paused and sighed heavily, dragging a hand through his hair.

"The band didn't do well. I mean, they played bars and clubs all the time, but they couldn't get a record deal and they never made any money. Half of the time they all lived in some shitty apartment together and other times Michael would be back home because their landlord kicked them out for not paying the rent. Dad refused to bail him out with money because he said he had a perfectly good home he was turning his back on and if he wanted the support of his family he could stay home and go to work with him.

"Michael resisted it for as long as he could. He hated the idea of working on Wall Street, nine to five, wearing a suit and tie, clients, figures, all that shit. He only gave in because the band broke up. One of the guys said they couldn't hack it any more and went back to his parents. The other two decided to perform as a duo, just a singer and a keyboard, and Michael came back home and let Dad bully him into taking the job. He told me it would only be temporary; that he'd make enough money to support himself and start again with his music, but he couldn't stand it. He hated the fucking place and I never saw him look so miserable as he did during that month." He stopped talking and went to get a beer. "Do you want one?"

"No." I shook my head and he sat back down, draining half of the bottle in a few long gulps.

"The day before Michael's twenty-second birthday he said he didn't know how he was going to bear it any longer. He made more money in four weeks than he made in a year playing music and he would have gladly traded it in to be a starving musician, but he had promised Dad he would give it a year. He looked like shit, like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

"Me and Caroline and my parents had got a whole heap of presents for his birthday and there was a party planned, the same as always. I hated parties even then. It was me who found him."

I sucked my breath in hard and held it. I hadn't expected to hear that, just dropped into the rest of the story about Michael and I was horrified to think of a boy, barely sixteen, finding his brother hanging.

"You know how he died. He was in his room. He used a belt tied to this pull-up bar he had in there. I went in to wake him up and be the first to say 'happy birthday'. You know, it's not pretty, like what you see on TV. They hang people in those old western movies and they just...die. His face was all swollen up, his tongue out of his mouth and his eyes bugging out and he had pissed himself. I can't really remember what happened after that, only that I was screaming."

"God, Tyler," I groaned.

"None of us have really moved on from it," he went on. "My parents started fighting, Dad moved out within a few weeks, Mom clung to Caroline like she was a lifeline and I...drifted, I guess. We all meet up on the anniversary of Michael's death - or his birthday, same thing - and have this morbid _thing_ at his grave and then go for coffee. Did I tell you that already? I can't remember. Michael would have hated it. Up until that last month he loved life, whatever it threw at him. And here are the rest of us still pretending like it's 1995 and he only just left. I talk to him, you know, every couple weeks. The diner I went to downtown is a place we used to hang out so I go there and write to him in my journal. He probably thinks I'm a dick." He grimaced and shrugged.

"Do you talk to him about how you feel over what happened?" I asked slowly.

"No." He shook his head vigorously.

"Do you blame him?"

I wasn't at all surprised when he threw his head up and glared at me. I knew I was pushing it, but I had an idea I was right.

"What the hell kind of question is that? Of course I don't blame him! He was fucking miserable!"

"Tyler, if you do, it's normal. He left you, right?"

"What the fuck do you know about it?" he snapped.

"Ok, just listen to me. This doesn't even compare to what you went through and I'll keep it brief..." I didn't really want to dredge up what I was about to tell him at all, but if he could use it in some way to straighten his head out even a little bit, it might be worth it.

"My Mom died when I was nine, in a car accident," I said. "My Dad said he'd never love anyone else and for about three years, that was true. Then he met this...Stella. She seemed very nice, sweet, loving and she made him happy. But he had been right when he said he'd never love anyone else. He tried and he thought they would work, but it was obvious to a blind person his heart wasn't in it. She could see it too and to cut a long story short, she swallowed a lot of pills."

"Shit," Tyler muttered. "I'm sorry, Jake."

"It was a long time ago and very different from what happened to you," I said. I had never been very close to Stella myself, but I hurt because Dad hurt. "He blamed himself for a few weeks, but then after a while he blamed her. He felt he had done the best he could for her and she ended it by hurting him and me. He went through maybe a year of resenting her and wishing he never met her. He talked to a psychiatrist for a while after that and moved on."

"You saying I need a shrink?" Tyler said stiffly.

"No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying my Dad was told it was normal that he felt blame and guilt, so if you do, you shouldn't feel bad about it."

He was silent for a long moment as he finished his beer and I didn't look at him.

"I guess I am mad at him," he said at last. "We all loved him and he left us. He could have quit the job. I know my Dad's a bully, but still. I feel like he can't have loved me and Caroline and Mom that much if he would just...do that. And then I hate myself and think he's probably looking at me from wherever he is and thinking I don't care so I pretend like I don't feel that way at all."

"You know, you might feel better if you actually tell him that," I ventured. "Write in your journal what you said to me and try to find a way to forgive him. People in that situation, so desperate that they don't want to live any more, in that instant forget about everything else - the people who love them and would be hurt by them going."

"Yeah...well, maybe I will." He sighed heavily. "You know, you should be a shrink yourself or something."

"I won't pretend it hasn't crossed my mind," I admitted. "But I guess I'd be like Michael there - I wouldn't like being stuck in an office in a suit."

Tyler smiled slightly. "So...are you gonna look at that?" He pointed to the laptop bag on the table. "I'm really sorry. All your work..."

"It's backed up on disks," I said. "They're in a box under the bed."

Tyler let out a sigh of relief and I opened up the canvas bag and drew out the laptop inside. It was a brand new top of the range model; I'd seen it advertised recently and knew exactly how much they cost.

"Shit, Tyler," I gasped. "You didn't have to..."

"Yeah, well I fucked up enough times with you already. I asked the guy in the store for the best thing they had. I figured I owe you way more than just a computer. Like I said, I'm gonna let my Mom know I'll be staying after the party tomorrow."

"You said you didn't want to live there, with your Mom fussing around you; Caroline worrying about you if you're down," I reminded him.

"I burned my bridges though, didn't I?"

"Not yet." I gave him a small smile. "Just don't smash up any more of my stuff, ok?"

"I won't." He went to fetch another beer and this time brought one back for me without asking if I wanted it. "Thank you," he said. "Again."


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

**Tyler's POV**

Jacob Black had to be a saint. I thought that as I lay in my fold-out bed that night, going over the events of the past week or so in my head. I wouldn't have put up with me if I'd been him. Maybe at a push I could understand him hauling me out of the gay bar that night - I'd been about to punch some friend of his and he was too nice a guy just to dump me in the gutter and leave me there. But the rest? He had helped me get my stuff from my old place and given me his keys, while in return I drank, fought, embarrassed him in front of half of our class and smashed his computer. I wasn't under any illusion that replacing it with a better one went even a fraction of the way to redeeming myself and I swore fervently that I wasn't going to fuck up again. If he kicked me out, I would be forced to crawl back to one of my parents and I hated the idea.

I was a mess - Michael, my Dad, Ally and Aidan all contributed to my fucked up head, but dragging all of my shit into Jacob's life was too much. I was going to get it together and stop blaming everybody else for everything; except maybe my Dad. I didn't force him to abandon us, but he still had - except when I needed bailing out of jail. If I could only get through my stupid birthday party, I could try to move forward. Maybe take Jacob's advice and tell Michael how I really felt about everything.

Eventually I fell asleep and when I opened my eyes again, it was daylight and I could smell coffee. I turned over and watched Jacob pouring out two large mugfuls and making toast. He glanced over his shoulder and sipped from one of the mugs.

"You can get up and fetch this, I'm not gonna wait on you." He grinned to indicate he wasn't being unkind.

"Yeah, I will in a minute. Thanks." I went through the pretence of yawning and stretching while I willed the hard-on I had woken with to subside. Mercifully it did so quickly and I got up and pulled on a pair of pants. "Are you still coming to the party? You don't have to," I said.

"I said I would. I'm working, but I'll be done at two. We have to be there by four, right?"

I nodded and wondered how I was going to occupy myself for more than eight hours until then. I shouldn't have been so worried about a stupid party, but it was the significance of it that was getting to me. On this day in Michael's life, it was already over for him. I squeezed my eyes shut. _'Get a hold of yourself, Tyler.'_

"You alright?" Jacob asked.

I nodded.

"So what's this?" He reached out and swiped a finger over my cheek, catching a tear I hadn't even realised was there.

"Fuck," I muttered, embarrassed. Yet again I felt like a fool in front of him.

"It's alright; I get it." To my intense surprise he stepped closer and gave me a one-armed hug. For a brief moment I rested against him and then he was gone, charging around the apartment with a slice of toast in one hand, grabbing up wallet, keys, phone and shoving his feet into his boots. "I gotta go. I'll be back around two-thirty."

After he was gone, I poured myself a second coffee and spent the morning idly flicking through the television channels. Caroline called me to say happy birthday and asked if I was sure Ally couldn't make the party. I knew I was going to have to tell her we broke up, but I didn't want to do it on the phone so I made another excuse - she was busy.

"Too busy for your birthday?" Caroline said in surprise.

"Yeah, well, she's not big on birthdays."

"She came to my party," she reminded me.

"Obviously she's keener on you than she is on me."

"Tyler, you're so silly. So, your other friend is coming, then? Jacob?"

"Yes."

I chatted to her a few more minutes and when I hung up, I went back to the television. I skipped lunch and drank more coffee, then got in the shower, making it quick although I was tempted to stand there until I used up all the hot water, which Jacob wouldn't thank me for when he returned from the garage.

Wearing only boxers, I dug Jacob's iron out of the kitchen cupboard where it resided and did something I hadn't even done when we had the last get together for Michael - I ironed my only smart white shirt and pressed my suit. By the time Jacob returned, I considered I looked better than I had in a year. I had even shaved and I guessed it would please my mother and Caroline. I couldn't do much with my hair, which still stuck out stubbornly at odd angles, but damned if I was going to cover it in gel and shit.

Jacob came in at two-forty, kicked his boots off and dumped the contents of his pockets on the coffee table. I was leaning against the kitchen counter rather than sit down and get myself creased again after my efforts and his eyes landed on me a second later, eyebrows rising.

"Wow."

"Huh," I grunted awkwardly. "What was that for?"

"You look good."

I snorted. "I bet you say that to all the boys."

His eyebrows rose further and I shrugged.

"I'll...um...take a shower. You didn't use all the hot water, did you?"

"No."

I stayed where I was and waited while he got ready and eventually emerged in a grey suit and blue shirt, his hair spiked up and still damp. He looked like a model and I found myself wondering why he was single. His ex hurt him, but still - he had said it was months ago. I remembered my stupid comment about half the gay guys in school wanting him after I said he was a good fuck and thought it more than likely that they were chasing him anyway. If he did decide to date again, he was now stuck with me cramping his style.

"What?" he said now, looking down at himself. "Is my shirt done up wrong or something?"

"No." I dropped my eyes to the floor.

We left early. Jacob's place was closer to my mother's house than my old apartment, but we walked and arrived a while before four. Caroline flung the door open before we even climbed the steps as if she'd been watching out of the window for our arrival.

"Happy birthday, Tyler!"

"Thanks." I returned her hug, grimacing over her head at Jacob. When she backed off I introduced him to her and then left him to follow as she drew me into the house.

"Why did you never bring him around before?" she asked in a loud whisper. "He's much cuter than Aidan!"

I heard an amused snort from behind me and grinned back at Jacob. Maybe the afternoon wasn't going to be quite as bad as I expected.

I introduced my mother and Les to Jacob and then out came the gifts - the usual semi-useful things that parents give young guys when they don't have a clue what they want. My favourite thing was a picture Caroline had sketched for me - one of myself sitting in the park smoking a cigarette.

"I'm going to have to do another one now without the cigarette," she said. "I can't believe you actually quit."

"I'll put this picture in my apartment to remind me not to start again," I smiled.

What followed was typical party food and a cake with twenty-two candles that I had to blow out. Caroline put some music on and begged me to dance, but I refused and asked Jacob to step in. Apparently he did a good job as I could hear her asking if he took lessons and telling him that he 'made Aidan look as if he had two left feet'. I drifted into the kitchen and helped myself to a beer while my mother attempted to give me the third degree.

"So, Ally couldn't be with you on your birthday?" she asked.

"We split," I said shortly.

"Oh, Tyler..."

"Don't start, Mom. It didn't work out, it's done. I'm fine."

"What did you do?"

"Oh, it's my fault, right? Just like always."

"Usually your interludes with girls end because of something you've done," she pointed out.

"Yeah, well not this time. She found somebody else."

Now her eyes narrowed. "Who? Is it Aidan?"

"Why would you think that?"

"Because neither of them are here and Aidan always comes over on your birthday. And this Jacob - I've never even heard you mention him before. Will you please tell me what happened?"

"It's not important. It's over, that's all there is to it. Jacob is in some of my classes, I've kind of known him a bit since I started college, we just didn't really hang out before."

"Well, he seems very nice."

"Yeah, he is. I moved into his place for the moment."

"Oh!"

I was saved at that moment from further questions by my phone ringing and I excused myself and went back into the lounge to answer it. Jacob and Caroline were waltzing around the room, him stooping to lessen the vast difference in their heights. Les had removed himself for the moment.

"Dad," I said as I put the phone to my ear.

"Tyler. It's twenty-two today, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Happy birthday."

"Thanks."

"I had some money transferred for you; it should be in your account Monday."

I screwed my face up. _'I don't want any more of your fucking money!'_

"Yeah, thanks," I said grudgingly.

"I suppose you're at your mother's?"

"Yeah."

"And Alison?"

"It's Alyssa, Dad and no, she's not here, we split."

Jacob glanced at me and I rolled my eyes and flipped the bird in the direction of the phone after making sure Caroline's face was averted.

"Sorry to hear that."

"Right."

"Well, I have a meeting..."

"On a Saturday?"

"Responsibilities, Tyler..."

"Meaning I don't have any."

There was a momentary silence and then he finished with, "I'll talk to you soon." Then the line went dead.

"Sure you will," I muttered.

"Was that Dad?" Caroline broke away from Jacob and came to sit next to me. "Did he call to say happy birthday?"

"Yes."

"Isn't he coming over?"

"No, he's got a meeting."

"Well, at least he called. He didn't call when it was my birthday, he just sent a gift card." She sighed heavily. "He never has any time for us."

"He works hard," I said. I'd had this conversation with her several times. She would never understand why our father begrudged us his time and I constantly made excuses for him to try and prevent her being hurt by it. I expected her to comment on the fact that he apparently didn't love us, but she changed the subject.

"I heard you say that you split with Ally; is that true?"

"Yeah, it's true."

"What happened? I liked her. She talked to me like a grown up instead of a little kid."

"I guess we just decided we wanted different things."

_'I wanted a life with her and she wanted Aidan's dick!'_

"Are you upset?"

"I'm ok, don't worry about me. It's coming up to my final year, I need to think more about studying than girls."

"Did Ally move back with her Dad?" Caroline pressed.

"No, she's staying in the apartment."

"With you and Aidan?"

"No, just Aidan. I moved out; I'm Jacob's room mate now."

Caroline frowned and I could almost see her brain ticking over. Damnit; I wished I had kept my mouth shut now, but there was no avoiding it.

"They're together, aren't they? I thought she was nice! That just shows how wrong you can be about some people." She leaned forward and looked past me at Jacob. "I hope you're not going to steal his next girlfriend."

"Definitely not. You can trust me, I promise," Jacob said seriously. I bit my lip to suppress a grin.

"Can I come visit some time?" Caroline asked. "You never let me see your old place."

"My old place was a shi...it wasn't very nice, I told you that. I guess you can visit if Mom says it's ok."

Jacob nodded in agreement. Caroline jumped to her feet again, the questions over. However, the entertainment was not. "You're not going home without one dance, Tyler," she said firmly, hands on hips.

"One." I got up and accompanied her to some terrible Sixties rock and roll tune while Jacob watched and smirked and obliged Caroline by picking up the camera she left nearby and taking snaps of us. We made our escape not long after carrying a large paper sack with my gifts in and a plastic box containing a large portion of the leftover cake. We took the subway back and as I sank onto a seat with relief and closed my eyes, I realised it hadn't been as bad as I expected. I had no doubts my mother had struggled with the day, but Caroline's positivety and good humour had gotten everybody through.

"You ok?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah." I opened my eyes again. "Thanks for going. I think you made a fan there."

"Your sister's awesome," he said at once.

"I know. I wish Michael could have seen how she turned out." And just like that my reasonable mood vanished and I remembered that six years ago when it was his twenty-second, Dad had been talking to the coroner, some lawyer friend of his and a few other people, Michael's body had been taken away, Mom was comforting Caroline and using the little girl to comfort herself and I was...alone in my room, replaying the last time I saw him over and over in my head.

"Hey, it's our stop, come on." Jacob had hold of my arm and was pulling me up and out of the train.

I barely noticed where we were and followed him numbly up to street level. A few minutes later we were back in the apartment and I put the bag of gifts down and began to strip off my suit and shirt in the middle of the lounge, tossing them onto my bed. I needed a cigarette and some liquor, but I knew I was going to have to make do with beer. I dragged on a pair of cut-offs, not bothering with a shirt, and raided the refrigerator. Jacob had gone into his room to change, but when he emerged he simply sat next to me on the couch and took a bottle of beer, drinking with me in silence.

I didn't notice the time slipping by. I ate some more of the cake and washed it down with beer until eventually I was taking the last bottle out of the fridge. Jacob had made one attempt to stop me drinking a while ago, but it had only been half-hearted and I guessed he realised I needed to blot everything out until tomorrow and then start again. He was too nice to me, I thought blearily. He seemed to know what I needed, whether it was talking, or silence, or a hug or his beer supply. He was nice to my sister, polite to my mother...I should be nicer to him. I shouldn't have gotten so drunk. I drained the last bottle and leaned forward to put it on the coffee table. It missed and fell to the floor, rolling out of sight beneath the table.

"Oops." I leaned back and shuffled closer to Jacob, resting my head against his shoulder.

"You know, you never said happy birthday," I remembered.

"I figured you wouldn't want me to."

"Why are you so nice to me?"

"I'm a nice person," Jacob said with a half smile.

"Yeah, but I'm an asshole and you're letting me live in your apartment. You must be a saint. Or maybe you just like assholes. Do you like me, Jacob?" I slurred. I leaned closer and turned my face into his neck. He smelled like the forest or something and I breathed deep and sighed. Suddenly I really wanted him to like me; not many people did. Jacob firmly pushed me away until I was upright again and folded his arms.

"I guess I can identify with you," he said. "In the beginning I just wanted to get you away from Tony..."

"Who?" I didn't know anyone called Tony.

"The blond guy in the bar that you were about to punch."

"Oh, yeah. And then?"

"I told you about Paul. I know what it feels like to be betrayed."

"So you feel sorry for me then." I stuck my bottom lip out. The sympathy vote; just great. It was easy to get that one.

"I did, yes; I don't like to see people hurting. Why all the questions, Tyler? I doubt you'll even remember this conversation in the morning; you're drunk."

"I don't know." I frowned and tried to remember the point. "I can't remember; I want to talk. Have you always been a..." I almost said 'fag'; he would hate that. "Have you always been gay?"

"Yes."

"Aren't you even a little bit curious about pussy?"

"Hell, no!" Jake snorted and grimaced and pushed me away. Somehow I had slumped down and leaned on him again without realising it. "You either need to sober up or go to bed and sleep it off. You want me to make you some coffee?"

"No, I want to put you to bed. I mean I want you to put me to bed," I mumbled.

"Jesus." He got up and then I was being hauled to my feet. In a second I was lying on my bed and Jacob was walking up and down doing something, turning the light off, putting something next to the bed. "There's a bucket here; if you're gonna puke, do not do it on my floor."

"Don't leave me," I muttered. "Stay..."

"Go to sleep. I'm in the next room."

I raised one arm and groped about blindly until my hand caught hold of something; his wrist. "Stay _here,"_ I insisted. "I'm lonely. My Dad hates me."

"Tyler, I'm sure he doesn't hate you. Why don't we just talk about this another time when you're sober, huh?"

"I am sober. You smell nice. Come closer."

"And you smell like a wino. I shouldn't have let you drink so much."

He pried my hand off and my arm flopped down and hung off the side of the bed. I heard his footsteps heading away from me and I sighed heavily. I closed my eyes and the room began to spin around me. For a few minutes I found myself trying to remember which side of the bed the bucket was, but somehow I fell asleep without making use of it. When I woke again it was daylight and someone was inside my head with a hammer trying to smash my brain to pieces.

_'Fuck.'_ I pressed my face into the pillow and folded my arms over the top of my head._ 'I'm dying.'_

The thought lasted maybe a minute and then I realised my bladder was about to burst. By the time I had emptied it, washed my face and cleaned my teeth I still felt like hell, but recovered enough to remember that I made an enormous fool of myself with Jacob once again. He was probably regretting giving me his keys and extending his offer of a bed for more than a few days. I had been so full of good intentions the day before, thanking my lucky stars he had seen fit to help me and determined to make him think it had been worth his while. Still, he had to know the day had been tough for me.

I made some coffee, remembering to add sugar to his and headed to his room. The door was ajar a few inches and I tapped it with my foot and then pushed it open. He was still in bed, scrubbing his hands over his face.

"Tyler, what are you doing?"

"Apologising. Again." I grimaced and put his mug on the bed table, then hovered.

"You don't have to. I would have been surprised if you didn't find yesterday difficult." He pulled himself up and leaned on the pillows, reaching out for the coffee.

"Did I make a complete fool of myself last night?"

"No, you didn't do anything, you just wanted to talk a lot."

"Can I sit down?"

"Sure."

I lowered myself onto the edge of the bed near his feet and nursed my coffee mug. "I'm not gonna cause you any more trouble," I said. "I was nothing to you and you helped me out a hell of a lot more than even my own family have. I don't want to make you regret it, if you don't already."

"That's good to know," he nodded.

"I was thinking I'd go downtown to that diner for brunch and talk to Michael about some things. Do you want to go?"

Jacob's brow wrinkled. "Are you sure you want me there?"

I nodded and my head throbbed. "Ouch." I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples.

"There's some Tylenol in the cupboard in the bathroom," Jacob said.

"Yeah, thanks." I left him alone and went to find the painkillers. Now if I could just find the right words to say to my brother, maybe things actually would start to get better.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you to everybody who is reading this one and thanks also for the great reviews! :o)**

CHAPTER SIX

**Jacob's POV**

Tyler and I took the subway downtown to the diner he talked about. We could see the towers of the World Trade Centre from the rear windows of the building and he took a seat with his back to them. I sat opposite and sipped coffee while Tyler's went cold as he doodled in the margin of an empty page of his journal. The waitress returned to take our order and when I asked Tyler what he wanted he just shrugged.

"Anything."

I ordered bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs, beans, hash browns and toast and a side order of pancakes for us both. I was starving and if Tyler showed little interest in the food, I guessed I could pack most of it away. I didn't look at him, but gazed about me, noticing the other people eating their brunches, chatting, others walking past the windows outside going about their business. The financial district was curiously busy for a Sunday, not that I ever really had cause to come down this way myself. Some people gave themselves away as tourists with their maps and cameras and gift bags and I idly thought that I had never gone anywhere as a tourist. My parents had taken me and my sisters on trips a few times, but usually only on hiking expeditions including a few nights under canvas. Much as I wanted to see other places, I couldn't imagine myself wandering around taking photographs of everything and buying postcards and mementos.

"Here you go, Sir."

A large plate of food arrived in front of me, the other placed beside Tyler as he didn't look up or remove his journal from the table. The dish of pancakes was put between us. I dug in and Tyler absently stuck a fork into some bacon and shovelled it into his mouth, then began to write. He scribbled feverishly and filled several pages while I emptied my plate and ate half of the pancakes. Eventually he closed the book and ate the remains of the cooling food. He hadn't spoken once since I placed the order and now he looked up at me.

"Are you ok?" I asked.

"Uh huh. There's some stuff I couldn't say yet, but I will one day."

He seemed a little different after that. The following week was our last before school ended for the summer holidays and he attended all his classes, turned in papers on time, worked in the book store and didn't drink except for the occasional beer with dinner. He didn't cause any trouble at all and began talking to me much more when we were both home. He was actually pretty good company when he wasn't wallowing in misery and I discovered that I really liked him. I wasn't under any illusion he had recovered from everything in the blink of an eye, but at least he was making efforts to move forward.

Both of us spent more hours working at our respective jobs when school ended and the first week of the holidays we barely saw each other. Saturday I ran into Jasper on my way back to the apartment and asked him to come over that evening. I'd been intending to catch up with him and Alice for a while, but time had gotten away from me. Jasper told me Alice had gone home to Maine to visit her family for a week, but he would bring another friend of his who I knew a little. Emmett was from DC and on some kind of sports scholarship. We had hung out once at Jasper's apartment and I got along well enough with him.

Tyler wasn't home when I got back and I called him when he hadn't shown up by four, deciding to warn him my friends were coming over, although if I was honest it was more to satisfy myself that he wouldn't roll in drunk and embarrass me in front of them, not that he had shown any inclination to over-indulge lately. He was still at the book store, however, and said he intended to be back shortly after it closed. I ordered in pizzas for eight o'clock and by the time Tyler returned at six-thirty, Jasper and Emmett were already starting on my beer supply.

I introduced the three of them, since they knew each other only by sight. Jasper was still sceptical about Tyler's sudden appearance in my life after his break-up with Ally and very public announcement that he had moved on to me, and had been curious about the camp bed in my lounge.

"You're not sleeping with him, then," he had said as if he expected that to be the case.

"He snores." I smirked non-commitally and managed to avoid the subject after that.

The four of us ate pizza, drank beer and watched a DVD of 'American Pie' which Jasper had brought with him. Tyler seemed to get along with them ok, but I knew he wasn't the most sociable of people and by the time the movie ended and Emmett began dragging my own DVD collection out to choose something else, it was obvious my room mate had had enough of their company. He was sitting on the floor by my feet, fiddling with an empty beer bottle and I leaned down and whispered in his ear.

"You can make use of my room if you want."

"Thanks."

"What's with him?" Jasper asked when Tyler closed the door behind him.

"He's got stuff on his mind. So, what are we watching next?" I looked at the half dozen DVD cases in Emmett's hand.

"Is this all you've got? Where's the porn?" he grinned.

"In my room. Not your thing, trust me," I said.

Jasper dissolved into fits of laughter and Emmett grunted and reddened, shuffling through the choices and picking out 'Alien Resurrection'. By the time we had watched it and the guys had called a cab, it was past one o'clock and I was beginning to yawn.

Nothing had been heard from Tyler for hours and I guessed he must have fallen asleep. I opened the bedroom door and discovered him curled up on one side, the room lit by my bedside lamp. One of my books about motor racing was open next to him and two empty beer bottles sat on the bed table. He looked so peaceful, I didn't want to disturb him and I simply stood and stared for a minute, listening to his deep even breaths, noticing the length of his dark lashes, the angular shape of his face, his jaw covered in a dusting of stubble, lips slightly parted.

_'Christ, Jacob, don't even go there,'_ I told myself.

"Tyler!"

He stirred slightly, but didn't wake.

"Tyler, wake up!" I put my hand on his shoulder and shook him; his eyes opened slowly.

"What time is it?"

"About one-thirty. My friends just left. You can go back to your own bed now."

"Can't I stay here?" He rolled onto his back and rubbed his hands over his face.

"No, you can't."

"I thought you were nice," he grinned.

"I am, I let you use my room for a few hours." I sat down on the edge of the bed. "Come on, I'm tired. Get out of here."

He pulled himself up with a groan and swung his legs off the side of the bed so that he sat beside me. His arm brushed mine and I turned to look at him, surprised to find his face only inches from mine. His eyes were half closed and he angled his head slightly and leaned in until his mouth touched mine. For a moment I was too shocked to react and sat there with his lips sliding against mine, registering dimly that he tasted of beer. Then I pulled myself together and gave him a hard shove, causing him to fall back on his elbows on the mattress. I jumped up and backed away from the bed quickly.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Oh, come on, Jake, surely you've been kissed before," Tyler said and sniggered slightly.

"Tyler, stop it, you're drunk, you don't know what you're doing," I said uneasily. I hadn't actually seen him drink that much in the lounge and I was more than a little confused at the way things were going.

"I'm soberer than you. Is that a word?" he frowned. "Anyway, I do know what I'm doing."

"Well, I'm not going to be your experiment, or whatever the hell this is. You're not into guys; you almost punched Tony just for touching your arm..."

"That day I really was drunk, I would have hit anyone that got in my way." He sat up again and dragged a hand through his hair. "Don't you like me at all?"

"Don't be ridiculous; you're straight. You'd never consider a guy if you weren't either drunk or desperate for attention," I grumbled.

"I had sex with a guy once," Tyler said.

"Right." I narrowed my eyes.

"I did. Well, not actual sex. He sucked my dick."

"What game are you playing, Tyler?"

"Don't believe me? I'm telling you; it was a guy in highschool. I was seventeen and he was a senior. I crashed the senior prom and got thrown out by one of the teachers. He was out in the yard drinking a bottle of Jack he stole from his Dad. I didn't even drink any, but it was the best fucking blowjob I ever had."

My stomach fluttered strangely as I wondered if he was actually telling the truth.

"You're serious, aren't you?" I said.

"Jake, I might be a complete fuck up, but I don't tell lies."

"Apart from the one where you mouthed off to half the school that I'm a...um..."

"Good fuck?" Tyler smirked. "You saying that was a lie?"

"That isn't what I meant," I sighed. "You implied that we slept together."

"Maybe it was just wishful thinking." He dropped his eyes and I was surprised to see his cheeks colour up a touch.

"Look, I don't know what this is, but I'm your friend, shoulder to cry on, whatever. That's it," I said firmly. "If you really did want me, which I doubt, you're hurt and on the rebound. I'm not doing this with you. Even if I wanted to I wouldn't, because I know I'd finish up with a kick in the teeth."

"Yeah, alright, I get it." Tyler got to his feet slowly and headed for the door. "Good night," he said quietly and made his way to his own bed.

I closed the door quickly and leaned on it. My heart was pounding and my mouth had gone dry. I couldn't quite believe he had actually just come onto me and then I remembered the night after his birthday party when he had begged me to stay with him. I had thought he was too drunk to know what he was doing or saying, but now I began to wonder if he really was getting ideas about me. It was the last thing I wanted after what happened with Paul. Relationships with room mates were recipes for disaster and Tyler had so much baggage it was a wonder he could fit it all into my apartment. He was probably longing for affection from somebody - anybody - and I just happened to be closest.

"Don't be a jerk," I muttered. I shouldn't even be thinking about it, but I couldn't seem to forget the way his lips felt on mine.

I was amazed that I slept that night, but I guess exhaustion eventually got the better of me. When I woke in the morning I instantly remembered Tyler's antics and groaned. I hoped he wouldn't remember it as I grabbed some clothes and headed out to the bathroom. He was still sleeping, face down, only his shoulders uncovered and by the time I finished showering he still hadn't moved. I kicked the end of his bed lightly with my foot as I passed him to make some coffee.

"Get up, it's nine-thirty."

He groaned and buried his face in the pillow, mumbling something I couldn't make out.

"What did you say?"

He turned his head slightly to the side and spoke slightly more coherently. "I'm sorry about last night."

"Forget it."

"I made a real dick out of myself."

"It doesn't matter, you weren't yourself. That's why I kept my distance. I knew you'd regret it if anything did happen."

"No, I mean I feel like a dick because I thought...I don't know...that you might want...obviously I was wrong."

My mouth fell open and when I caught sight of myself in the glass door on one of the kitchen cupboards, I snapped it shut again quickly.

"Like I said, you're on the rebound. The last thing you want in your life is more complications," I said awkwardly.

"Yeah, I know. I guess you're right."

The rest of Sunday was more than a little awkward after that. Neither of us had anything much to do although Tyler went out to the park for a while, which I suspected was more to escape me than for any other reason. The rest of the time we watched TV in our efforts to avoid talking to each other and eventually I took my laptop into my room and spent some time catching up on sending emails home. My family expected me to go back to Washington and visit for a few weeks now school was finished for the summer, but I didn't think it would be a good idea to take off quite yet. Much as Tyler had vowed to make efforts to move forward and seemed to have been doing so, I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving him alone in my home.

By Monday, the awkward atmosphere had dispersed and things seemed to have gotten back to normal, or at least as normal as they could be. We ate breakfast, went to work and later spent the remainder of the day doing the same things we usually did - lounging around eating dinner, talking, watching TV. Caroline called to talk to Tyler and he arranged to collect her the next Saturday after he finished work and bring her to the apartment for a while.

"That's ok, isn't it?" he asked after he hung up.

"Sure," I agreed at once. I had really liked the young girl and spending time with her made me wish I had younger siblings. I had older sisters, but we hadn't been close after they reached their teens and they had both moved out of state when I was sixteen.

It was around the middle of the week when I was reminded again of Tyler's behaviour on Saturday and my own confused thoughts afterwards. I had shoved it to the back of my mind as best I could, but I had found myself noticing things I hadn't done before. I wasn't immune to the fact that Tyler was a good looking, sexy guy, but up until now I hadn't dwelled on it.

I woke in the early hours of the morning, my room still in almost complete darkness. I closed my eyes again, intending to drift straight back into sleep, but I heard a slight sound from the lounge and I glanced towards the six-inch gap between my door and the jamb where I had left it open. I heard it again - a groan.

I frowned to myself, wondering if Tyler was sick or something. Half asleep, I didn't consider anything else. I slipped out of bed and walked silently over the thick rug to the door, rubbing my eyes as I peeked through the gap. The lounge was a little lighter than my room, vaguely illuminated by the city lights outside the window and I could see Tyler quite clearly, his blanket thrown to the bottom of his bed, pushing his boxers down his legs before lying flat again, his cock hard and quivering against his stomach.

I shuddered and cursed myself for not realising, telling myself to go back to bed. I felt like a voyeur, gawking at him in the darkness, but as he wrapped his right hand around his thick cock and began to pump it slowly, I couldn't look away. I hadn't really thought about him in a sexual way until now, but as I watched him release his erection and lift his hand to his mouth to lick the palm before reaching down to continue touching himself, my own cock hardened rapidly and strained against the tight jersey shorts I was wearing. I felt my cheeks heat up and I told myself not to spy, but I stayed there watching, my tongue caught between my teeth in an effort to stay quiet.

Tyler moaned softly again, his breathing growing heavier as he stroked himself, his hand gradually moving faster, thumb rubbing over the head of his cock every so often, spreading around the pre-cum which I could see glistening in the dim light. His free hand rested on his stomach for a moment, before sliding lower to cup his balls, tugging and squeezing, his hips lifting off of the mattress as he began to fuck his fist, his breath coming in harsh pants.

_'Holy shit.'_

I hoped I hadn't said it aloud, but it was clear I hadn't drawn attention to myself as Tyler continued jerking off, his hand movements becoming erratic as he approached his orgasm. In my mind, I was suddenly beside his bed, bending over him to capture his cock in my mouth before he spilled all over himself. I unconsciously licked my lips as I imagined what he would taste like - musky, salty, sweet and sour. I was aching and I cupped myself, rubbing the heel of my hand lightly over my erection and feeling the damp patch on my shorts.

Tyler came a moment later, shooting his thick white fluid onto his stomach and chest, some dribbling down the side of his cock onto his hand. He shuddered and groaned, then sat up slowly and grabbed his discarded shorts with his left hand to wipe himself clean. My eyes widened and I bit my lip to silence a groan of my own as he licked his own cum off of fingers. My cock throbbed impatiently and I backed away from the door, holding my breath and realising that if I did anything to relieve myself now, he would hear me. I would have to wait for him to fall asleep.

Part of me wished I wasn't in the habit of leaving my door open, but then I wouldn't have seen..._that. _I lowered myself carefully back into my bed, thankful that it didn't creak. Tyler would be horrified if he knew I'd been watching him. But then again...he had tried to kiss me and told me a guy had given him a blowjob once before. At that moment, I couldn't help hoping the opportunity would arise again and I would get to touch and taste him.

I rubbed myself lightly outside my shorts, but immediately my breathing quickened too much. I could never be quiet, not even when I jerked off, and there was no hope of me doing it with the door open with Tyler right there. I bit back a groan of frustration as my cock throbbed and oozed into my shorts, my balls tight and almost painful. The only thing I could do was force myself to relax and go back to sleep. I could relieve myself in the shower in the morning.

I closed my eyes determinedly and tried to think about something else - the work I needed to do in the garage in the morning; Caroline's impending visit at the weekend; Dad's disappointment that I wouldn't be going home for at least a month; Tyler, creeping into my room, sliding his hand under the bed clothes to capture my cock, stroking me, squeezing...

_'Fuck.'_

I couldn't let myself start thinking about him like that. I had gone too long without sex - without a boyfriend - and right now it would be much too easy to get into something with Tyler that I would sincerely regret afterwards. The last thing he wanted, or needed, was a relationship and damned if I was going to have a one night stand or something like that just for the sake of getting myself off. I would get emotionally invested in it and end up just as screwed up as Tyler himself.

Mercifully my mental lecture to myself and listing of endless problems that touching him would lead to, eventually made my erection subside and at last I slept again. However, when I woke with a stubborn and throbbing hard-on, the first thing I thought of was Tyler masturbating and I realised it was going to be virtually impossible to go back to thinking of him as just a room mate I would rather not have to put up with. I wanted him and the more I tried to ignore it, the more it invaded my mind.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

**Tyler's POV**

I didn't know what I had been thinking by kissing Jacob like that. I couldn't even blame the beer; I only had four bottles and had slept most of it off by the time he woke me. I didn't blame him one bit for kicking me out of his room, but after I recovered from the initial embarrassment of him rejecting me, I couldn't seem to get it out of my mind. Why the fuck did he seem so appealing to me all of a sudden and why did it bother me so much that he said no?

I rolled over with a groan and buried my face in the pillow, knowing I should get in the bathroom before he appeared and deal with the fact that I was naked and my shorts were next to the bed covered in dried cum from jerking off during the night. It had started with just a random hard-on, but it had been a huge relief to just get myself off and not think about any of my worries. Right up until the point I thought of Jake's hand on me; then it suddenly became ten times more exciting as I fucked my fist and imagined that he wanted me.

Now in the cold light of day the conversation we had at the weekend was going around and around in my head. He was probably right on one point; I hadn't gotten over Ally. It stung like hell and a tiny part of me still wished I could get her back, regardless of how much she hurt me. At the same time I was getting along better than I had in a while; I quit smoking, I was drinking less, even going to college and turning in papers on time, or I had been before the holidays started. I knew that was more to do with Jacob than anything else. He had put up with a ridiculous amount of shit from me; he made me feel better, like I might be worth something, like it wasn't my fault that my Dad was a jerk who didn't care about anything. I hadn't even talked to him about that aspect of my life properly, but he seemed to get me. He was a good friend; even after a couple of weeks he was a better friend than Aidan had been in fifteen years. Maybe that wasn't strictly true - I was just pissed at Aidan because of Ally.

God, it was hard work to think. Since Michael died I did my best to avoid thinking too much about serious shit; I didn't like facing things, but this was one of those occasions where I had to. I was jerking off to thoughts of Jacob and making an ass out of myself with him and I didn't even know what was so appealing about him. What would I have done if he returned my kiss that day? If he pulled me into his bed? Wanted to fuck me? My cock began to lengthen beneath me and I ground my teeth together. I couldn't remember having had such interest in a guy before, despite what I'd told Jacob about the kid in school. Maybe I just couldn't remember.

I turned over again to make myself more comfortable as my weight crushed my cock. What was his name? Martin? Marcus? Something like that. He had dark hair and eyes and stood a couple inches taller than me. When I was thrown out of the dance hall I wandered around the yard smoking a cigarette and kicking at the ground, wondering whether to go home or not. My mother probably didn't even know I was out. She was fighting constantly with Dad, who was living mostly in an apartment across town by then, and Aunt Sara was over more often than not, keeping Caroline occupied so the whole thing didn't upset her too much. None of them gave a shit about what I was doing or where I was.

This guy - _Martin _- was sitting on a bench in the furthest corner of the yard from the building, a bottle of Jack in his hand, legs stuck out in front of him. He offered me a drink and I sat down and took one gulp, almost choking on the firey liquid as it burned its way to my stomach. Martin laughed and I told him to fuck off. He laughed some more and I pulled out my cigarettes. We smoked together and he said he was sorry about my brother; he read about it in the paper. I didn't remember what else we had talked about. Maybe an hour passed and somehow we were kissing. I had been hard in seconds and Martin's hand was on me, stroking me, unfastening my pants. I wasn't innocent, already having slept with two girls by then, but nothing had excited me that much before. He kneeled on the ground between my legs and took my cock in his mouth, licking, sucking, drawing me deeper until his nose was in my pubic hair and I was exploding into his throat. I hadn't lied when I told Jacob it was the best blowjob I ever had - no girl had ever come close to it.

What had happened then? I hadn't thought about it in five years. I went home, jerked off thinking about him, realised that I knew nothing about him except that he was a senior and had now finished school. It was the summer holidays and he would be going to college in three months' time. It didn't stop me spending the next few weeks wandering around the city in the hopes that I might see him and eventually I did. He was in the park making out with some other guy and he didn't even see me. I had been crushed at the time and told myself I was just angry that I let a _fucking fag_ take advantage of me. My foolish ideas of dating him and boasting to my parents that I was gay in an effort to shock them into giving me some attention had quickly faded and I had begun to go through an endless string of temporary girlfriends, encouraged by Aidan who didn't get many of his own and lived vicariously through my sexual adventures. I hadn't told him about Martin, but it hadn't been shame or embarrassment that prevented me from doing it - I wasn't above trying to shock him just for the fun of it - but disappointment that it had been but a brief interlude.

My thoughts returned to Jacob again. Maybe it wasn't so surprising that I was thinking about him..._like that_. He helped me, supported me, treated me like he actually cared what happened to me, which wasn't something I was used to. In addition, he was undeniably attractive with his caramel skin, black hair, brown eyes and well-developed muscles. I knew he would be good for me - even as a friend he was good for me - but he didn't want me like that. What was it he had said to me?

_"I'm your friend, shoulder to cry on...that's_ _it...you're hurt and on the rebound...I'm not doing this with you. Even if I wanted to I wouldn't, because I know I'd finish up with a kick in the teeth."_

I suppose I had imagined that if he liked cock, he was going to like anybody's cock, which was ridiculous. I was a mess and nobody in their right mind would have a bar of me, unless they didn't know what they were getting themselves into and Jacob did know.

I heard movement in his room and quickly threw myself out of bed, snatched up my shorts and bolted into the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it behind me. I was a jerk and with all that shit whirling around in my head, I didn't even want to face him. I used the toilet and then dived in the shower, where I stayed until the water began to run cold and Jake was banging on the door.

"Tyler! If you use all the fucking hot water...!"

I turned it off quickly and grabbed a towel. Shit, I didn't bring any clothes with me. I scrubbed myself dry and then wrapped the towel around my waist and secured it firmly before I opened the door. Jacob was leaning on the wall outside and to my surprise his cheeks suddenly turned red and his eyes dropped away from my face.

"Sorry...I...um...the water's cold," I said awkwardly.

He jerked his gaze back up from whatever it had been fixed on - my belly? - and frowned.

"Yeah, thanks, Tyler." He stepped past me and as soon as I moved forward, closed the door behind him and locked it.

I quickly found some clothes and dressed, threw my shorts in the laundry and tidied up my bed. I was on my second mug of coffee by the time Jacob emerged from the bathroom and for most of that time I had heard the water running. I couldn't believe he had been standing under a freezing shower for thirty minutes and he looked decidedly uncomfortable as he returned to his room wearing only jeans. What the hell had he been doing in there? Jerking off? Maybe running the water so I didn't hear anything? I smirked to myself as I pictured him, perhaps sitting on the lid of the toilet with his cock in his hand, biting his lip to stop himself groaning while the shower ran loudly in the background. Blood began to make its way rapidly to my groin and I adjusted my jeans awkwardly and shoved my hand into my pocket as his bedroom door opened again. Damnit, as if I didn't feel uncomfortable enough around him the last few days; now I had gone at least part of the way to figuring what was on my mind and made things even worse.

I was relieved when Jacob left for work. I wasn't needed in the book store that day and I went downtown to the diner and talked to Michael, then hung around the apartment trying not to think, dreading Jake getting home with things so weird and trying to remember how I had behaved just a few days ago. All I seemed to be able to think about now I'd analysed what was going on in my head, was sex and what Jake's soft full lips might feel like around my cock and as another day passed and Friday evening came, with both of us staying in all evening, I only felt more tense. We got take-out, watched a movie and drank a few beers and I continually peeked at him from the corner of my eye, noticing how much he fidgeted and constantly changed position, rubbing the back of his neck, chewing his thumb nail, propping one ankle on his opposite knee, lowering it again and repeating it with the other foot. He was like a cat on hot bricks and I didn't get it. He hadn't even been this awkward the day after I tried to kiss him.

The movie came to an end and he grabbed the remote control, flicking channels until he found a football game in progress.

"This ok?" he grunted.

"Sure."

I put my empty beer bottle down and pulled my legs up underneath me, resting my elbow on the arm of the couch and my head on my hand. Jake shifted again, stretching his legs out in front of him and laying an arm across his lap. _He had a hard-on._ I noticed a second before his arm covered it, the unmistakeable shape of his cock pushing against the cargo pants he had on. It sure as hell wasn't anything on the TV that got him worked up - the movie had been about a serial killer and unless he was gawking at the football players' butts, it had to be whatever he was thinking about that he was trying to distract himself from and failing at. I glanced up at his face; he was scowling and grimacing, his cheeks flushed and his hair damp on the back of his neck. I began to get hard too and I had to force myself not to adjust my jeans as my cock became trapped against the zipper. _Fuck._

Mercifully the football game ended twenty minutes later and Jacob announced his intention to go to bed. I stayed where I was as he got up, carefully keeping himself turned away from me, and headed into the bathroom. I immediately unzipped to relieve the pressure and pulled my shirt down over my crotch. My balls ached and I desperately needed to get myself off. As the minutes ticked by I wondered if Jacob was doing exactly that in the bathroom. I doubted he would do it in bed; he never closed his door properly and he'd guess I would hear him. Eventually he emerged, mumbled 'good night' and disappeared into his room.

I quickly took his place in the bathroom, yanking my jeans and shorts down the minute the door was closed, beginning to stroke myself urgently even as I placed a towel on the toilet lid and sat down, leaning back against the wall. I came so fast I embarrassed myself, even though there was no one to see me and I sat there panting and grimacing, hoping Jake hadn't heard my groan which had seemed horribly loud in the silent apartment. There was only one thing for it I decided as I cleaned myself up and brushed my teeth. I needed to go out and find someone to fuck. Even a one night stand with some completely unsuitable but willing partner would be better than constantly jerking off while I thought about someone who didn't want me.

I decided I would go out the next night, find a bar that I'd never gone to with Aidan and hook up with the first person to look twice at me. However, when I woke in the morning I realised Caroline was visiting that day and the last thing I wanted on my mind was the prospect of going out to have sex while I was entertaining my sister, so I shoved it to the back of my mind and put it off reluctantly until the next weekend. Getting laid mid-week was always hard work, I had tried it before without success - the bars were quiet and most of the people in them were with their partners, thinking about work the following day. Caroline's exhibition was Friday so next Saturday I would do it. A week seemed like an interminable length of time to wait, made worse by the fact that Jake was clearly as horny as I was, but there wasn't much I could do about that. I wouldn't have the guts to approach him again, even if he was standing in front of me naked.

It was a very long week. I picked up Caroline Saturday afternoon and brought her back to the apartment for a few hours. Jacob made spaghetti, which was one of Caroline's favourite meals and she entertained us with tales of the bitchy girls in her class at school and her upcoming art exhibition. She asked three times if Dad was definitely going to attend and I vowed I would get him there, later doubting my ability to do so. When I took her home, I stayed talking to Mom and Les for a while and by the time I got back, Jacob had already gone to bed.

Things seemed to continue relatively normally throughout the week with both of us working and I had managed to at least partially redirect my thoughts from Jacob to plans for my evening out. I still couldn't help wishing it would be him that I would be having some fun with at the end of the night, but it clearly wasn't going to happen. I needed to get out there and forget about him; as soon as Caroline's exhibition was over and that went exactly as I expected it to go.

I invited Jacob and he immediately agreed. He was impressed by Caroline's talent and the pair got along like a house on fire. So Friday afternoon, we put on our suits again and took the subway to Mom's house, then accompanied her and Caroline and Les to the exhibition. I had called Dad two hours earlier and he curtly told me that his car would be bringing him to the gallery at six o'clock and that he didn't need reminding. At seven I went outside to call him and his secretary Janine told me he was in an emergency meeting.

"What the fuck is the emergency at seven o'clock Friday night?" I snarled.

"Tyler, please don't swear at me," Janine said sharply and hung up.

"Tyler, what's going on?"

I turned around to face Jacob.

"He's not coming. The fucker isn't coming. I _knew _this would happen. Now I have to tell her." I walked away from him and stormed back into the gallery, forcing myself to swallow my temper as I reached her and Mom. Mom raised her eyebrows and I shook my head.

"Caroline..." I dropped down on my haunches next to her, feeling sick. She was looking at the picture she drew of Dad, sitting at his desk.

"He's not coming, is he?" she said in a small voice.

"I'm sorry, Maestro."

"It's not your fault, Tyler. You came."

"Yeah, well I feel like it's my fault; I said I'd get him here."

"He does what he wants, you can't make him."

"Come on, sweetheart, why don't you show us the beach watercolours again?" Mom asked, grasping Caroline's hand.

I straightened up and dragged a hand through my hair. "I'm sorry," I sighed.

Mom and Caroline wandered away from me and my suppressed rage bubbled up again. Damned if I was leaving it like this. I snatched the picture from the wall - the picture that Caroline drew especially for that cold uncaring bastard we called a father - and charged out of the building. I knew Jacob followed me, I heard him shout my name, but I ran and when I got on the subway I was alone. I let myself back into the apartment, tore off my jacket and threw it onto my bed, then removed the drawing from its frame and rolled up the paper to make it easier to carry. When I reached the street again, wheeling my bike, Jacob was trotting towards me from the subway.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to see him," I said through my teeth.

"What, you're just going to barge into his meeting?"

"Fuck his meeting!" I swung my leg over the bike and lurched into the road, pedalling furiously and wondering why the hell I didn't take the subway down to Wall Street. Probably because I was too pissed to stand or sit still on it while it rolled its way down there, when I could cycle and burn off at least some of my temper by the time I arrived.

When I eventually reached the North Tower I was sweaty and dishevelled, my shirt sticking to me and hanging loose over my pants and it hadn't done anything to lessen my anger. I dumped my bike in the lobby and took the elevator up to Dad's office. Janine was sitting in the outer office nursing a coffee and she sprang up as soon as I stalked in.

"Tyler, what are you doing here?"

"Is he in his office?" I demanded rudely.

"You can't go in there, they're in the middle of...!"

I didn't hear the end of her sentence as I threw the door open and charged in, startling Dad and perhaps eight colleagues who were seated around the oval table.

"I'm so sorry, Mr Hawkins," Janine said from behind me.

Dad got to his feet and glared at me, ignoring his secretary, and off I went, pointing out his failings in not attending the exhibition after Caroline drew a picture for him, which I threw onto the table. His colleagues or whoever they were seemed riveted, while Charles responded with his usual condescension.

"Who is this display for?" he sneered and followed it up by pointing out that I was nothing but a kid with no responsibilities, who knew nothing, didn't know what I was talking about. Exactly the same as always. Caroline and I were both unfortunate creatures that he had bred, that he threw money at and didn't give a shit about. Even now I knew I was just wasting his time when his work was far more important.

"You know, you're just so tragically blind that the rest of your children are gonna hang themselves eventually! Will you even notice?" I yelled.

It was a shitty thing to say, even to someone who went to such lengths to avoid being a father, but I wanted a reaction from him; any kind of reaction that might show he had some sort of feelings and for once I got one. He launched himself at me and probably would have knocked me out if two of his colleagues hadn't grabbed him and another, assisted by Janine, manhandled me out of the office. I shook them off angrily.

"Tyler, your father notices, he just..." Janine began.

_"Save it!"_

Suddenly I just needed to get out of there. It was pointless. I couldn't make him spend time with us. Hell, I wouldn't have cared if he never spoke to me again if he would just turn up once in a while for Caroline, but he was too busy shutting us out as if losing Michael made him not want us around any more. I could probably have made more sense of it if I tried to put myself in his shoes, but it was the last place I wanted to be. I got off the elevator, picked up my bike and headed out again, once more pedalling for all I was worth until sweat was dripping into my eyes and my shirt was glued to my back.

Eventually I reached the apartment and I rode up to our floor, dragged my bike out of the elevator and stumbled inside. Jacob was watching TV, still in his smart pants and shirt and he leaped up when I let my bike fall on the rug and slammed the door closed.

"What happened?"

I shook my head and walked past him towards the bathroom, too breathless to speak and certain that if I said anything, I would fall apart. The anger that had kept me going until I reached home had rapidly left me and I felt sick and hurt and pathetic, which was no different to any other time I'd tried to make him take notice. I clenched my fist and slammed it into the wall beside the bathroom door, then weakly leaned forward and rested my head against it. I sucked in a deep breath and when it left me, it spluttered out in the form of a sob and with it, the thought that Jacob was probably regretting the day he ever dragged me out of that bar.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

**Jacob's POV**

Things had been more than a little awkward since Tyler tried to kiss me. It wasn't so much that he had done it, but the fact that now I couldn't get it out of my head and watching him jerk off that night had made things a hundred times worse. Every time I looked at him I pictured him naked with his cock in his hand and several times that week I found myself hiding in the bathroom and running the shower so that I could relieve myself, hopefully without him hearing me. I knew he was doing the exact same thing which didn't help me one bit; I just wondered if he was thinking about me while he did it and repeatedly I dismissed that thought. He was probably just desperate for attention as usual, regardless of who he got it from, but it didn't stop me wishing that I was more open to casual encounters, just so that I could get my hands on him, however brief it might be. It had been a long time for me and there was no sign of my single status coming to an end any time soon. That hadn't bothered me since I broke up with Paul, but suddenly I was beginning to long for somebody to be with.

When Tyler raced off to confront his father, I knew trouble would ensue and I switched on the TV in the hopes that it might distract me a little, but I simply sat there staring blankly at the screen and waiting anxiously for him to come back.

The door burst open suddenly and he stumbled in, dumping his bike on the floor and I leaped up quickly. He looked terrible - furious and hurt and lost all at once and he didn't seem capable of speech when I asked what happened. He headed for the bathroom, but then stopped and punched the wall instead, splitting his knuckles before the fight went out of him. The broken sob he let out made my heart ache and I hesitated only a second before I went to him. I touched his shoulder and felt him shaking as he pressed his face against the wall.

"Tyler..."

I turned him around to face me and he hung his head, tears squeezing out from beneath lowered eyelids, thrusting one hand out to push me away. His fist shoved against my chest, but then curled into the fabric of my shirt instead and gripped tight. I didn't know what to say to him, so I said nothing. Instead I brushed the tears from his cheeks with my fingers and when he leaned against me, lowering his head to rest against my shoulder, I slid my arms around him and stroked my hands slowly up and down his back. He panted for breath and held onto me tight with both hands, struggling to control himself.

"Sorry," he said eventually, lifting his head slowly. The word came out as a whimper and his still damp cheek brushed my jaw as he turned his head. I stilled my hands on his back and met his eyes, blood-shot and framed by spiky wet lashes. I didn't know if it would just fuck things up - it was probably the last thing he needed right now - but I moved the tiny amount that was necessary to bring my lips to his and placed a kiss there, tasting the salt of tears at the corner of his mouth. His breath caught in his throat and his lips pressed more firmly against mine, his fist uncurling from my shirt and resting flat on my chest instead. I parted my lips, sliding them along his lower one and suddenly his hand slid to the back of my neck, gripping tight as his tongue plunged into my mouth. For a moment it took me by surprise and then I was kissing him back, tongues exploring, lips crushed against teeth, soft moans escaping Tyler as he clutched at me.

I wasn't under any illusion that it meant anything right then. He was lost, hurt, desperate for affection and comfort, but it didn't stop the heat of the kiss rushing straight to my cock, making it stiffen and strain against my zipper, nudging the rapidly growing erection in Tyler's pants. He tore his mouth away from mine, gasping for breath.

"Oh, God, please," he begged. _"Please."_

I should have stopped things there, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was achingly hard and his clothed cock was pushing against mine while he begged me for...presumably whatever I wanted to do at that moment. I moved us backwards a small step until his back was against the wall, my mouth covering his again as I began unfastening his shirt, the fabric damp and clinging to his body after the furious cycling, which only served to arouse me more. My knuckles brushed the light covering of hair on his chest and I remembered the morning after I heard him jerking off - how he had emerged from the bathroom in only a towel. My eyes had drifted down over his chest and glued themselves to his happy trail and the outline of his soft cock behind the fabric and I'd been hard in an instant. Then I spent far too long in the bathroom with the cold shower running while I jerked off twice to relieve the pressure of the night of torture I'd endured after watching him. Now he was in my arms, his tongue in my mouth, his hands fumbling with my belt and my cock was threatening to shoot its load into my pants.

Finally I freed the last button and pushed Tyler's shirt off of his shoulders. He pulled my belt free and then removed his hands to slip his arms free of the shirt and I backed up briefly, undoing my cuffs and then peeling my own shirt off over my head rather than bother with the dozen tiny buttons. My chest was smooth in comparison to Tyler's and as we pressed together again, hands trapped between us as we struggled with buckles and zippers, the hair on him tickled my pecs, causing goose bumps to break out over my upper body.

At last I was shoving my pants and shorts down over my hips, freeing my cock which quivered against my stomach, the head wet with pre-cum as I dropped my eyes to watch Tyler uncover himself. His cock was thick and rigid, appearing pale next to my darker shaft. I leaned in closer and grasped both in my hand, rubbing them against each other, stroking my thumb over the heads and making them throb and leak.

"Fuck," Tyler hissed through his teeth, tilting his head back against the wall and closing his eyes. His pain, so recent, seemed forgotten as he thrust his hips against mine, his hands clawing at my back and sliding lower to squeeze my butt as I continued to stroke both cocks together, pressing them against my belly as I felt my orgasm approaching and realised I was going to embarrass myself in a few more seconds. I rested my arm on the wall beside Tyler's head and moved my hand faster, but I didn't have to worry about my lack of control. Tyler's cock pulsed and jerked against mine and he came hard, painting my stomach and spilling over my hand, his nails digging into my butt and a loud moan escaping him. Immediately my own cum was exploding out of me and adding to the mess and I heard myself groaning and swearing, my body shuddering as I stilled my hand quickly. Tyler's eyes were still closed, his chest heaving with the effort of breathing.

I toed off my shoes, allowing my pants and shorts to slip to my ankles and stepped out of them, then used my shorts to clean us both. Tyler's eyes opened slowly as I wiped his cock and he gave a slightly embarrassed laugh.

"I didn't mean for that to happen."

"Sure you didn't." I stepped away from him, my eyes dropping to his pants which were bunched around his knees. He bent and removed them quickly and then didn't seem to know what to do with himself.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" I asked.

"I guess." His brows drew together in a frown. "I'll just...um..." He grabbed a clean pair of shorts from the fresh pile of laundry on his bed and put them on. I went to my room to do the same and as I pulled the boxers up my legs, I realised Tyler had followed me and was standing in the doorway watching. I straightened up and turned to look at him.

"Can we...uh...?" He bit his lip and glanced at my bed.

I hesitated a moment. We could probably get over the fact that we just came together, kissed and clung to each other like a pair of desperate lovers, but snuggling up on my bed was intimate and would make me think about waking up with him, wanting him. I was so unused to this and I worried about how I would feel later, but what the hell. Right now I just wanted to give Tyler what he wanted, even if it was only me listening to him and comforting him and perhaps jerking him off again.

"Turn the light off," I said and climbed onto the bed. He did so and then stretched out on his side facing me, a few inches between us.

"I crashed his meeting," he said and laughed harshly. "Barged in there with Caroline's picture. I don't really know why I bothered; nothing I do makes any difference. He doesn't care about us - have any time for us - since..."

"What was he like before Michael died?" I asked.

"I can't remember. No, that's not true. I remember, but I try not to. I guess he was more like a father then. We all used to go to the beach house in the summer holidays. I can remember being there before Caroline was even born and my Dad playing in the sea with me and Michael for hours, almost like a kid himself." He swallowed hard and closed his eyes. "When Caroline came along he changed a bit - she was like the apple of my parents' eyes; this cute little baby girl that commanded everyone's attention. I spent more time with Michael then; he taught me to play guitar."

"You play too?"

"Not well." He snorted and looked at me again. "It was never that important to me. When Michael finished school and started touring with his band, I barely saw him and I started resenting the music for the fact that he wasn't around. Things were still ok though. My Dad was still there; he worked a lot of hours, but he didn't ignore us. It was only really when Michael went to work for him that things changed. I can remember there being a lot of fights before that; Michael resisted taking the job until he really didn't have any other choice and he resented Dad because of it. I was always on my brother's side above anybody else, regardless of whether I agreed with him or not. On that, I did agree; he was being made to do something he completely loathed and it literally killed him in the end."

He edged closer to me and pressed his face into my neck. "Why are you letting me do this? I know you don't want me."

"Tyler...let's not talk about this now," I said. "I'm just...being what you need." I slid my arm around him and he snuggled against me.

"You're too good for me."

"Tell me what he was like after. Your father, I mean," I prompted.

"Uh...well, he just...withdrew. He started fighting with Mom all the time; I don't really know what about, I didn't listen. I was too wrapped up in how I was feeling. Dad worked longer and longer hours and it was as if me and Caroline were gone as well. He didn't notice us, even if she was screaming in the night from nightmares or the school was calling to say I was in detention for fighting or refusing to work or whatever I got up to. I almost got expelled for having sex with some older girl in the restrooms, but somehow it never happened; I suppose he must have gotten his lawyers to sort it out like he always does. He spoke to me one time and told me I was a selfish little shit and he didn't need my antics upsetting the family..." He paused and let out another snort of painful laughter. "After that he left Mom to deal with me and she didn't have a clue what to do so she spent all her time with Caroline. Dad moved out and we barely saw him any more. If he would even give Caroline the time of day, I wouldn't care about me, but it's like she doesn't exist to him. Well, maybe not that, but he thinks a phone call and a gift card every so often is enough; that all he has to do is throw money at us and it'll be enough. What the fuck is wrong with the guy?"

"I don't know him," I murmured. "I'm not a shrink either, but he's probably as hurt as you are over Michael. Maybe losing his first son fucked him up so much he doesn't have anything to give his other children. Why don't you talk to him? Not get in trouble so he's forced to bail you out or crash his meeting and piss him off, but have a proper conversation."

"Don't you think I've tried that? His favourite response to me suggesting we talk, is to exit wherever we happen to be as if his ass were on fire. He doesn't do talking."

"What about your Mom?"

"You mean has she tried to fix it? He's not interested in much she has to say, especially not since she gave up waiting for him to sort his shit out and married somebody else. They only manage to be civil to each other on Michael's anniversary."

"Then you have to try to stop getting so worked up over it." I ran my hand up his back and curled my fingers into his hair. "If that's how he is and he won't make an effort to change, you can only get on with things without him."

"Yeah, it's just easier said than done."

"You do care what he thinks of you," I said thoughtfully. He didn't answer me for a long moment and then he shrugged.

"Maybe, but it's a waste of time. I'm done talking about it. At least now you know what goes on in my fucked up head." He pulled out of my arms and turned away. "If you want me to go, you can say so."

"It's ok." I reached down and grabbed the comforter from the bottom of the bed, pulling it over us both. It was still early, but I was exhausted and Tyler made no protest. In fact he said nothing at all and a few minutes later his breathing slowed and I realised he had fallen asleep.

I lay awake for a while, thinking about the things Tyler had told me. I couldn't imagine being shut out the way he had been and I hated seeing him so hurt and lost. My Dad loved me and was proud of me; he didn't particularly like the fact that I was gay and preferred to avoid the subject if at all possible, but he had never shunned me or made me think he thought less of me because of it. I was pretty sure it was just embarrassment on his part when he was forced to confront the idea of his only son liking other men's cocks.

Eventually I fell asleep, lying flat on my back with my arms at my sides. I didn't often dream, or at least if I did I never remembered them, but for once I was plunged into a vivid and erotic dream where Tyler was lying beside me, naked and hard with his hand stroking me teasingly, not firmly enough to give me anything more than a frustrating ache. I woke with a gasp and realised it wasn't a dream. He was rubbing me lightly through my shorts and I could feel his erection nudging against my hip. Now he snatched his hand away and laughed awkwardly.

"Molesting me in my sleep?" I mumbled, struggling to fight off the fuzziness of the dream.

"Uh...yeah." He edged away from me so that his cock was no longer resting against me and I rubbed my eyes and turned towards him.

"I wasn't complaining."

"I didn't think you wanted this. I thought last night was just...I don't know...because I needed it."

"It's not that I don't want you," I admitted. "I just think it's too soon after everything that happened with you."

"I know what I want."

I watched in the dim light as he slid his hand down his body and wrapped it around his cock, squeezing it firmly and running his thumb over the head.

"Fuck," I muttered as my own erection twitched in my shorts. My face heated up as I remembered how I had watched him and once again my own excitement got the better of me. What the hell; maybe I could just enjoy it without it being too much of a big deal the way it usually was with me. I lifted my hand to Tyler's face and leaned in to kiss him, intending to keep it brief and sensual, but immediately his tongue thrust into my mouth and drew a more urgent response from me. I pulled back only when I needed to breathe.

"Jerk off for me," I blurted.

"I've been doing that all week."

"I know, I saw you one night."

"You watched me?" His eyes widened.

"I heard you groan; I was half asleep, didn't think about what you might be doing. I got up to see if you were sick or something and..."

"Watched me jerk off? Fuck." He rolled onto his back and began to stroke himself firmly. "Did you see me come?"

"Yes."

"Did you do it too?"

"No, I was too worried you'd hear me and figure out I'd seen you."

Tyler laughed and panted at the same time. "I'd have finished a lot faster if I knew you were watching." He bit his lip and his hand quickened its pace.

I began to wriggle awkwardly out of my shorts as I watched, unable to take my eyes off of him. He gripped tight, tugging harder at himself, his other hand gripping the edge of the bed. He was getting close already and I absentmindedly began to stroke myself as I watched, noticing the amount of pre-cum oozing from his slit, the way his thighs tensed and quivered, his hand beginning to move more erratically.

"Fuck...I'm gonna come..." he gasped.

Within a couple of seconds his cock was spurting onto his chest and stomach, his hand slowing and squeezing the base of his shaft to tease the last drops out. When he finished he raised his hand to his mouth to lick his fingers the way he had before, making me wish I'd done what I imagined when I watched him the first time. It wasn't as if he hadn't had his cock in a guy's mouth before and I doubted he would have complained. I began jerking myself off more urgently, desperate to ease the ache which was building up in me. I noticed Tyler's eyes lower to watch me and I moved my hand faster, imagining that it was his hand on me as my orgasm built rapidly. Groaning loudly, I shot my load onto the sheet in front of me and then reached for my shorts to wipe up the mess. At this rate I would have no clean underwear left. I raised my eyes to Tyler's face and saw him grinning in appreciation.

"First time I've watched anybody do that," he said sheepishly.

"Didn't you fool around with the guy in school?"

"He sucked me, that's all. I never even saw his cock."

"So I'm broadening your horizons," I smirked. "I really want to get a shower, but I need sleep more."

"Me too."

He leaned over the side of the bed and found the shorts he had discarded earlier, spreading them over the wet patch on the sheet before he pulled the comforter back over us. This time he didn't turn away from me and I slid my arm loosely around him, letting it rest across his chest. My pounding heart gradually slowed and my eyelids grew heavy again. This time it was me who drifted away first and the next time I opened my eyes it was daylight and Tyler was gone from the bed.

I rolled onto my back and rubbed my eyes, yawning. I could hear the shower running and it was my first instinct to jump up and hurry to the bathroom to share it, but I stayed where I was. Last night had started off with comfort and finished with...I didn't know what the middle of the night episode had been; perhaps experimentation on Tyler's part. He hadn't touched a guy before and had been doing it while I slept. As good as it had been, jerking off together, kissing and watching each other, I was unsure about what to do next. Would he regret it? Would he want more? Did I? All I could do really was take one step at a time and hope I hadn't already made an enormous mistake.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE

******Tyler's POV**

I spent almost an hour in the bathroom although only fifteen minutes of that was in the shower. I went in there to use the toilet, then took the shower and then ridiculously couldn't bring myself to come out again. I left Jacob sleeping, but he was probably awake by now and I was filled with excitement, anxiety and confusion. Did I go back to bed? Would he want us to play again? Would he be hoping I'd want to forget about it? Should I just pretend nothing had happened? I_ wanted_ him to want me. Waking up in his bed with his arm draped over me, remembering how we had cuddled and kissed and jerked off thrilled me, but I wasn't so sure he would feel the same way when he woke up. I knew he had wanted to comfort me and I knew we wouldn't have ended up in his bed if I hadn't come home in such a distraught state.

I hid in the bathroom until I heard sounds coming from the kitchen area and realised I was going to have to walk out there and talk to him. I felt good about the fact that we had talked about Dad at least; a little of the weight on my shoulders and resentment inside of me seemed to have lessened just by sharing it and I realised that Jacob could be the person who would help me move on from all of this shit. I knew what I wanted; I wanted to walk out of the bathroom and go to him, press myself against him and kiss him good morning, but my heart was banging against my ribs with nervousness and I was less sure of myself than I could ever remember being. If he regretted it, he would probably push me away like he had that other time when I tried to kiss him and I'd feel stupid and crushed. And fuck, I didn't bring any clothes with me...again! I wrapped my towel around myself with a sigh. I wasn't the most confident guy in the world when it came to sex. Somehow girls had always seemed to want to tumble into bed with me, but I'd been hopeless at relationships - except for Ally of course. I had even less idea how to conduct myself with a guy, but I knew I wanted more than just his shoulder to cry on and a quick jerk off session.

"Tyler?" He tapped lightly on the door. "Are you ok?"

"Um...yeah, just coming." I grimaced. "Out," I added as an afterthought. I heard a soft chuckle the other side of the door and opened it reluctantly, my face warm.

"I made you some coffee," he said with a grin.

"Yeah, thanks. I'll just...um...get some clothes on." I sidled past him and he returned to the kitchen while I dressed quickly. My heart was still pounding and I sounded out of breath. I pulled myself together with difficulty and went to get my coffee.

"Do you want some toast?" he offered.

"No, thanks, I'm not really hungry."

"Tyler."

I looked at him uncomfortably. Here was the part where he said it was a mistake and it wasn't going to happen again; that he had only meant to comfort me.

"There's no need to be so jumpy. I know you wanted comfort last night; it doesn't have to be anything else if that's what you're worrying about."

"I wasn't. I was...I thought you'd probably wish you hadn't done it," I said in surprise.

He shook his head. "I'm just not sure if you know what you want. You have so much to deal with..."

"It doesn't seem so hard sharing it with you. I do know what I want. I want...well...um...you."

"I still think it's too soon...that you're gonna change your mind." Jacob put his coffee mug down and raised his hand to my chest. I was sure he could feel my heart racing and it only sped up as he leaned in and brushed his lips against mine, so lightly I barely felt it. "Let's just take our time with this, ok?" he said.

"Ok," I whispered.

I almost sagged with relief and I did what I'd wanted to do before - inched closer and pressed myself against him. He moved his hand from my chest to my neck and his lips touched my jaw before he drew away and picked up his coffee again.

"I have to go to work. Are you at the book store today?"

"I guess." I hadn't even thought about it and for a moment I couldn't remember what day it was - Saturday.

"I finish at one o'clock, do you want to meet me for lunch? Actually, I'm gonna need a shower, I'll come home first," he corrected.

"I can work what hours I like, pretty much," I said a touch sheepishly. "I'm sure Les doesn't actually need me, he just gave me the job because my mother asked. I'll finish at one o'clock too."

Jacob grinned and five minutes later he was gone. I didn't need to leave for another thirty minutes and I made myself some toast, my nerves having disappeared to be replaced by hunger. He wanted me and the knowledge pleased me a hell of a lot more than I expected it to. Taking it slow as he suggested was fine too - I was happy to let him lead things, since I was in new territory and when I left the apartment and set off for the book store, I had a genuine smile on my face for the first time in what seemed like an age.

I had only been at work ten minutes when Les came looking for me and I immediately assumed my father had called my mother about me crashing his meeting and I pre-empted him.

"Go on, do your worst."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I'm guessing my Dad called."

"Tyler, what goes on between you and your father isn't my business," he frowned.

"He didn't call?"

"No. We're going to the beach house a week from Friday; your mother wanted me to invite you."

"Who else is going?"

"The family, of course - me, your mother and Caroline. You can bring who you want, obviously...friend, girlfriend..."

Usually Aidan went with me and Ally had been once too. I could remember sitting on the beach reading a book and she had raced up, snatched it from my hands and thrown herself on top of me. I squeezed my eyes shut for a second and suppressed a groan.

"I...um...I'm not sure I can get away this time," I said eventually.

"From what? Work?" Les raised an eyebrow and grinned. "Caroline will be disappointed."

"Yeah, thanks for that." I scowled at him and turned away to the shelf I had been about to start filling. "I'll think about it."

I thought of nothing else all morning - well, that and Jacob. I wondered whether I should invite him. I didn't know him that well yet and maybe the weekend at the beach would be a fun time to get to know each other better. He was amazing with Caroline and my mother and Les both liked him. It was probably too soon, though; he would say no. He had said only a few hours ago that we should take our time and inviting him to go away for a vacation wasn't really doing that, even though we'd be in separate rooms and wouldn't be able to actually do anything with my family around.

I didn't mention it to him when we had lunch together, figuring it was almost two weeks away and I could spend a little longer thinking about whether to go on the trip and invite Jacob too. I returned to the apartment to find him just out of the shower and putting on a clean shirt and jeans and we headed out to a popular Thai restaurant that I had been in a few times. Jacob hadn't tried it before and revealed that having a room mate was good for one thing - he could afford to eat out again.

"You only want me for my money," I sighed, sticking my bottom lip out.

"Of course I do."

"So this is where you conveniently tell me that even though you're better off with me sharing the rent, you also forgot your wallet?"

"No, but if you're offering..." he grinned.

"I'll pay...so long as I'm gonna get something good in return."

"I'll have to think about it. I guess I could make you coffee..."

We continued with the light-hearted teasing throughout the meal and when we left to get the subway back to the apartment, I realised it had been far too long since I actually enjoyed having fun with someone like that. We were still laughing when we squeezed onto the overfull train and found a place to stand, each gripping one of the handles above our heads.

"You never did tell me what I get for paying for the meal," I reminded him in a whisper.

"That's kind of null and void now, since we went halves," he smirked.

"Yeah, I forgot about that part."

I glanced down as I felt a touch on my arm and watched as Jacob's hand closed around my wrist, his thumb stroking in a circular motion on the inside of it. Goose bumps broke out all the way up my arm and I shivered.

"Cold?" Jacob grinned.

"Damn you."

"Your pulse is awfully fast."

"You're a fucking tease," I hissed.

My cock was beginning to twitch and I was relieved I'd left my shirt hanging outside of my pants. Much more and the effect the simple touch on my wrist was having would become obvious. I glanced around me, hoping that no one was looking at us and my eyes met Ally's startled gaze as she stared back at me. I may as well have had a bucket of cold water thrown over me and I stiffened and clenched my teeth.

"Tyler?" Jacob's hand stilled on my wrist and he followed my eyes. "Just ignore her," he said.

His hand moved to capture mine, lacing our fingers together and I held onto him and switched my eyes to his face instead, trying to figure out how I felt about seeing her standing there looking at me. I was still hurt, but it wasn't so bad. I didn't want to yell insults at her or throw myself on the floor crying. I just felt like the time I'd been with her had been an enormous waste. I'd put so much into it - my trust, my love, just about all of me that I had to offer - and she threw it back in my face, telling me I gave her nothing. It made me wonder if I was setting myself up for another fall by getting involved with Jacob. I didn't think he would hurt me, having been there himself, but who knew? Could I let myself trust him? His hand squeezed mine harder and he leaned in closer, his lips brushing my ear.

"Are you ok?"

"Yes," I said firmly. "I'm fine. I just didn't expect to suddenly see her."

We got off the train moments later and made our way up to street level. Jacob was still holding my hand and I didn't pull away, even when some random guy raced up the street on a bicycle and spat 'fucking fags' as he passed us. If anything it amused me as I remembered myself using the exact same expression in that bar.

The teasing episode in the restaurant and on the train was forgotten after the appearance of Ally and the mood effectively spoiled. When we reached the apartment Jacob made coffee and I switched on the TV and we lounged about, a little distance between us, me lost in my own world and him thoughtfully giving me some space. He knew what I needed; I didn't even have to say anything and he knew how to treat me. My question of whether I could trust him or not seemed ridiculous now; he wasn't going to let me down and I'd be a fool if I let anything spoil it.

"My family's going to our beach house a week from Friday." I broke the silence at last. If he said no, he said no; I wouldn't know unless I asked. "We've been going there every summer since me and Michael were kids; it's about an hour train ride from here. Do you want to go?"

"Isn't it supposed to be a family trip?" Jacob asked.

"No, Aidan always used to go and Michael would bring his friends or girlfriends. Caroline would love it if you came along."

"Oh, so I'm only invited because Caroline wants me?"

"Yeah; I mean, obviously I don't really want you to go. I'm only asking to please her."

"How long is it for?"

"Well, they'll probably stay a week or two, but we can just go for a long weekend. It's up to you, you can say no," I shrugged.

"No, I'd like to go. I'm guessing we're gonna just be room mates as far as they're concerned."

"Yeah, I don't want my little sister to catch you groping me just yet," I teased.

"What makes you think I'd want to do that anyway? I'm only interested in the free vacation."

"I forgot; my money's all you want."

I was relieved to find that the fun we had been having earlier had returned and I pretended to be outraged as Jacob suddenly grabbed at me and shoved his hand into my pocket to remove my wallet. He flicked it open and eyed the credit cards and several hundred dollars cash I had in there, before he pulled out my drivers licence.

"Tyler _Keats_ Hawkins? Seriously?"

"Yeah, well you already know my father's a jerk, that was his doing."

Jacob tossed the wallet and drivers licence onto the coffee table and leaned towards me. "The photo on your licence is _horrible."_

"I was eighteen! I'd like to see what you looked like as a kid."

"I was hot."

His lips brushed mine. I tried to think of some insulting response and couldn't; instead I slid my hand around his neck and kissed him harder, teasing his lips apart with my tongue and thrusting it into his mouth. A groan vibrated in his throat and the sound went straight to my cock. My earlier uncertainty and the shock of seeing Ally on the train was long gone and this time he wasn't comforting me and I wasn't desperate to use whatever he did to me to forget about anything. It was just him and me without any ghosts lingering in the background and I sank down onto the couch cushions with a sigh, Jacob's heavier body coming to rest on mine as he fought for dominance of the kiss and took over. I slid my arms around him, squirming beneath him as I felt his hard cock against mine. He ground himself against me and I whimpered into his mouth, struggling to breathe through my nose as my pulse quickened and my heart banged against my ribs.

He pulled his lips away from mine a moment later and I sucked in a lungful of air, shivering as his teeth grazed my throat, then my neck right beneath my ear in that sensitive spot that made my hair stand on end. My cock strained against my jeans and I thrust my hips upwards, trying to gain friction against his erection until he pulled himself upright, straddling me with one knee beside me and the other leg hanging off the side of the couch. He peeled his shirt off over his head quickly and I raised myself up enough for him to drag mine off of me. Then we were fumbling with belts and zippers, desperate to free ourselves from the restraints of too tight pants.

"Fuck," Jacob muttered, shoving my hand off him as my knuckles grazed his cock. He pulled off me and stood up, yanking his jeans and underwear down in one quick movement. I wriggled out of my own pants quickly, tossing them along with my shorts and socks across the room in the general direction of my bed. I expected Jacob to join me on the couch again, laying his body on top of mine, perhaps jerking us both off together the way he had before, but instead he lowered himself onto the far end of the couch, pushing my legs apart so that he could kneel between them. My heart stuttered to a halt as I looked up at him. Was he going to fuck me? Only that morning he had said we should take our time. Was I ready for that? Holy hell! However, it quickly became clear that wasn't his intention.

He bent over me and his lips touched mine again, then worked their way slowly down my neck to my chest, his tongue circling one of my nipples before he bit gently, tugging it between his teeth until the nub hardened and my back arched up off the couch. I groaned and shuddered, clutching at whatever I could reach - the cushion beneath me, Jacob's shoulder. My cock quivered against my stomach and when I looked down I could see his bobbing in front of him, pre-cum oozing from the slit and gradually gathering until a droplet fell from it and landed on my balls.

He released my nipple and moved to the other one, giving it the same attention while one of his hands stroked down the middle of my chest and over my stomach, then down to cup my balls, determinedly ignoring my aching cock.

"Oh, God," I moaned.

I was a mess of tingling nerve-endings, desperate to come, while at the same time I didn't want what he was doing to me to stop. His mouth headed lower, his tongue moving in teasing circles until my cock bumped his chin and then he ducked lower suddenly, capturing it between his lips. I writhed and groaned, trying to thrust up into his mouth, but finding myself pinned to the couch by his hands gripping my hips. Slowly he drew more of me into his mouth, letting his teeth scrape gently, tongue swirling, his cheeks hollowing as he suddenly sucked hard.

"Fuck...Jake..." I gasped.

He hummed in response and his mouth vibrated around me. I shuddered and slid my legs further apart, stretching my arms above my head and clutching at the arm of the couch. Jacob's hands slid under my butt and tilted my hips, allowing my cock to strike the back of his throat. He swallowed around me and I strained upwards, relieved when his hands didn't restrain me, but guided me into a rhythm fucking his mouth.

"So close...fuck...I'm gonna cum...Christ..." I babbled. I could hear myself panting as if I'd just pedalled the length of Manhattan on my bike and I let out a deep groan as my orgasm crashed through me and Jacob drew me deeper into his mouth, allowing my cum to spurt down his throat.

"Holy shit!" I forced my eyes open and looked at him as he sat up, licking his lips and grinning, one of his hands now stroking slowly up and down his own erection. I watched as he continued touching himself, my breathing gradually slowing enough for me to sit up.

"Aren't you gonna let me do that?"

"If you want to."

I wasn't so sure I was up to letting him come in my mouth quite yet, even though I was used to the taste of myself, but I could certainly give him a good handjob. I leaned closer to kiss him, tasting myself on his lips as I pushed his hand off of his cock and curled my fingers around it. He was around the same size as me, maybe slightly thicker and I began to stroke slowly and firmly, drawing my head back to watch his face as his head rolled back, eyes closed, lips parted slightly as his breathing quickened.

"Mmm...feels good..." he murmured.

"You'd rather have my mouth on you."

"I don't care, so long as you make me come."

I dropped my eyes to his cock, watching the purple head emerging from my fist with each stroke and speeding up slowly, grinning as he gasped and grunted, lifting his hips to thrust more urgently into my hand. I cupped his balls in my free hand, squeezing and tugging on them, touching him the way I liked to touch myself. A few more minutes and he was panting and swearing, his cock pulsing in my hand and shooting its load onto the couch cushion and coating my fingers. I released him and licked them as I usually did when I got myself off and noted his taste was very much the same, but possibly a little less sour. Next time, I decided, I would suck him.

We cleaned ourselves up and put on shorts and t-shirts, spending the rest of the day sprawling on the couch, talking, watching TV, idly touching each other in one way or another until after the dinner Jacob made, I found myself stretched out with my head in his lap, his fingers stroking through my hair. He made me feel good in so many ways and I just hoped that nothing would spoil it and that I wouldn't somehow fuck it up myself.


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

**Jacob's POV**

It was the night before we were to go to Tyler's family's beach house and I lay awake thinking as Tyler slept beside me. Things were beginning to get out of control, at least in my head, but I seemed powerless to stop it. I was falling for him, there was no denying it.

I had intended for things to go slowly and said as much to him, but when it came to it I couldn't keep my hands off or my heart detached. We had made a pretence of sleeping in separate beds, even if we had spent half the evening playing, but after about three days we stopped bothering. He slept with me and we put the fold-out bed away. Most of the time I found myself filled with the excitement and constant butterflies of a new relationship and when I was at work, I thought of nothing else until I got home, which invariably led to us getting our clothes off as fast as possible and falling on each other.

Considering he had only ever gotten one blowjob from a guy, he was pretty eager to progress things with me and in the space of a week had begun sucking my cock with far more finesse than even Paul had managed. I barely lasted minutes, however many times we did it and he was just as keen for me to touch him. It was getting to the point where I was becoming desperate for him to fuck me - it had been a very long time for me and many times I fantasised about being impaled upon his beautiful cock, but I hesitated to steer things in that direction. I still held onto the small shred of sanity that said I could keep my distance and prevent myself from being hurt if things turned bad, but I knew I was fooling myself.

What concerned me was the rapid change in Tyler himself. I knew he couldn't have gotten over Ally completely and he had admitted it the day we saw her on the train, but over the past week he had become...I hated to use the word 'clingy' although that was exactly the way he was. When we were together he was all over me constantly and if we were out anywhere he had no qualms about holding my hand, regardless of what anybody might say to us. It was only in front of his family that he maintained a slight distance and he had told me he intended to tell them after the beach trip - not before, because he would imagine they would think we were sneaking off to be together at every opportunity, which would be exactly what we were doing. He didn't seem to be concerned that they might be less than accepting of him being with another man and merely shrugged when I described my own father's initial reaction.

I couldn't seem to shake the feeling that something would go wrong - that he would decide he made a mistake either because he had thrown himself into another relationship too fast or because it was with a guy - and it made me think I should try to get a little separation from him. We were living in each other's pockets and he was far too dependent on me emotionally. Maybe I was just over-analysing things the way I always did; maybe on the other hand I was right and I should take the opportunity to go home for a week or so and see my family. My Dad had already complained that the summer holidays would be gone before I got my ass back to Washington if I wasn't careful.

Tyler stirred and pulled me out of my thoughts, rolling over towards me and pressing himself to my side. He was hard and he gyrated his hips slightly, rubbing himself against my thigh, his hand quickly moving between my legs and teasing my balls.

"Shit, Tyler," I hissed as my cock began to stiffen rapidly. "Were you dreaming about my cock?"

"Yeah," he sniggered. "Want me to suck it?" He gripped the base and squeezed firmly, ran his hand up towards the tip and teased my slit with his thumb.

"Mmm." I pushed myself more firmly into his hand.

"Jake..." His mouth touched my shoulder and then my chest, his teeth finding one of my nipples and making me groan and squirm.

"Uh...what?"

"Don't you want more than this?" His tongue circled the nipple and then travelled south as he shoved the bed covers off.

"More than what?" I thrust myself urgently into his hand and he licked the head of my cock.

"This...sex. Are you gonna...um...fuck me some time?"

"No...I don't..." I cursed him silently as his hand moved more rapidly and he drew my head between his lips, sucking and pressing the tip of his tongue into my slit. _"Fuck!"_

He raised his head. "Don't want to?"

"Jesus, don't stop," I gasped.

"If you think I'm maybe not ready...well, I am." He dropped his head lower suddenly, drawing my full length into his mouth and throat.

"Tyler...fuck...do we have to...talk about this now?" I panted.

"Mmnh..."

I struggled to think of what to say. I couldn't expect to him to somehow know what was in my head.

"I don't top...often..."

"Mmm?"

"Damnit! Let me come first!" I growled.

I almost expected him to stop and take his hands off of me - it would be just like him to torment me that way - but he sucked harder, swallowing around me, stroking me firmly, squeezing my balls and I gave myself over to the sensations. I clutched at the bedding, my toes curling as he pulled my orgasm from me and then as I struggled to breathe, lowered himself onto me and rubbed his hard and leaking cock against my stomach. He made himself come before I had chance to offer him something in return and then grabbed some random discarded piece of clothing to clean us up. Then he stretched out beside me and rested his head against my shoulder.

"Sorry, you said you wanted to take things slow...I just thought...it's been two weeks..."

"Yeah, well in two weeks we managed to start living together as a couple rather than room mates; that's fucking fast," I said.

"I meant..."

"I know what you meant. It's a big deal for me, ok," I admitted. "I only ever had sex with two guys and neither of them were inside a month. Plus...um...if we do it, then you're gonna be the one doing the fucking."

"Oh! Well, I'm cool with that. Cooler, actually, than..."

"Tyler..." I pressed my fingers to his lips. "Shut up and go to sleep."

I yawned for emphasis and he fell silent, but tired as I was, besides languishing in the aftermath of my orgasm, it was some time before I slept. Now he had indicated he wanted to progress things, my own eagerness increased and I struggled to relax as I imagined it. It would probably hurt like a son of a bitch - it had been far too long and even though I had regularly fucked myself with my fingers up until he moved in with me, it would take a little effort to get used to the size of him. Maybe when we returned from the beach trip.

Finally I did fall asleep and I woke to find a mug of coffee on the bed table and Tyler charging around the room, naked and damp from the shower as he shoved several changes of clothes into a bag since neither of us had actually packed anything for the long weekend away. I glanced at the clock and realised it was nine-thirty - we had intended to leave at nine. I gulped some of the coffee, wincing as I burned my mouth and then headed for the shower.

The plan was to meet Tyler's family at the beach house. Les was taking them in his car, while we would go by train and arrive around eleven o'clock - or one, since we were late setting off. Tyler called Caroline from the station to let her know we were on our way and then reported that the others were already at the house making lunch and that Les was going to meet us from the station rather than let us get a cab.

Tyler's step-father was a pretty decent guy, unlike his father, and by the time we reached the house we were all laughing together. I put aside my concerns that Tyler and I were getting too emotionally involved too fast and decided to just enjoy the trip and not worry about it. Why fight against what I wanted?

The beach house was a large single-storey building at the top of the slope leading down to the sands. It had its own path from the rear porch to the dunes and a large area of decking with a picnic table and chairs on. There were six bedrooms and Tyler headed into the one he usually occupied, its window overlooking the beach, while I was shown into the room next door. Caroline and Diane were carrying food out to the picnic table and after quickly unpacking, we joined them for lunch.

We spent the rest of the day mostly entertaining Caroline - building a sandcastle, playing with a beach ball in the sea and so on. It was only after we all ate takeout in the early evening that Caroline elected to stay indoors, giving Tyler and I our first opportunity to be alone. We announced the intention to go for a walk and headed down to the sand again quickly. Dusk was approaching and we set off towards the south, strolling in the direction of a distant outcrop of rock which effectively separated the beach from the next. It was about a mile and by the time we reached it, no one else was in sight. Tyler grabbed me by the belt holding my loose-fitting cut-offs up and tugged me into the shelter of an enormous boulder where it met the sea wall. I leaned back against the wall and immediately his body was pressed against mine.

"I've been dying to get my hands on you all day," he groaned. "Maybe we should have come here another time, without the rest of the family."

I cupped his face in my hands and silenced him with my tongue, thrusting it firmly into his mouth and crushing his lips with mine. My cock lengthened eagerly in my pants and Tyler ground himself against me, zippers and buttons making me flinch uncomfortably. Then his hands were between us, fumbling with my belt and zipper, the buttons on his shorts, our underwear, until we were kicking the garments off of our bare feet, naked except for Tyler's t-shirt and my wife-beater. I began peeling these off awkwardly, gasping and shivering as Tyler's hands gripped me and himself together, his hips thrusting urgently against mine. He removed his hands briefly to pull his arms out of his shirt and I tossed it to the ground behind him, then cupped his buttocks and pulled him tighter against me, shifting my feet apart and imagining yet again that we were in my bed, that he was above me, about to push his cock inside me. We were both leaking and my imagination coupled with the feel of his hands and his cock on mine threatened to make me finish in a shamefully short time. Then he suddenly let go and stepped back.

"Oh, God," I moaned. "Don't stop."

Tyler chuckled. "What would you do if I walked off now and left you here?"

"You wouldn't," I panted. "You're as horny as I am."

"I can jerk off."

I watched as he slid his hand down his body in the semi-darkness and grasped his cock, giving it a few firm tugs.

"You're a fucking tease," I said, not for the first time.

"It'll be more of a tease when we're in our separate rooms later and you know I'm lying the other side of the wall with my cock in my hand and you can't even watch," he grinned.

Before I could think of a suitable response, he was suddenly on his knees in front of me, his tongue swiping up and down my shaft before he captured it in his mouth. I closed my eyes with a groan, one of my hands going to the back of his head as I began to give little thrusts of my hips, pushing myself into his throat. One of his hands cupped my balls, pulling at them firmly in an effort to delay my orgasm and then I felt him push one finger from his other hand into his mouth alongside my cock.

"Fuck...Tyler...what are you...?" I panted. I knew what he was doing, but was somewhat surprised that he wanted to try it out now, on the beach, when I wouldn't have a hope in hell of keeping quiet.

He pulled his finger out of his mouth and a moment later the tip of it stroked behind my balls, feeling for my hole, pushing against me firmly until it slid in a little, making me wince.

"Uh...go slow," I hissed.

He hummed acknowledgment around my cock and I shuddered, leaning my weight back against the rocky wall and trying to make myself relax. His mouth moved slower, almost releasing me until his lips and tongue teased only my head. His finger inched deeper and then began to slide in and out, matching the movement of his head as he began to bob up and down, taking my full length again. I groaned and babbled a string of expletives, unable to stop picturing myself pinned to my bed, his cock pounding me, making me come.

I exploded into his throat and he continued sucking until I begged him to stop, over-sensitive and weak-kneed. He rose to his feet and leaned against me, his erection hard against my stomach, his tongue sliding along my lower lip so I could taste myself.

"How was that?"

"I can't wait to get home," I admitted.

"Why? Want to have sex now?" Tyler smirked.

"Maybe."

There was no maybe about it, but now I pushed him away and lowered myself to my knees to return the favour with my mouth. Tyler finished just as we heard the sound of voices approaching and we scrambled into our clothes, then stood still and quiet as a group of guys passed by just a few yards away. We returned to the house quickly and went to use our respective showers before spending the rest of the evening with Tyler's family.

I hoped that we were going to get at least a little time to ourselves over the weekend, but it wasn't until Sunday afternoon that Diane decided they needed to go shopping for groceries. Caroline elected to go with her rather than stay behind with Tyler and me and Les suggested incorporating a short trip to see some nearby place of interest. With the three of them gone, Tyler and I had the place to ourselves for several hours and we didn't waste any time falling into his bed and indulging in some more fun, him kneeling astride my head and fucking my mouth while sucking on me at the same time. Afterwards we shared a shower, teasing each other with handfuls of bubbles and eventually playing again, grinding against each other with my hand gripping both of our cocks together.

We headed down to the beach then and sprawled out on a rug to enjoy the sun, both of us clad only in cut-offs. Tyler seemed happy and carefree and I realised it was some time since he'd had an outburst of temper or other upset. I rolled over towards him and propped myself up on one elbow, looking at his face, partly hidden behind dark glasses. His lips twitched up at the corner into a grin.

"What are you looking at?"

"You." I raised my hand to remove his glasses and he squeezed his eyes shut and then squinted through the lowered lashes.

"There must be something better to look at than me."

"Jerk."

He licked his lips and I rested my hand on his chest, idly stroking with my fingertips as I leaned down and gave him a light kiss.

"You look happy," I said.

"I am."

"Really?"

"No, I'm making it up." He opened his eyes wider and met mine. "You make me happy. Is that too corny?" He grinned and his eyes darted away. His lips moved as if he intended to say something else, but then he just grabbed the sunglasses again and replaced them.

"No, it's not corny," I murmured. I slid my hand from his chest to his arm and then grasped his hand, lacing our fingers together. He returned the pressure and then I pulled away from him quickly. Voices could be heard again although I couldn't pinpoint the direction and it was probably a good idea not to get caught smooching together. I sat up and looked out at the sea until a little time later Caroline appeared in her swimsuit.

"What have you two been doing all day?" she asked innocently, dropping onto the rug.

"Burning," Tyler said. "In fact I'm gonna go in or I'll be sore tomorrow."

"Oh, I wanted to go swimming," Caroline protested. Her mother and Les wouldn't let her in the sea on her own and I immediately offered. Delighted, the girl ran the short distance to the water's edge and I got to my feet and removed my cut-offs. I had swim shorts underneath and Tyler left us to it. I joined Caroline in the sea and we swam up and down in four feet of water for a while, then went to sit on the sand to dry off.

"Thank you for swimming with me," she said.

"No problem. I wanted to swim anyway."

"Jacob, is it ok if I ask you something?" She sounded serious and I noticed she was looking down at a seashell in her hands rather than at me.

"Sure, what's up?"

"Is Tyler ok?"

"Yes, I think so; why?"

"Ally really upset him and Dad doesn't help."

"He's ok," I confirmed. "He's forgetting about Ally."

"Is that because of you?" She reddened slightly.

"Um...what do you mean?" I asked warily. Did she somehow know something?

"Are you and Tyler...together?"

_'Shit.'_

"Um..."

"I saw you kiss. I came straight down here when we got back; Les let me out of the car before they drove around the other side of the house to park up."

"Oh..." I didn't know what to say to her. I knew Tyler planned to tell her and his mother when we got back, but I didn't want to mess things up. I could hardly deny it though, since she'd seen us.

"Tyler really likes you," Caroline went on. "I do too, so it'd be cool; I mean, if you are...together."

"You wouldn't mind him having a boyfriend?" I said tentatively.

"Jacob, it's the Twenty-First Century," she said seriously. "Why would I mind? I know I'm only eleven, but I don't walk around with my eyes shut and I do watch the news. I don't think it's weird; if you like somebody, then you like them."

"That's a pretty mature way of looking at it," I said.

"You think so?" She looked up at me at last and smiled. "You know, you shouldn't worry about Dad either. He probably won't even notice, but Tyler won't care what he thinks anyway."

"No, I don't suppose so. It's a shame your Dad doesn't take more interest though."

"He's always busy," Caroline said magnanimously. "I guess he loves us; he just doesn't really show it. Are you going to tell Tyler I know?"

"Do you want me to?" I asked and she nodded.

"We better get back to the house; Mom will be making dinner."

I took a shower and then went to find Tyler. Dinner wasn't ready to eat yet and he was in his room. I closed the door behind me and leaned on it.

"Hey; enjoy your swim?" he grinned.

"Yeah, it was fun. What have you been doing?"

"Jerking off." He smirked and shook his head. "No, I'm kidding. Is dinner ready yet?"

"Thirty minutes. Caroline knows about us." I just came out with it and watched his face pale and his mouth fall open.

"How?"

"She saw us kissing when they got back."

"Fuck. I didn't want her to find out like that; I wanted to tell her...what did she say?"

"She's completely cool," I said reassuringly. "She said she likes me and if we're together, it's ok."

"She didn't think it's weird?"

"No, her exact words were...'if you like somebody, then you like them'. I imagine she'll come after me with a gun though, if I ever upset you."

Tyler grinned. "I was more worried about what she would think than my parents. Is she telling them?"

"No, that's up to us."

He heaved a visible sigh of relief. "Guess we better come clean after dinner then. I doubt my Mom will say anything. Les can be a bit old-fashioned, but he's not an asshole like my Dad. He'll either accept it or ignore it."

"Guys!" Caroline knocked on the door and I stepped away and opened it quickly.

"Hey, Maestro." Tyler smiled at her. "So...you know the secret, then?"

"It's not really a secret any more, is it? Are you gonna tell Mom?"

"Yeah, after dinner."

"She'll be ok," Caroline said.

"Are you ok?"

She nodded firmly. "I actually like Jacob better than Ally."

"I'm flattered," I smirked.

That was pretty much the end of the conversation. Caroline was cool and she was the person that mattered most to Tyler. Later when we did talk to Diane and Les, they seemed doubtful although their concern was about the speed with which Tyler had taken up with me after the demise of his relationship with Ally, but neither of them expressed any displeasure about the fact that he had chosen to be with a man. With his family knowing about us and accepting it and him telling them how happy I made him and how good for him I was, somehow it made me less anxious that things would go wrong.


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

**Tyler's POV**

I was kicking myself for being careless enough to let Caroline find out about me and Jacob that way. She was the one person whose opinion mattered to me and I had been thinking of the best way to tell her we were together all week - then she had to catch us locking lips on the beach. It was just a mercy we hadn't been doing anything else. At least she was cool with it though and I relaxed immediately. My little sister could always be relied upon to be the adult even when everybody else, mostly me, wanted to behave like a five-year-old.

Mom and Les didn't care - not about Jacob anyway. They thought I rushed into it and feared I wasn't ready for it, but they didn't express any disappointment that I wanted a man. However, when I thought about it, they were probably right about me rushing it, even though I was certain what I wanted. I had stumbled clumsily into a relationship I had no experience of, but somehow Jacob made everything alright. Nobody had ever treated me the way he did, not that I had ever given anyone a chance other than Ally. He put up with my shit and somehow understood me; he was always there when I needed him; he seemed to stand between me and my rage at my Dad and my pain and resentment over Michael. I could admit that now - I did blame him. He left me and Caroline; he didn't think about us when he went off to a better place and he had turned Dad into a cold, uncaring asshole who ignored us. I hadn't actually plucked up the courage to say that to him yet though - I felt too guilty. Resenting my dead brother seemed all kinds of wrong and I wanted to somehow find in me a way to forgive him first before I poured it all out in my journal.

I was surprised how happy I felt with Jacob. He wanted me - I'd been unsure how much until he admitted he wanted me to fuck him, which I knew wasn't something he did with just anybody, and now I couldn't wait to get home to our apartment to do exactly that. It wasn't just about sex either - I loved being with him; he made me laugh, he turned me on constantly, he looked at me as if he actually cared about me and I was pretty sure I loved him. I had almost blurted it out on the beach - almost. He would think it was too fast, or maybe even that it wasn't true and that I was just desperate to hang onto him. I doubted he would say it back and then I'd feel like a complete jerk. While I kept my thoughts to myself and didn't press him into responding, I could convince myself that he _was_ falling for me and that some time soon he would be the first one to say the three little words that I had once told myself were for the corny romanticists who spent their time reading tacky love stories and watching the likes of 'Pretty Woman'.

"Tyler!"

Jacob's voice jerked me out of my thoughts and I looked up in surprise. While I had been sitting there daydreaming, analysing myself and wishing we were home, the train had made its way back into Manhattan and we were approaching our stop. I jumped up and grabbed my bag, following him to the door as it sprang open.

"I thought you were asleep with your eyes open," Jacob said as we headed out of the station.

"Just thinking."

"About what?"

"Stuff. My sister...you..."

"What about me?"

"You don't want me to say what I was thinking in the street where everyone can hear," I grinned. "Let's just say I can't wait to get to bed."

"You know I'm going to work, right?" Jacob said.

It was Monday and I remembered he said he had taken the morning off from work, but would be going in for the afternoon although why they wouldn't let him have the whole day off was a mystery; he was only a part time worker.

"Yeah, I forgot that part," I grumbled.

"Anyway I need to buy a couple of things," he added as we got on the elevator.

"Like what?"

"Condoms..."

"Got some," I interrupted.

"...lube..."

"Um...don't _you_ have some?"

"Yeah, an almost empty bottle. Don't be in such a rush, Tyler, you can't just jump on me and go for it."

"Yeah, alright. I wish you didn't have to work though."

"I need to make up some hours - they're busy at the moment and I asked for a week off to go visit my family."

He may as well have thrown a bucket of cold water over me. I had known he planned to go home to Washington for a visit, but so far he had put it off, mostly because of me and I had somehow convinced myself that I was important enough for him to keep putting it off. Obviously I was wrong.

"When?" I asked.

"It's not set in stone. Next week probably, my Dad's giving me grief. I was expected a couple days after school finished for the summer."

"Ok." I was hugely disappointed, but I kept my thoughts to myself until he had left for work. Then the idea came to me that perhaps I could go with him - get an extra vacation together. I'd never been to the west side of the country and it would probably please him if I got off of my ass and did something for him for a change. Maybe I'd upgrade our seats on the plane to first class and give him a treat; I was willing to bet he'd only ever flown coach. With this idea in my head, disappointment was replaced by anticipation and I got in the shower, then made myself something to eat and found a book to read while I waited for him to finish work and come home.

Jacob finally returned at six-thirty with a paper sack of takeout and another small bag from a pharmacy. He opened up the cartons of food, which contained various Chinese dishes and we dug in. I barely tasted what I put in my mouth as I thought about what was going to happen later. I was both excited and nervous, feeling almost like it was my first time all over again and annoyingly my cock hadn't so much as twitched since he walked in the door. Ordinarily I would have been at least half hard by now, but even when Jacob got up, peeled off his shirt and headed for the shower, nothing happened.

"Fuck," I muttered to myself, my stomach churning. What the hell was wrong with me? Why was I so nervous about something I'd been longing for?

I jumped up and went to the open bathroom door, looking through at Jacob's naked form behind the glass of the shower stall. He was washing his hair, standing sideways on to me, his shoulders bulging and his cock sticking out at right angles to his body. I imagined myself getting in the shower, filling my hands with shower gel, washing his cock and balls, making him harden further until the organ was upright against his belly and at last I felt movement in my pants. Slightly relieved, I undressed quickly, pulled open the shower door and got in there with him just as he turned his back towards me and reached for the shower gel.

"Give that to me," I said and took the bottle from his hand. I poured out a generous amount as he angled the water away from himself and began to soap his shoulders and back, then his butt. He hummed his appreciation, resting his hands on the tiles in front of him as I ran my fingers down his ass crack and then between his legs. My erection bumped one of his cheeks and my nervousness faded a little. I slid my other arm around Jacob's waist and stroked soapy circles over his chest and belly, then grasped his cock and pumped it slowly, leaning closer to him until our bodies came together and my now fully hard member rested in his crack. He moved his feet apart, spreading his legs as far as the little stall would allow and I drew back a few inches and pushed my cock downwards, tucking it under him before I leaned in closer again. The familiar ache of desire filled me and I gyrated my hips, wrapping both arms around him and cupping his balls, rubbing the end of my own cock with my fingertips at the same time. Jacob tipped his head back until it rested on my shoulder, stretching his arms backwards and resting them on my hips and I nuzzled his neck, nipping at his ear lobe.

Apart from two brief blow jobs on the beach at night and a sixty-nine when the rest of my family went out, it was four days since we'd been able to really spend any time with each other and four days was a fucking long time when you're twenty-two and your cock has a mind of its own. My previous anxiety went completely out of my head and I bucked my hips against Jacob, creating slight friction between my cock and his body until he drew his legs together again, gripping me between his thighs. I could quite easily come like that given a few more minutes and I kept thrusting while I began jerking Jacob off more vigorously. He was grunting and swearing under his breath, his balls tightening in my other hand and he came before I did, painting the wall in front of him and spilling over my hand. He turned the shower head to aim down his front, washing himself and my hands while I continued to shove my cock between his thighs, wondering how it was going to feel when I was actually inside of him. I had tentatively slid one finger in that day on the beach and he was so fucking tight and hot; that was going to feel incredible. I came hard and leaned against his back for a moment, panting and shuddering, before I stepped back and rinsed off.

My erection remained at half mast as I got out of the stall and dried myself and I left Jacob to do the same while I went to lie on the bed. He had placed the bottle of lube and condoms on the bed table and I felt another flutter of nervous excitement as I waited for him. I slid a hand down my body and grasped my cock, idly stroking until he came into the room. His thick shaft bobbed in front of him as he walked to the bed and I licked my lips and grinned.

"Leave yourself alone," he murmured, lying down facing me and pulling my hand off of my cock. He moved closer until our lower bodies pressed together and his mouth touched mine lightly. "Still want to fuck me?"

"Jeez," I muttered and felt myself twitch against him.

His lips teased mine for another moment and then his tongue plunged into my mouth, exploring and tasting, his blunt nails digging into the back of my neck as he held onto me. I heard myself groan and when he broke the kiss and rolled away from me, I was breathless. He picked up the bottle of lube from the bed table and passed it to me.

"Do what you did before, one finger, then two. It's gonna take a little while for me to stretch enough."

I took the bottle from him and squeezed a little of the cool slick substance out onto my fingers and tentatively reached down. Jacob's legs were spread apart and now he pulled his knees up, giving me better access. I stroked back and forth behind his balls, feeling him shiver and squirm in anticipation until the tip of my index finger found the tight puckered hole I had penetrated before on the beach. That had been spur of the moment; this time it seemed almost clinical, but when I pushed the tip of my finger into him and made him groan, that thought left me and I just enjoyed what I was doing, each movement of my finger drawing a gasp or moan from him. His cock was fully hard again and twitching eagerly on his belly, the head wet with pre-cum as I began thrusting the digit more firmly into him and circling it each time before almost withdrawing to the tip.

"Fuck, Tyler..." Jacob groaned. "More..."

I slowly added a second finger, pulling the first almost out and then pushing both past the ring of muscle. He flinched and hissed and I held still for a moment until he relaxed again. Shit, if two fingers hurt maybe it was a bad idea trying to get my cock into him. He was impossibly tight and my shaft was a good bit bigger than my fingers. I pushed them slowly deeper and curled the tips upwards, exploring.

"Oh, fuck, yeah!"

My eyes flew to his face and I stilled my hand again.

"Shit...don't _stop!_"

I repeated the movement and his butt came up off the mattress, his fists clenching at his sides. I grinned to myself as I realised I had found his prostate and I continued to thrust with my fingers, tapping it each time and bending over to lick the head of his cock while he writhed and groaned.

"Uh...fuck...stop!" he gasped eventually.

"You said don't stop," I reminded him.

"I don't wanna come yet!" he exclaimed. "I want your cock..."

I withdrew my fingers slowly and wiped them on the bed, my heart thumping. I was rock hard and leaking and I leaned over towards the bed table to grab a condom, ripping open the packet quickly and rolling it onto my erection while Jacob watched, stroking himself slowly, his legs still drawn up and spread apart waiting for me. I squeezed out more lube and coated myself liberally in it, then moved between his legs and grasped the base of my cock, aiming it at the slightly stretched hole which was still nowhere near big enough to accommodate me. Jacob's hands came to rest on my thighs, tugging me towards him in encouragement. I guided myself slowly and he breathed out as I pushed tentatively against him. The head of my cock slid in more easily than I expected and then suddenly it was too tight to move and I stopped, my body quivering with the effort of holding myself still over him and not succumbing to the urge to barrel forwards. I let go of my cock and rested my hand on the bed instead. Jacob slid his hands around to my butt, squeezing my cheeks and pulling me slowly down and in.

"Mmm...fuck..." I hissed as my length was gradually sucked into him, his tight heat surrounding me until I was balls deep, my body resting on him, his cock crushed between us. I glanced at his face, noticing his eyes squeezed shut, jaw tight, his hands preventing me from moving either way. I found I was holding my breath and I let it out as he slowly relaxed and encouraged me to move. I withdrew almost all the way and then slid back in, fighting the urge to pin him to the mattress and ram myself into him as hard as I could. He felt incredible, his muscles gripping my whole length, his heat intense, his cock straining upwards against my belly trying to find friction.

"Touch yourself," I panted and he took one hand off me and wrapped it around his shaft, stroking it in time to me thrusting into him as I began to pick up speed, encouraged by his hips rising to meet mine.

"Harder," he urged and I obliged, my balls slapping against him as I shoved myself into his body, sweat beginning to break out all over me, my breath coming in harsh gasps as I fucked a guy for the first time and struggled not to lose control of myself before he came.

"Oh, God...yes...fuck...uh..." Jacob growled, eyes closed, his hand moving faster on his cock. It was obvious he was close and I looked down, watching my cock pistoning in and out of him and his hand beginning to jerk erratically, cum spurting through his fist onto his belly. His ass clenched tight around me and I drove myself deeper and held still as my own orgasm rushed upon me. I filled the condom, my body shuddering and my arms threatening to collapse under my weight.

"Holy shit!" I breathed, reaching down with a shaky hand to grip the condom as I withdrew slowly and rolled onto my side next to him, knotting the rubber and dropping it onto the floor beside the bed. I flopped over onto my back, my chest rising and falling rapidly, my cock softening and dribbling onto my thigh. Jacob turned towards me and his mouth touched my jaw.

"That was fucking amazing."

"I want to know what that feels like, one day," I murmured. I hadn't been too keen on the idea when I first considered how we might have sex, but seeing how just a finger inside of him drove him crazy, I was suddenly rather more eager to be on the receiving end.

"Yeah...maybe one day." Jacob hauled himself slowly off the bed and went to the bathroom to clean up. Reluctant to move, I wiped my cock and my hands on a pair of shorts and lay there trying not to compare things to being with a girl, but finding myself doing it anyway.

Over the past few weeks I'd very quickly gotten used to a hard, muscular male body rather than softer, girlish curves or a petite, slim figure like Ally's and I had to admit I preferred the former. Jacob's large hands were rough from working instead of smooth and carefully manicured; his mouth was hard on mine and way more skilled on my cock than any female lips and tongue - they seemed to think if they sucked too hard or squeezed too tight with their delicate little hands it would hurt and as for sex - nothing compared to the hot tightness of Jacob's ass. I smirked to myself, remembering that I had ended up with him by accident after stumbling accidentally into a gay bar and almost punching a guy.

"What are you grinning about?" Jacob returned to the room and lay down again.

"I was just thinking that I'm here with you because you dragged me out of a bar after I insulted your friend for being gay. Kind of ironic."

"You're not having second thoughts, are you?"

"Are you kidding?" I moved closer and slid an arm around him, pressing my face into his neck. He smelled of heat and sex. "I want more. I love...loved it." I felt my face warm and hoped he wouldn't notice what I almost said. Even now, I wasn't too sure I would get the response I wanted.

"You're gonna have to wait a day or two while I recover. Been a long time," he said.

"Damn." I chuckled quietly and edged closer still, hooking one of my legs over his. "We better make the most of this if you're going to abandon me and go visit your family next week. Unless...I go with you." I closed my eyes as I waited for him to answer, hoping he would be delighted by the prospect. He just gave himself to me after all; why would he say no?

"You can't go with me, Tyler, I'm sorry."

"Why?" My heart sank.

"Because my Dad accepts my lifestyle so long as he doesn't have to dwell on it, but he wouldn't appreciate me turning up at the door with you without warning. He doesn't even know I'm seeing anyone."

"You're not even going to tell him?"

"Yes, I'll tell him, but if you meet him, it'll be later when he's gotten used to the idea."

"Did Paul meet him?" I sounded sharper than I meant to and I pulled away from him and sat up, grimacing.

"No, he didn't," Jacob said shortly. "Although my Dad knew about him. Why are you making such a big deal out of this, Tyler? It's only been a couple of weeks."

"I don't know, I guess I thought you might want your family to know about me. Mine have all met you after all."

"Except your Dad."

"Not because I'm ashamed of you!" I snapped. "I prefer to avoid him myself unless I have no choice!"

"You think I'm ashamed of you?" he said incredulously and sat up too, propping himself against the pillows. "You're just trying to rush things too much. I want you; I love being with you; we're living together, for God's sake. I just had sex with you and I don't do that with just anybody, like I said. But when it comes to my family, you're going to have to back off and be patient. I will tell my Dad about you, but in my own time."

"I'm sorry," I groaned. "I'm just gonna miss you, that's all." I felt like a jerk. I should feel lucky that he seemed to want me as much as I wanted him, but instead I felt surprisingly insecure about his forthcoming trip. Pressuring him wasn't going to help me though and would only annoy him, or make him think I was too dependant on him.

"Tyler...I'll miss you too. But it's just a week and I'll call. You'll get sick of me calling." He slid an arm around me and leaned closer, kissing my cheek. "One day you can come back home with me, just not now."

"Ok." What he said was fair enough, but it didn't make me feel any better. He was still going to take off for a week and leave me.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

**Jacob's POV**

I had been just as keen as Tyler to get back from the beach house, knowing what we would be doing when we got home. My afternoon at work dragged and by the time I returned to the apartment I was rather more nervous than I expected to be. It had been much too long, I never progressed things this fast, Tyler had never done it before, he might decide he didn't like it...those things invaded my mind as we ate the takeout I bought, but in the end it had been pretty fucking amazing and I wanted more. We stuck with blowjobs Tuesday night, only because I was a little sore, but the next day I fought against persistent erections when I was trying to work, knowing in just a few more hours I would have Tyler's cock in me again.

I did my best to take my mind off of it by thinking about going to visit my Dad. I had booked a flight now and I knew Tyler was pissed about it although he hadn't said anything. He said he understood my point - that two weeks was no time at all and that he couldn't expect to turn up on Dad's doorstep with no warning - but I knew he worried that I would take off home and enjoy myself so much I wouldn't come back, regardless of the fact that I had my home here, my job and in a few weeks, college again. He didn't think he was important enough to keep me there and it was clear enough why he felt like that. He felt that his brother had abandoned him, then his father had done the same. Ally and Aidan had also left him in a different way and I wasn't surprised he imagined I would follow suit, but it was making him too dependent on me. In the long run it wasn't going to be healthy for us and I hoped that my week away would improve things. I would make sure I was in touch with him every day so he knew what I was doing at least and that I was thinking about him.

I considered how I felt about him and couldn't help grinning to myself as I remembered that moment on the beach when he almost blurted out 'I love you' and then changed it to something else. He thought I didn't pick up on it, but it had made my heart flip over and quicken its pace. I had tried to keep my feelings in check, but it was a losing battle and I only held back from telling him how I felt because...I suppose I thought if I didn't say it, it wouldn't hurt so much if it didn't work out; if he realised he had rushed in too fast and really didn't want me after all.

At last I finished work and headed home, my hands shoved into my pockets in an effort to disguise my excitement as I leaned against a pole on the packed subway. My balls ached after the day of constantly thinking about sex and I hoped Tyler would already be back from the book store. The hell with dinner - I wanted him first, as soon as I'd showered.

Minutes later I was off the train and walking the last few yards to the apartments, checking my phone in the hopes I wouldn't have received a text saying Tyler would be late, but there was nothing. I rode up to my floor in the elevator and quickly let myself into the apartment. I could immediately see him through the open door of the bedroom, sprawling naked on the bed stroking himself slowly.

"Fuck," I muttered as my almost softened cock rose to attention again at once. I kicked my boots off and went to him quickly. "Couldn't you wait?"

"No; I've been thinking about it all day."

"Me too."

I kneeled on the edge of the bed and bent over him, kissing him hard and messily, breathing through my nose as our tongues met. Immediately I felt his hand on me, rubbing me through my pants and I moaned into his mouth and drew back, panting. Tyler took his hand off me and tugged down my zipper, freeing my cock which had escaped the shorts I had on and stroking the head tormentingly lightly between finger and thumb. I pushed myself against his hand longingly for a few seconds and then drew back.

"Shit, I need a shower," I groaned.

"Better hurry up then," Tyler smirked, grasping himself again with both hands. "You can think about where you want me to put this when you come back."

It was probably the fastest shower I'd ever taken and when I returned to the bed I was still damp from not having taken the time to dry off properly. Tyler was lying on his back with his cock in his hand, his lip caught between his teeth.

"Fuck, I'm so close already," he sighed.

"Well, you should have kept your hands off then," I grinned. "Let me do that."

I joined him on the bed, pushing his legs apart so that I could crouch between them, tucking my hands under his butt and capturing his erection in my mouth, quickly taking him deep into my throat. His hands came to rest on my head and he thrust upwards, groaning, back arching up off the bed. I sucked hard and in less than a minute he was exploding with a groan of relief, proving that he had been just as desperate throughout the day as I had. My cock was already leaking even without being touched and I knew I would come just as fast.

Panting for breath, chest rising and falling rapidly, Tyler drew me up the bed towards him, indicating he wanted me to sit on his chest. I kneeled astride him quickly, my knees in his armpits and leaned forward, resting my hands on the wall as he guided my cock between his lips. For a moment he did nothing more and I pushed myself forward impatiently, my thighs tense and quivering as I resisted the urge to drive myself into his throat. He had the lube in one hand I realised and was quickly coating his fingers, intending to prepare me while I fucked his mouth. I shuddered and made myself relax as I felt the tip of one digit brush against me and then carefully push inside me. His other hand squeezed my butt, drawing me deeper into his throat, his tongue and teeth teasing me.

"Christ, Tyler!" I groaned and heard a hummed response, his mouth vibrating around my shaft.

He slowly added a second finger, sliding it into me alongside the first and then thrusting both gently, stretching me while my orgasm built rapidly. I came in barely any more time than it had taken him and leaned my weight on the wall as he turned his head to the side to release me, his fingers withdrawing slowly and returning to his cock which I noticed was still hard when I looked down. I moved off of him and collapsed onto the mattress, gasping for breath.

"God, today was torture," I said. "Kept getting a fucking hard-on in the middle of an engine rebuild."

Tyler snorted with laughter. "At least the bookstore was quiet. I jerked off in the restrooms in my break."

"Are you serious?"

"I had to, it was too obvious with the pants I had on."

"Wish I'd seen that."

"Next time I'll send you a picture," he smirked.

We continued the teasing chat for a few minutes, our hands idly stroking each other's bodies until both of us were ready again, then Tyler sat up and grabbed a condom.

"How do you want to do it?" he asked. "Same as before?"

"No, from behind." I turned over and positioned myself on all fours, my knees spread wide, my erection quivering against my belly. "You'll be able to go deeper that way."

I held my breath in anticipation, watching over my shoulder as Tyler rolled the condom onto his cock and coated it liberally in lube. A few more seconds and he moved into position behind me, one hand resting on my hip and the other guiding himself. I breathed out slowly as he pushed himself against me, the head of his cock entering easier than it had the first time although the thickness and length of it still burned as he inched deeper, stretching me and filling me until he was fully seated and I let my shoulders slump, my head dropping onto the mattress in front of me. He began to move slowly, only an inch at a time either way at first and then gradually with longer and deeper thrusts, his hands gripping my hips firmly for leverage. I began to push myself back onto him, feeling his balls bumping against me, his cock hitting my prostate every few seconds and I wrapped a hand around my own neglected erection, stroking it in time to our movements.

"Fuck, you feel good," Tyler panted. "So tight..."

He picked up the pace, ramming himself harder into me, the bed creaking beneath us and the force of his thrusts shoving me slowly towards the wall. I moved my hand faster, chasing my orgasm which was only just out of reach. Tyler slid his arm around me, pushing my hand away and beginning to jerk me off, his grip tight and slick with lube and I braced a hand on the wall, my body trembling as he tipped me over the edge. I came hard, shooting long streams of cum onto the bed in front of me, the quantity surprising considering this was the second time in maybe fifteen minutes. My muscles tightened around Tyler and he plunged deeper and held still, his cock jerking inside me as he filled the condom. His weight sank onto my back and he stayed there for a moment, panting loudly in my ear before he withdrew and rolled over, collapsing beside me. I lowered myself shakily onto one side, my back to him and he immediately draped an arm around me and pressed his mouth against my shoulder.

"I should have met you years ago," he murmured.

"You did, when we both started college," I reminded him. I could vaguely remember the first lecture we had in the same class. He and Aidan had barged into the theatre right in front of me and let the door slam in my face. I had shoved it open and muttered something about manners and they had both laughed hysterically like children.

"I was a jerk back then," Tyler said.

"Yeah," I agreed with a grin.

We didn't move for maybe an hour, dozing and snuggling together and then reluctantly dragged ourselves out of bed to clean up and get some food. When we fell into bed a few hours later, once again sleeping was the last thing on our minds. I lay face down, grinding myself against the mattress as Tyler fucked me more slowly and gently than before and when we finally did sleep, it was exhaustion that claimed us.

The rest of the week continued in much the same way, both of us rushing home from work each day, unable to wait to get our hands on each other. Sunday loomed and much as I was looking forward to going home to see Dad and some of my old friends, I realised I was going to miss Tyler a lot more than I had expected. I packed somewhat reluctantly on Sunday morning while he sprawled in the bed watching, not saying anything. Even when I collected wallet, keys, cellphone, the printout of my booking with United and shoved my feet into my boots, he didn't have anything to say and I was unsure whether he had stopped worrying about me going away or was sulking in silence. I had called a cab to take me to the airport and as I looked out of the window, I saw it pull up in front of the building.

"My cab's here."

"Ok. Have a good time," Tyler said with a slight smile.

"I'm gonna miss you."

"Yeah, me too."

He returned my hug and pressed his mouth against my ear. I could feel his heart hammering wildly, but other than that, he didn't seem particularly bothered by my departure, much to my relief. I drew away, grabbed the piece of carry-on luggage and my book bag and headed out. My journey was long, but straight-forward. A couple hours later I was in the air and six and a half hours after that I was in Seattle, sending Tyler a text to say I was now in Washington about to get on the bus to Port Angeles where my Dad was to meet me. I got a reply immediately as if he had been waiting to hear from me.

By the time Dad and I eventually arrived back at our house, it was late and we took the time only to have a light snack, having spent the journey from PA in Dad's truck catching up, and then went to bed. My old room was exactly the same as when I had left it to go to college, used only during my brief trips home in the Christmas and summer holidays. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and when I woke I immediately smelled bacon and eggs frying - Dad's favourite cholesterol hit that his doctor had warned him a dozen times to cut back on. I checked my phone before I got up and found a text from Tyler which he had sent after I fell asleep - a sexy text telling me my bed was pretty lonely and that his right hand was getting a good work out.

"Damnit," I muttered, feeling a pang of guilt and quickly tapped out a reply. I probably should have sent a message when I went to bed, but I had been too tired even to think about it.

I took a quick shower and went to join Dad for breakfast, discovering he had a surprise for me. My sister, Rachel, who lived in Tacoma and was six months pregnant, was heading over for a few days' visit. I hadn't seen her since last summer when she and her partner and their little boy, Randy, visited for a week.

"Are Richard and Randy coming too?" I asked.

"No, Richard's out on a rig for the next month. Rachel and Randy are getting the bus to PA, I'm going to meet them later," Dad explained.

"You want me to come along?"

"If you want to ride in the back and get wet," grinned Dad, pointing out of the window to indicate the usual persistent rain.

"Yeah, ok, I guess I'll see you when you get back then. I might go for a wander and see if I can catch up with a few people; I never got to see anyone at Christmas," I remembered.

I spent the morning visiting with a couple I'd been friends with for years - Sam and Emily who lived close by. Emily was also pregnant and said she and Rachel were due within a week of each other. They gave me the third degree about what I was getting up to in New York and who I was seeing and as I told them about Tyler, I realised I hadn't mentioned him to Dad yet. Plenty of time for that later in the week however - it would probably be better discussed when Rachel was home. She had always been accepting of me, whatever I chose to do with my life.

I went home just before lunch and discovered the house still empty. Dad had intended to pick up some food on the way back with Rachel and Randy so I didn't bother to eat, but made some coffee. Then thirty minutes later there was a knock on the door and when I answered, I found Charlie Swan, the local police chief standing the other side of it. It wasn't unusual to see him at our place - he had been one of Dad's closest friends since before I was born.

"Hey, Charlie," I said. "Dad's not here, he went to pick up my sister."

"Jacob." He looked grim and suddenly I knew he hadn't come to see Dad or to pass the time of day while I was home. My mouth went dry as I waited for him to speak and even then, I only picked up part of what he was saying through the rushing in my ears.

"...been an accident...heart attack at the wheel...Forks hospital...surgery..."

"What...what are you saying?" I stammered. "Are they alright?"

"Come with me, I'll take you to the hospital," Charlie said. "From what I've heard, your nephew is fine apart from a few cuts and bruises. They took your Dad into ICU although the problem is his heart rather than injuries from the accident. Rachel is...I'm not sure, the paramedics seemed to think it likely she would need an emergency Caesarian."

"She's only six months gone!" I exclaimed in horror.

"I know." Charlie shook his head sadly. "I'm so sorry to give you such bad news."

The rest of the ride to the hospital passed in silence and Charlie delivered me to a nurse before returning to his job. I listened numbly as I was told that Rachel was in surgery, having both a Caesarian in an effort to save the baby and also having a compound fracture to her leg dealt with. Dad was on a ventilator, unconscious, his heartbeat irregular and they were as yet unsure whether he would require surgery.

My cellphone rang in my pocket and interrupted the conversation and I reached for it absently.

"I'm sorry, Mr Black, you can't use that in here, I'll have to ask you to turn it off or go outside," the nurse said.

"Yeah...of course..." I switched the phone off and returned it to my pocket quickly. "Where's Randy, my nephew?"

"He's getting a few stitches right now, but otherwise he's fine. I'm sure he'll be glad to see his uncle though, he's pretty shaken up. I'll take you to him."

I followed the nurse to a cubicle where Randy was lying on a trolley, looking very small and lost, snuffling miserably into the fur of a toy lion while another nurse covered a neatly stitched cut on his forehead with an adhesive pad.

"Hey, little man," I said, doing my best to sound the same as always and finding it quite a task when I didn't know if Dad and my sister and her baby were going to make it.

"Uncle Jake!" His tear-stained face lit up in an instant and he pulled himself upright. "Where's Mommy?"

"She's getting some stitches in her leg, just like you got on your head," I said, wondering how the hell I was going to entertain a five-year-old while I waited for news. I felt sick with the shock and I struggled to draw air into my lungs.

"Is there anyone else we can call for you, Mr Black?" the nurse who had attended to Randy asked me.

"Um...my sister's partner. He's on an oil rig, but he should know, I guess."

"Is his name Richard Stewart?"

"Yes."

"He's on his way...your sister was able to tell us his name and number before she went into surgery."

I heaved a small sigh of relief, although I knew it could be hours before Richard arrived. He would have to be air-lifted off the rig and then travel back from Portland where his company's base was. I took Randy into one of the family rooms to find some toys to play with, mercifully finding a small train-set which kept him occupied enough that he didn't keep asking me questions. I sat watching and praying that Dad and Rachel would be alright and cursing myself for not coming home more often, for not spending more time talking to them on the phone, for not telling Dad enough that I loved him. What if it was too late?

Two hours passed before the door opened and then Randy threw the toy in his hand aside and catapulted across the room. "Daddy!"

"Richard!" I jumped up as he swung the little boy up into his arms. "How'd you get here so fast?"

"The chopper brought me all the way here. Any news?"

"Not yet."

We sat down to wait, Randy curling up on Richard's lap now. I went to fetch coffees and asked one of the nurses what was happening, discovering that there was no change with Dad and Rachel was still in surgery. Her doctor would come to speak to us 'in due course'.

It was late afternoon before we heard anything. The surgery on Rachel's leg had been successful and she was sleeping under sedation after undergoing the Caesarian as well. However, the baby had died before they had been able to take it from her - an impossibly tiny little girl. I knew that Rachel and Richard hadn't wanted to know the sex before the birth, but had chosen the name Alice for a girl. Silent tears rolled down Richard's face as he hugged Randy closer to his chest and I sank my face into my hands, weeping for the couple, Rachel not even knowing yet that her baby was gone, and for Dad who still hadn't regained consciousness. My trip home had turned into my worst nightmare and I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that somehow I would wake up and find that none of it was real and that I was home in bed in New York.


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

**Tyler's POV**

I kept my feelings to myself as best I could when Jacob left to visit his family. I had been trying to ignore his fast-approaching trip and enjoy the week with him, but despite the fact that he really seemed to want me and couldn't wait to get home each day for us to be together, I couldn't shake the feeling that once he was away from me, he would have second thoughts. I played it very cool when he packed and headed out rather than let myself behave like a stupid insecure boyfriend, which I guess was what I had become lately. I continued to swallow my fears and went to have lunch at my mother's place and spend a few hours with Caroline; she was hugely disappointed that Jake wasn't with me.

During the time I spent with them, I was constantly aware of my phone in my jeans pocket, pressing silently against my leg and reminding me that Jake was on a plane travelling about as far away from me as he could get without actually leaving the country. Eventually I left and walked home rather than use the subway in case he called or sent a message while my phone had no signal, but I didn't hear from him until the evening, when he merely sent a text to say he was in Seattle and would now be on the road for a few hours. The rest of the evening passed slowly and when nothing interested me on the TV, I went to bed, placed the phone on the bed table and lay there thinking until within minutes the smell of Jake on the pillow and the image in my head of him naked and lying next to me made me hard. I teased myself by keeping my hands off as I thought about him, his hands stroking over my body, his full moist lips wrapped around my cock, his legs spread wide and his hips bucking against me as I fucked him.

"Jesus," I muttered. He was three thousand fucking miles away and the next week was going to be one of the longest I'd ever spent. I wriggled out of my clothes quickly, squeezed lube into my right hand and slicked it onto my erection before I began to stroke myself firmly. I was so hard I ached and I pushed myself eagerly into my fist while I grabbed the phone in my left hand to send Jacob a text. He had to be home by now, it was around ten 'o' clock in Washington, and was probably either talking to his Dad or heading for bed; I would say something dirty and he wouldn't be able to stop himself doing the same thing I was.

'Hey, Jake, your bed's awful lonely without you,' I typed. 'So fucking hard for you, my right hand's getting a hell of a work out. Miss you.'

I clicked send and dropped the phone, using my left hand to squeeze and tug my balls as I pictured Jacob reading the message, hopefully in his room, his cock immediately hardening and his hands quickly heading south to pleasure himself. I came hard, spraying my chest and covering my hand and used my discarded shorts to wipe up the mess. Then I stared at the phone, grinning as I waited for his reply. I doubted he would waste time tapping out a message to me yet, he'd be too busy getting himself off.

An hour later I decided he must be catching up with his Dad and hadn't even read the text yet and an hour after that I was just puzzled. Surely he would be tired after the long journey; he wouldn't stay up half the night; he _had_ to have seen my message by now and yet no reply came. It was past three and my head ached with exhaustion and the first prickle of fear that he didn't want to answer me. Perhaps he was glad of the space; glad to have put some distance between us. He hadn't liked my suggestion that I accompany him to Washington one bit, thinking I was pressuring him into moving things too fast. Was he taking a step back?

I dozed fitfully, tossing and turning and when daylight eventually came I felt sick, my stomach knotted with worry and my heart skipping frantically. Still I had no call or message and I got up to use the bathroom, risking a glance at myself in the mirror and shuddering. My eyes were shadowed and swollen from lack of sleep and I looked pale and unhealthy. Damn Jake for making me like this! Why the hell did I get involved? As if the shit I went through with Ally wasn't enough I had to fall right into another situation that was just going to fuck me over again. Would I never learn?

_"Fuck!"_ I snarled and slammed my fist into the mirror. There was already a crack across one corner of the glass and now a spider web of additional cracks radiated outwards, several shards fell from the frame and one small piece embedded itself in my knuckles. I swore again viciously and plucked out the piece of glass, dripping blood onto the floor before I could wrap a towel around it. I wandered naked into the kitchen, grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and uncapped it. Beer for breakfast; old habits die hard.

I paced around drinking until I decided being naked wasn't making me feel any better because it made me think about sex and that was probably the last thing on Jacob's mind right now. He was too busy or too _happy_ to even think about me. I dragged on jeans and a shirt quickly and threw myself onto the couch, trying to talk myself out of the horrible frame of mind I was in and failing miserably. Telling myself that I was being a pathetic desperate _girl _and that I needed to get hold of myself wasn't working. Remembering the things I had shared with Jacob didn't either; the kisses, the sex, the fact that he slept with me so fast when he said he never did that, never slept around. My mind was my worst enemy and the one thought that I couldn't forget was that he hadn't even bothered to contact me before he went to bed and he had to have seen my message.

Unless...he never made it home. Perhaps something happened on the way. He had to travel from Seattle to Port Angeles by bus and then an hour home in his Dad's truck. Maybe there was an accident; maybe he was lying in hospital covered in bandages; maybe he was...

I heard my phone beep in the bedroom where I had left it and I catapulted off of the couch, the bottle flying out of my hand and landing on the rug where it emptied the rest of its contents. I grabbed the phone up from the bed table and opened up the text message.

'Tyler, if you're not coming to work today it would be good if you could let me know. Les.'

I glanced at the clock - eleven which meant it was eight in Washington. I didn't bother to answer Les's message but sprawled out on the bed again, my heart hammering from my excited flight to the bedroom and ensuing disappointment. Where the fuck was he? Ten more minutes crawled by and then another message came; Les again probably. I opened it reluctantly.

'Sorry I missed your message last night; so tired I passed out early, only just woke up. Guess you're at work so will talk to you later. J.'

My breath that I hadn't realised I had been holding rushed out and I swallowed hard past the lump in my throat. I was a jerk. I spent the whole night worrying about nothing with my stupid paranoid mind conjuring up the worst, thinking he was glad to get away from me, or that something had happened to him. I laughed slightly shakily and considered a response to send him, but then thought better of it. He would probably call later - for now I would let him enjoy spending time with his family rather than make it look like I was sitting holding the phone waiting to hear from him.

I sent Les a text to apologise for not turning up and made out that I was sick, then I cleared up the mess in the bathroom, bandaged my persistently bleeding hand, cleaned the beer stain off the rug and made some lunch although I still found it almost impossible to eat. I missed Jacob a ridiculous amount and I was longing to talk to him. I had never felt like this, not even with Ally. Sure, I'd loved her, but I'd never had this desperate feeling when she wasn't around, even if she went off to spend a few days with her Dad and didn't call. I reasoned that I was clingy because of what she had done to me and Jake was just so good to me that I dreaded losing him. Now he was across the other side of the country, free to do exactly what he wanted without having to worry about what I might do or say and despite his text, despite knowing we would be talking to each other soon, again I wondered if he was relieved to be away from me.

The afternoon came to an end and I gave up waiting and called him. He hadn't said he was going to call, I reasoned, only that he would talk to me later, and I scrolled to his name in my contacts and punched 'call' before I could change my mind, wiping my damp palms on my pants legs as I waited for him to answer. Ridiculous to be so full of excitement and nervousness about talking to my own boyfriend, but I was and I couldn't help it.

Three rings...four...five...then suddenly the answer service kicked in as if he had switched the phone off. That had to have happened because his phone didn't divert to answer until seven rings if he just ignored it.

"What the fuck?" I gasped and then bit my tongue and waited for the automatic response to end. "Hey, Jake...um...it's Tyler...give me a call when you get this? Bye."

I tossed the phone onto the bed and wrapped my arms around myself, pacing slowly up and down the room. He turned the phone off? Rejected my call? Why? What the hell was he doing? Did something happen? Was he ok? Was he enjoying himself without me and didn't want to be reminded what was waiting for him here in New York? Was he with somebody else? An old flame?

"Well, fuck you," I muttered. "Fuck you, Jake, do whatever the hell you want, you asshole!"

I charged into the lounge and stamped up and down, cursing and calling him every name I could think of. If I stayed mad it wouldn't hurt; I wouldn't feel sick or worried and my stupid heart wouldn't ache. I grabbed another beer, switched on the TV and tried to talk myself out of my mood again. It could have just been a coincidence. Maybe he was in the middle of something important - like telling his Dad about me, or maybe he just couldn't talk right then; he wanted to save it until he was alone so he could tell me he missed me and wanted me.

My thoughts continued to assault me, alternately good and bad, the negative ones decidedly more frequent as I worked my way through the half dozen beers left in the fridge. A couple hours passed and I tried calling Jake again; I couldn't stop myself, but his phone went straight to the answer service. The same thing happened an hour later and again an hour after that. He didn't want to talk to me; there was no other explanation. Being away from me made him realise I was too much like hard work and he would come back next weekend and break up with me. I sniffed hard and discovered with annoyance that my face was wet, tears making their way slowly down my cheeks and dripping onto my shirt. Did he really not want me any more? My imagination had never been my best friend, but tonight it was determined to break me and I began to sob, loudly and wretchedly until the combination of emotions and beer made my stomach churn and I ran to the bathroom to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet. When I was done I sank onto my back on the cold tiles, wondering how I got to be so fucked up.

Eventually I must have passed out or fallen asleep. I opened my eyes in the darkness and found I was cold and stiff from lying on the bathroom floor and when I picked up my phone to check the time it was the middle of the night. I tried calling Jake one more time, but his phone was still off, which by now didn't surprise me. Resigned, I hauled myself up and took a shower before going to bed, tearing the sheets off and dumping them on the floor so that I didn't have to lie there with the smell of him in my nostrils. I slept heavily and when I woke again it was bright daylight and my head hurt. I went to make some coffee and my phone rang, but when I checked the caller display it was a number I didn't recognise and I cut it off, then tried again to call Jake although I didn't feel that there was much point. His phone was off - of course it was.

I drank two coffees, pulled on some clothes and headed out to the book store, thinking that work would at least go a little way to taking my mind off things, even if it was only filling shelves. I slunk into the building fifteen minutes late and went upstairs to get started, but before I had begun Les appeared, frowning.

"Tyler..."

"What?" I grunted.

"Are you alright?"

I shrugged.

"You look terrible," he added.

"Thanks."

"If you're sick, go home, or go to your mother's."

"I want to work."

"Tyler, please, just go home and rest or something. You don't look fit to work," Les insisted.

"Fine!" I snapped. "I'll fucking go home then!" I shoved the small ladder which I had been about to climb out of my way and stormed away from him, my fists clenched, resisting the urge to punch something again with difficulty. I began to trudge home and a few minutes later my phone rang in my pocket. I didn't hear it above the noise of the traffic close by, but it vibrated urgently against my thigh and I pulled it out quickly. It was the same number from before that I didn't know and this time I answered.

"What?" I growled.

"Tyler...it's Jacob."

I stopped still suddenly in the middle of the street and almost caused someone to collide with me as I clutched tighter at the phone in an effort not to drop it. My heart began to race, mostly with relief as I heard his voice.

"Where's your phone?" I asked dumbly.

"I had to turn it off, I'm..." I missed the next few words as a fire truck screamed past me and I pressed the phone harder to my ear.

"I've been trying to call you," I said.

"I'm sorry, I called you from this phone." His voice sounded strange, I noted, like he was tense or sad; like he would rather be somewhere else?

"What's going on?" I held my breath as I waited for him to answer, but next I heard someone else's voice.

"Jacob, you need to come now, Billy needs you..."

"He's awake?" Jacob said excitedly.

"Yes, hurry up, he's asking for you."

"Tyler, I'm sorry, I have to go, I'll call you back as soon as I can, ok?"

"Jake..." I began, but he had already ended the call. "Who's Billy?" I whispered. "Who the fuck is Billy?"

I walked the rest of the way home, barely noticing when other pedestrians had to dodge out of the way to avoid me, when a cab screeched to a halt to avoid running me down as I headed across the street. As usually my mind was working overtime, but now it seemed like it had reason to. I had never heard Jacob mention someone called Billy, only Paul who was his ex; who had lived with him. I knew he had been with two guys though, so was Billy the other one? Was he an old flame back in Washington that he had realised he missed? The short exchange between Jake and the other person at the end of the phone had sounded strange; they were talking about Billy waking up and asking for Jacob and I wondered if he were in hospital. That would explain why his phone was off and why he sounded upset and then excited when he heard _Billy_ was awake.

Again I was filled with a combination of anger, fear and hurt and when I made it into the apartment I immediately pulled open the fridge looking for beer, but there was none there - I had consumed it all the previous day. I took a look at myself in the glass door on one of the cupboards and realised Les had been right - I did look sick. I was pale and haggard, my hair looked even crazier than usual and I had my t-shirt on inside out. I needed to go out and find something to drink before I broke anything else and I went to shower again first, cleaned my teeth and put on some fresh clothes. If I stayed in I would probably end up crying pathetically on the bathroom floor again and I didn't want to be reduced to that. If Jacob couldn't even be bothered to talk to me for five minutes and tell me what was happening, then fuck him. I wouldn't go through this again. I tossed my phone onto the kitchen counter, pocketed my wallet and keys and left the building.

Rather than just buy a bottle, I went to the old bar where I used to hang out with Aidan, reasoning that he wouldn't be in there at this time of day. They hadn't been open long and the place was virtually empty.

"Hey, Tyler, where've you been lately?" the bartender asked. "Thought you must have quit drinking." He poured a double Jack without waiting for me to say what I wanted and I took the glass and emptied it before I answered him.

"Don't be stupid. I've just been busy, that's all. Another."

"Starting early, aren't you?" he said, refilling the glass.

"Nothing else to do."

"Fair enough. Why don't I just leave you this bottle here; give me a yell if you want anything else, ok?" He moved away to attend to another customer, leaving the bottle of Jack staring at me on the bar. I wondered how much of it I could drink before I passed out; unconsciousness would certainly be welcome right now; I wouldn't have to keep thinking about Jake, wondering what he was doing, wondering what or _who _was more important than me.

I was unsure of how much time passed before I had company - three guys and two girls that I vaguely knew from my endless nights drinking in that bar with Aidan. They surrounded me, ordering drinks and chattering, asking me what I was doing there alone. They weren't what I would call friends, just acquaintances really. I hadn't had proper friends, I remembered, except for Aidan, who stabbed me in the back.

"So, are you still on your own?" one of the girls asked and I frowned at her, puzzled.

"Whaddya mean?"

"After Ally. It's been a while now; she was a bitch to you, we all heard what happened."

"Yeah, well, you win some, you lose some," I grunted. "You still hang out with Aidan?"

"The guys do, but, you know, I never really liked him. I'm Amber, by the way, in case you didn't remember."

I didn't remember; in fact I wondered if I'd ever known her name. I'd always been too focused on Ally to really pay any attention before and now I was too far down the bottle of Jack to notice. I registered that she was blonde and wearing red and that her voice was kind of nasal and irritating, but that was it. I topped up my glass again and listened to the babble around me, wishing my thoughts would just go away.

Some time later I left the bar with the others. The girls staggered tipsily around in the street and I weaved my way along with them, one of the guys holding me up as we made our way into another building. Then there was music and vodka and the place was lit by curious red lighting. Amber snuggled up to me on the couch I sat on, stroking her hand through my hair, the nails of her other hand circling lazily on my chest inside my open shirt. At last I stopped thinking about anything else; thoughts of Jacob avoiding me, not wanting to talk to me, having something more important to do with somebody else, sitting at their bedside in the hospital, faded and I was kissing the girl. I had forgotten her name again, but she tasted sweet, like strawberries and her hands were quick and eager.

"Woah, you guys want some privacy?" one of the other guys shouted and I heard laughter. I realised my cock was sticking out of my pants and I giggled as the thought crossed my mind that however much I drank, I could still get hard.

"Shut the fuck up, Daz, enjoy the show," another voice said.

I drew the girl onto my lap so that she straddled me and then pulled her top up, baring her breasts and pressing my face into them. She had a lot more than Ally, I realised; enough to fill my hands. She shuffled around, reaching beneath her skirt, manoeuvring herself until I felt myself being drawn into her warm, wet pussy. It felt good and she was bouncing eagerly up and down, her nails digging into the back of my neck and her breasts bumping my face. I felt strange as if I was watching myself rather than actually being part of it and despite my hardness, I registered vaguely that I was about as far from coming as I'd ever been. She apparently continued enjoying herself for a while and then she was gone from my lap and I tucked myself away, wondering where the hell I was. I didn't recognise the room or the people in it and everything began to spin around me. Why the hell did I drink so much?

I guess I must have passed out at some point and when I came to it was dark. I was half lying on the couch and I could just make out some other guy sleeping on the floor close by. I rubbed my hands over my face, trying to remember what I'd been doing. Drinking...screwing...who the hell was that girl? I sat up slowly, my head pounding. I had to get out of there, sober up and get home. I felt like hell and I had the horrible feeling I put my dick in some random stranger without even a condom. Shuddering, I made my way outside, guessing from the darkness and lack of activity in the street that it must be the early hours of the morning. I waved down a cab and in minutes I was back at the apartment, making coffee and cursing myself for drinking so much that I became careless, that I'd even gone that far with her. I didn't know what Jacob was doing, not really. Maybe I got it all wrong.

My phone rang and I snatched it up, recognising the number he had called from before. What was he doing calling at four in the morning? Sitting at _Billy's_ bedside?

"Hello," I answered quietly.

"Tyler." He sounded relieved. "Where've you been? I must have called a dozen times."

"Sorry, I guess I was sleeping."

"I'm sorry I wasn't able to talk more before, I didn't even get chance to tell you..." He stopped and cleared his throat. "My Dad and my sister were in a car accident. Dad had a heart attack at the wheel. I thought I was going to...lose him. Um...he's ok, he woke up last night or yesterday some time, I can't remember. I haven't slept in a while. My sister...lost her baby...fuck..." His voice cracked and he stopped talking for a moment.

My mind was racing in a panic and I felt sick; sick with myself. He was in the hospital waiting for news on his Dad and his sister; his Dad - _Billy_ - woke up. I had been alternately crying and cursing him for not talking to me, for avoiding me, for maybe wanting to be with somebody else; I got so drunk I fucked someone I didn't know while he sat there praying he wouldn't lose his family.

"Oh, God," I groaned. "I'm so sorry, Jake. I'm so sorry." I meant I was sorry for what _I_ had done, but he wouldn't know that.

"They're going to be ok. I mean, Dad and Rachel are. I just...regardless of what I said, I wish you were here, Tyler. I need you; I love you. I should have said that before I left; I guess I thought it was too soon."

"Do you...want me to come over there?" I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut as burning tears filled them. He _loved _me. I had been longing to hear it and now I couldn't say it back because of what I'd done. Paul had done this to him and I'd had it done to me; I knew exactly how it felt; I'd ruined everything with my stupid over-active imagination and drinking. I couldn't wait and talk to him, find out what was really happening; all I'd been able to think about was me; how _I_ felt; how _I_ was the one suffering. As usual. I had to be the most heartless, selfish asshole I knew.

"Um...no...it's ok. Rachel's guy is here and some friends, Sam and Emily. I've known them since I was a kid and they're real close to Dad. He's going to be ok. Look, I need to go see him again and then I'm going back to the house to get a shower and something to eat. I'll call you then so we can talk properly."

"Sure...great...um...I'm so sorry," I said again, at a loss for words.

"Thanks. I'll call soon." He hung up and I stared numbly at the phone. He loved me and I had ruined everything.


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

**Jacob's POV**

I was a little surprised by Tyler's attitude over those few days. His coolness when I left hadn't really been unexpected - he didn't want me to go and I thought he would probably do the opposite of what he felt like doing, which would be to either beg or demand I didn't go. I hadn't imagined the way he had been all over me more than usual since I booked my ticket, but he said not a word, either about me going away or what he felt for me. Even when I eventually managed to call him from the hospital, my phone having been off for hours - or was it days - he had been cool when I expected demands as to why I hadn't been in touch. I had taken the opportunity to tell him I loved him, which I had almost done before I left New York, but held back out of fear it was still too soon. He hadn't responded and I had begun to wonder if I had just read everything wrong, or maybe my first instincts had been correct - he was still on the rebound, still unable to open himself up and now that I was away from him, he was having second thoughts about plunging so deeply into another relationship.

I lay on Dad's couch thinking about it. Even though I longed to be with Tyler, everything that happened with Dad and Rachel had kept my mind from worrying for myself. It was over a week since the accident and I had changed my flight home so that I could stay longer after speaking to my boss and checking he was ok with it. Tyler's response when I told him had been, of course I must stay when my family was hurt and needed me and he understood. He wished he could be with me, but he could wait and there was still no 'I love you'.

Dad and Rachel had both told me there was no need for me to stay on and certainly no room, but I didn't feel I could leave. Rachel had been released from hospital after two days, her leg in plaster from thigh to ankle, and spent most of her time in my room with Richard, crying for their lost child while I took Randy out and did my best to keep him entertained. Dad had been out of danger and expected to be released in another day or two. Now he was home in his old room, Randy was on the pull-out bed in my room with my sister and Richard and I was on the couch. Richard had extended leave from work and had returned home to collect more of their belongings so they could stay with Dad while Rachel's leg healed and I began to feel like a fifth wheel. I went out for groceries, made meals for everyone and played with Randy, but Richard could do that just as easily and Dad was now out of bed during the day, sitting in the lounge and able to read to Randy or play board games and so on. I hung on because I hated to leave them and I suppose a little part of me feared going back and finding out that the last few weeks spent with Tyler had been a waste.

"You alright, son?" Dad strolled slowly into the room and lowered himself into the armchair opposite me. It was probably about five o'clock; he had always risen early and he didn't bother to switch the light on.

"I'm ok," I said. "What about you?"

"I'm fine; it'll take a lot more than a flutter to get rid of me."

"Your heart might not have given up, but what if it happens again in the truck? You might not be so lucky."

"I won't be leaving the Reservation again on my own, at least not for a while," Dad said. "Charlie or Sam will come with me. You needn't worry, Jacob, I'll be fine. I'm even going to do what that damned doc tells me and give up the beer and fried food. I've got a lot of years left in me yet, I don't plan on cutting them short."

"Well, that's good to hear," I said in relief.

"Anything you want to talk about?" he asked then. "With everything that's happened, we haven't had any time to catch up really. You tell me about college on the phone often enough, but what about everything else? Friends..."

I sighed heavily. He was asking in his awkward, roundabout way if I was seeing anyone, not really wanting to hear the answer and I suddenly didn't know what to say. I could hardly tell him I was in love with someone who I wasn't sure felt the same.

"Um...well, I've been seeing somebody, but it's early days," I said.

"Does he have a name?"

"Tyler."

"Does he go to college with you?"

"Dad, you don't want to hear about this, do you?"

"Jacob, almost dying makes you realise what's important. I've always done my best to accept your life although I might not have liked it, but I know I made it difficult for you to talk to me. In the big scheme of things, it doesn't matter who you're with so long as they make you happy. I just want you to be happy, son."

"Thanks, Dad," I said in surprise. "Well...he's the same age as me, studying sociology, works in a book store his step-father owns. He has an eleven-year-old sister who's really bright and completely adorable. His Dad's a financier working in Wall Street. They hardly ever see each other, though, his Dad's kind of aloof."

"Doesn't he approve?"

"I doubt he knows. Tyler had an older brother who died a few years ago and since then his Dad virtually ignores his other two children."

"I'm sorry to hear that. It must have been heartbreaking for him to lose a son, but you can't turn your back on the rest of your family when something like that happens; the only way to move on is to pull them closer."

"Yeah, well Charles Hawkins doesn't seem to see it that way."

Dad grunted. "Name sounds familiar. I'm sure he's been in the news recently - something to do with a merger with some Japanese firm, I think."

"He's a big name in Wall Street," I agreed.

I chatted to Dad a little longer, somewhat amazed and hugely relieved at his change in attitude. I found myself telling him a little about what Tyler was like after all, although obviously I avoided telling him about his drinking, fighting and jumping straight from a cheating girlfriend to me, which would only worry him. Suddenly I was keen to get back to him and when Dad brought it up again, I acknowledged I should probably return to New York. Although I was helping, I was also in the way in Dad's small house and even when Richard took Rachel and Randy back to Tacoma, Dad wouldn't be alone too much. Several of the locals had visited and promised to be regular callers and helpers when needed.

I changed my flight again and Richard drove me to Port Angeles to get the bus to Seattle. It was early Friday and as I sat waiting in the airport I called Tyler from my cellphone, frowning as I waited for him to answer. I'd talked to him every day since we left the hospital and each time he'd sounded cool, but concerned; reserved and tense if I thought about it.

"Hey," he said in my ear a few seconds later.

"Tyler. I'm at the airport," I said. "They don't need me any more; in fact I'm in the way. I should be home late afternoon."

"Oh! Great...well...um...I'm going to work soon, but I'll be back before you."

"Are you ok?" I asked him now. "I've been so wrapped up in everything here, I guess I haven't really thought about you as much as I should have."

"I'm fine, I missed you, that's all."

He sounded sad and distant and my stomach turned over. Now I was on the way back and my mind wasn't tied up worrying about Dad and Rachel, I worried about Tyler instead. Was I losing him? Was he going to tell me when I got home that he realised he rushed things too much and he wanted to end it? I hadn't bothered to tell him I loved him again after that first time and now I sat waiting for my flight to be called, unsure whether to look forward to seeing him or to dread it.

It was a very long day and I finally got out of the cab outside the apartments at six-thirty. There had been delays and waiting on the tarmac in Seattle, then delays getting off the plane again and finding a cab. I was exhausted and my guts were in a knot as I let myself into the building and rode up to our floor in the elevator. My mouth went dry and my heart pounded unevenly as I walked in and found Tyler sitting on the couch in silence reading a book. As I closed the door behind me he dropped the book and jumped up.

I glanced around curiously, having expected at least some degree of untidiness and probably a table full of empty beer bottles, but the place was spotless and Tyler himself looked freshly scrubbed and was wearing what looked like a new shirt, although his face was pale and somewhat gaunt and he had shadows under his eyes. He came to me now and wrapped his arms around me. Had I been worrying about nothing?

"God, I missed you," I said.

I hugged him against me and his lips ghosted over mine before he turned his head aside and pressed his face into my neck. He was shivering, his fingers digging into me where he held on and I ran my hands down his back and then back up.

"Are you ok?"

He shook his head slightly and sucked in a shaky breath.

"What happened?" I pushed him away from me slightly to look at his face and saw tears spilling down his cheeks. "Tyler, what's wrong?"

"Fuck." He pulled away from me and sat back down at one end of the couch, scrubbing his hands over his face. "I got everything so wrong."

"What do you mean?" I sat down, my anxiety only increasing.

He choked out a sob and lowered his face into his hands and again I remembered how cool and distant he had been since I left and wondered if he had second thoughts while I was gone, but his next words denied that.

"I...love you...so much...I couldn't say it when you were away. I..." He wiped his face with his sleeve and sniffed hard.

"I love you too, Tyler," I said.

"I know. And I fucked up."

"What are you talking about?"

"I didn't want you to go; I hated you leaving me, but I tried to act cool like it didn't matter. I thought you'd think I was being some pathetic clingy jerk and you'd be glad to get away from me."

"I wouldn't have thought that," I put in.

"Yeah, well, I thought you would. Then all these stupid things happened which now I can see _why _they happened and mostly it was just lousy timing and I got all these fucked up thoughts in my head like, you were glad to be away from me, like you had second thoughts and wished you hadn't landed yourself with me and all my shit and your phone was off and when you called from the hospital some guy interrupted and said 'Billy woke up' and I thought..."

He paused for breath and I remembered the brief conversation with Richard, following which I had ended the call to Tyler quickly.

"Billy's my Dad," I said needlessly.

"I know that _now..._but you know what a fucking idiot I am, I thought maybe it was some guy you had a...a thing with and you sounded so excited that he woke up..."

Tears spilled down his face again and I shifted closer to him and reached out to pull him into my arms, but he resisted.

"Don't...there's more. I considered not telling you for about five minutes, but I don't lie and I don't...cheat..."

Alarm bells began to ring in my head and my heart hammered frantically against my ribs.

"What did you do?" I whispered.

"I drank...a lot...and I guess I passed out. Then later or the next day...I can't remember...there was no beer left and I went to this bar me and Aidan used to hang out in. I know the bartender and I guess I looked pretty shitty; he left me the bottle..."

"Can you get to the point?" I interrupted. Suddenly I knew what he was going to say. He was drunk, he fooled around, despite knowing what it felt like to be on the receiving end and despite knowing someone had already done that to me. It was written all over his face.

"I met a bunch of people I kind of vaguely knew and we went to some apartment where one of the guys lived. I could use the excuse that I was so drunk I didn't know what I was doing and that's kind of true, but you know...I wasn't so far gone I couldn't have stopped it. I just thought...I was losing you..."

"Fuck, Tyler, just tell me!" I exclaimed.

"I fucked someone else."

"Who?"

"A girl."

I squeezed my eyes shut and ground my teeth together as his words sank in. I could almost envision him sticking his hand into my chest, grabbing hold of my heart and ripping a piece of it away. Why the fuck did I let him in? It was obvious from the start he was a mess and on the rebound, but still I had to get involved, let my guard down, let him get close to me and now I got what I had at first expected.

"I'm sorry."

My eyes snapped open again.

"I guess that makes it alright then."

"Jake..."

"You know what the sad thing is, Tyler?" I pushed myself up off of the couch and stood over him. "I expected this! I got involved with you against my better judgement. You were on the rebound, Ally just kicked you in the teeth - your first relationship - and you'd never been with a guy, not really. I kept telling myself over and over I was making a mistake, it wouldn't work, you'd regret it and I'd get hurt and here I am listening to you tell me I was right all along!"

"But you're not..." Tyler jumped to his feet. "You're not right. I mean, I didn't make a mistake, with you, I _love_ you, I just fucked up because I thought you didn't feel the same. You are the best thing that ever happened to me; I was even getting better, dealing with everything else better, because of you..."

"Until you fucked someone else," I put in bitterly. "I don't know if the fact that it was a girl makes it worse or not. Did you miss pussy, Tyler? Is that it?"

"No! I don't even remember her name, she could have been anybody."

"That doesn't make things better. It just shows how little you care about anything; how misplaced my trust in you was."

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I deserve everything you're thinking about me right now. I hate myself and I don't expect you to forgive me."

"How many times did you do it?" I asked him.

"Once!"

"Are you sure you haven't been screwing a different girl every night while I've been gone?"

"It was once and then the next day you said you loved me and I realised just how badly I messed up."

"I guess that explains why you've been weird every time I spoke to you," I sighed.

"I didn't know what to say."

"Right now, I don't know what to say."

"Do you want me to leave?"

"I don't care what you do at this moment. I'm worn out, but I don't want to be here right now. I'm going to Jasper's."

It was a spur of the moment decision and I knew full well Jasper would be full of 'I told you so' and cursing Tyler to hell and back, but I didn't want to be alone either. I turned and walked out, closing the door quietly behind me. I walked the short distance to my friend's apartment and was relieved to find that Alice wasn't with him.

"How's your Dad?" he asked me as I dropped onto his couch.

"Much better and my sister's getting on ok."

"You look shattered."

"Yeah." I opened my mouth to elaborate and burst into tears instead.

"Fuck...Jake, what the hell happened?" Jasper said, sounding horrified and awkward at the same time. He sat down gingerly on the cushion next to me and patted my shoulder as I struggled to control myself.

"Sorry." I wiped my face on my shirt a few minutes later.

"So? Is this about Tyler?" Jasper asked.

"Why would you say that?"

"Because you said your Dad and your sister are fine; you just got home and I thought you would have been keen to...um...catch up with him."

"It's over," I said shortly.

"What did he do?"

"Don't even think about saying 'I told you so', Jas; I already told myself a hundred times this would happen, but I still got involved with him. He screwed around."

"Fucking cheating piece of shit!" Jasper spat. "How'd you find out?"

"He told me. Honesty is about the only thing he has going for him."

"Yeah, well how honest was he being when he was fucking someone else? Did you kick him out?"

"Not yet."

"Well, I hope you're going to. I know how much shit you took from him already; you're not going to just let this go, are you?" growled Jasper.

"No, I'm not. Like I said, it's over. I just couldn't face any more tonight. If he's still there tomorrow, I'll tell him to leave. Can I stay here?"

"Sure...of course. Alice is staying over at some friend's house."

"Thanks."

We didn't talk much for the rest of the evening. I didn't feel like eating, so Jasper made grilled cheese for himself and put a movie on. He'd had to deal with me after my break-up with Paul too and knew I would want to wallow in self-pity after my initial outburst. His silent company was more of a comfort than if he insisted on talking.

I slept on the couch, expecting to simply lie there thinking, but exhaustion from the long, tense day claimed me as soon as my head hit the pillow and I didn't wake until I heard Jasper making coffee. I hauled myself up, my head pounding and my heart aching. I would have to go back to the apartment and decided to get it over as soon as possible.

"You want me to come back with you?" Jasper offered, his jaw stiff.

"No, it's ok."

"Well, if you want some help kicking the shit out of him, give me a call."

I walked back slowly, trying to decide what I would say to Tyler when I got there. Part of me hoped he would have just packed up and gone and I wouldn't need to say anything, while one stupid part that remembered being in his arms hoped he would still be there, begging me to forgive him and let him make it up to me.

I opened the door to silence, but it was clear that he hadn't left - his shoes were next to the couch and I could see one of his shirts and his journal on the bed through the open door. His phone and keys were on the coffee table.

"Tyler?"

The bathroom door was closed and I guessed he must be in there. I paced about for ten minutes as I waited for him to come out, but I couldn't hear the shower or anything else and eventually I went to the door and knocked loudly.

"Tyler!"

I turned the handle and discovered the door was locked and my anxiety about having to deal with this began to turn to annoyance.

"What are you doing in there?"

He didn't answer, but I heard a faint groan and held my breath. What the fuck was he doing?

"Tyler! Open the door!"

Still nothing and despite my irritation, I began to worry. I took a step back and slammed my shoulder against the door above the lock, breaking it easily. The door flew back and crashed into the wall.

"Jesus Christ!" I muttered.

Damn Tyler and his fucking screwed up head and damn me for interfering that night in the bar and ending up with all of this. My heart pounded in fear and I dropped to my knees, grabbing two small towels from the rail to wrap around his wrists. There was so much blood it was almost a lake on the tiles around him. His face was colourless, lips blue, but he was conscious.

"You fucking jerk!" I choked, pulling my phone out to call an ambulance. "You're not gonna fucking die on me!"

"I'm...sorry..." he said so quietly I could barely hear it.

I continued to curse him until I heard the siren outside and then I jumped up quickly to let the paramedics in. I washed the blood off of my hands as the guys hooked up a drip and strapped Tyler to a stretcher and then followed them out into the elevator.

Damn him to hell. I wanted to just tell them to take him away and put it out of my mind, but I couldn't do it. I needed to know he would be ok and despite what he had done, it was _me_ who felt guilty. All I could think was that he did it on purpose for attention or in some fucked up attempt to hang onto me and I was both seething with anger and desperately upset. I sat in the back of the ambulance cursing silently as I watched the paramedic bandage his wrists tightly to stem any further bleeding while the other man drove to the hospital.

Predictably, I was asked a series of questions - his name, age, when I thought it happened, _why_ I thought it happened.

"I don't fucking know," I sighed. "He's a mess. His brother committed suicide a few years ago; he never got over it properly. I've been away almost two weeks visiting family and when I came back, he told me he cheated."

"So you broke up?"

"Yeah."

This was reported back to the doctor who took charge of Tyler when we arrived at the hospital and again I was asked more questions while the woman deftly began stitching him up.

"I'm not sticking around!" I snapped in the end. "I can't deal with this right now, after everything he did!"

"Is there someone else we can call?" a nurse asked, frowning at me as if I were the most callous individual she'd met.

"I'll call his family," I said, glancing towards the bed where Tyler lay, hooked up to a drip and a blood transfusion, unmoving. Part of me wanted to go over there and shake him and call him every name I could think of and the other part wanted to wrap my arms around and tell him I wasn't going anywhere. I pulled my phone out and walked away to the reception area, scrolling through my contacts.

I couldn't call Diane and Caroline; it would upset them too much, seeing him like this. Obviously they would have to know, but later, when he could do that himself. I found a payphone with a Yellow Pages and looked up Charles Hawkins. Tyler would hate it, but that was too bad. Minutes later I was asking his father's secretary to put me through to the man, while she fobbed me off by saying he was in a meeting.

"Well, he might want to come out of his meeting; his son's in the hospital," I said.

"Tyler? Is he alright?" the woman gasped.

"Uh...yeah...but I need to speak to his father."

"Hold on, please."

Seconds later I was connected to Mr Hawkins.

"Jacob Black? What happened?" he asked.

"He cut his wrists," I said without preamble and heard a sharp intake of breath. "I'm sorry," I added.

"I'll be right there. Will you wait?"

"Yes."

"Thank you." He hung up and I returned to sit by Tyler's bed while I waited. The doctor had left him now and he lay silently with his head turned away. I stayed silent too, lost in thought and unable to think of a thing to say.


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

**Tyler's POV**

I guess I must have passed out some time between Jacob finding me and getting to the hospital. I had been up all night, cursing myself for fucking up so badly, convincing myself that he would never forgive me and feeling more worthless than I ever had before. I couldn't see any way to move on from everything; I knew I'd lost the one person who actually cared about me and that was unbearable. I didn't remember if it was a conscious decision to end my life or a spur of the moment desperate and stupid act that I already regretted. I felt like there was no hope for me any more and then the razor blade was in my hand and then I was dizzy and cold and thinking about Michael. Suddenly I understood - really understood how he could have done what he did and the hell with everybody else.

Jacob told me once that there had been a suicide in his family and he learned that in that moment, you don't think about who you might hurt, who you're leaving behind, only your own pain. I was wallowing in it and I had done exactly that. I hadn't thought about my family; not even Caroline who had already lost one big brother, and now on top of everything else I'd already done to Jake, he'd had to find me like that. He was sitting next to the bed I lay on while they pumped blood and saline into me and I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes. I didn't want to see the look of pity or disgust that must be on his face and I had no words to express how I felt. I could have thrown myself at his feet begging forgiveness and it would never be enough.

I lay in silence, trying to pretend to be asleep, my breathing ragged and giving me away, but Jacob didn't move or say a word until eventually I heard the unwelcome authoritarian voice of my father demanding to know where I was and then Jacob jumped up and walked away quickly. I couldn't hear what they said, but within fifteen minutes I was on the move, two porters shifting me quickly onto a trolley and wheeling me, drips and all, out of the ER to a private room.

I opened my eyes a fraction after they put me on the bed and saw a large TV mounted on the wall in front of me. I was still wearing the jeans I'd had on earlier, stained gruesomely with my own blood, my upper half covered with a blue and white hospital gown. A nurse came in and attached the wires of a heart monitor to the pads they had stuck to my chest and asked how I was feeling; I didn't answer. She walked away, leaving the door open and immediately I heard brisk footsteps coming back in and the door clicking closed.

"Tyler." I heard him sit down on a chair next to the bed and sigh heavily. "What were you thinking?"

_'I wasn't,'_I thought.

"Are you going to tell me what's been going on?"

"What do you care?" I grunted, despite my determination to stay quiet. I opened my eyes with a sigh and glanced sideways. He was wearing one of his five thousand dollar suits, silk shirt and tie like he'd just come from a meeting. He didn't answer right away and I turned on my side with my back to him and stared out of the window at the grey sky. Of all the people Jacob had to call, it would be him; but who else was there? I shuddered at the thought of Mom and Caroline being told about this.

"Why, Tyler? Why would you do this?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Well, you're going to have to at some point."

"Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be in a meeting?" I mumbled.

"I should be, yes. Your room mate called me; Jacob."

"My room mate? Is that what he said he was?"

"Well, isn't he?"

"He's...he was my lover," I said through my teeth and immediately wondered why I said that. It was as if even now, subconsciously I wanted to try to piss him off.

"Tyler, if you're trying to annoy me, or shock me, you're failing. Your preferences are your own business. If he makes you happy, then that's your choice."

I rolled over and glared at him.

"Do I look happy to you? Huh? Do I?" I cried.

"Are you going to tell me what happened, or am I to call your mother?" he frowned.

"He doesn't want me any more," I blurted out. "That's what happened. As usual, it's my fault. I fucked up; just one more fuck up in a long line of them. I fucked someone else." I quickly noticed a distinct look of discomfort on his face. It was pretty easy to make my father uncomfortable. Anything that didn't involve work made him uncomfortable.

"Of course, you know how that feels, don't you?" I continued with a sneer, referring to Mom and Les. "Not nice, is it? And yes, I've been on the receiving end too. Remember Ally? And my friend Aidan? They just couldn't wait to get it on behind my back."

"Tyler, none of that is any reason to do...this. You could have talked to someone..."

"Who? _You? _You'd have put work aside to listen to me talk about how I fucked a girl behind my boyfriend's back and ruined the one thing that's actually been good for me? Yeah, _Dad,_you could have easily fixed it for me, just throw a few hundred dollars at me and everything'll be sweet again!"

"There's no need to shout..."

"Why? Worried about someone finding out that the great Charles Hawkins' has a son who's a complete failure?" I spat.

"Just calm down. I'm going to speak to your doctor and then we'll figure out what we're going to do."

"You mean _you'll_figure out what _I'm _going to do," I muttered. "No, thanks."

He left the room without answering me and I clenched my fists, then relaxed them immediately as pain shot through my wrists. My heart was pounding, the monitor next to me bleeping irritatingly and the nurse came back quickly, checking me and telling me I needed to rest and stay calm.

"Keep my damned father out of here, then!" I growled at her.

She left me alone and I watched the clock on the wall as the hands slowly crawled around. Two different nurses checked on me regularly and I supposed they must have been instructed to keep coming back to make sure I wasn't trying to finish myself off. Then suddenly Jacob appeared again with my bookbag over his shoulder and I almost stopped breathing.

"Jake?"

"Your father asked me to bring a change of clothes for you," he said, placing the bag on the chair. "Your journal's in there too, I figured you might want it."

"Thanks." I licked my dry lips and avoided his eyes. "I...I don't know what to say to you. Sorry isn't enough."

"No...it isn't." He shifted the bag onto the floor and sat down, his eyes averted.

"I didn't do it on purpose, if that's what you think," I said quietly. "To make you feel sorry for me or whatever. I just...I didn't think about anybody else and I feel sick...ashamed. I'm sorry you had to deal with that and I don't expect you to be able to forgive me...for any of it."

It was killing me to say that; I wanted to reach out and touch him, beg him to give me another chance, even if it was only as friends, but now I _was_thinking properly and I knew the only decent thing I could do was leave him alone.

"I'll...um...I'll find somewhere else to live when I get out of here," I said.

Jacob nodded slowly. "You need to talk to somebody; I mean, a professional. I thought I could help you, but..."

"You did," I interrupted. "I was dealing with everything else better than I had in years, being with you."

"No, you weren't, Tyler." He sighed heavily. "You lost Michael and then your Dad pulled away and Ally and Aidan hurt you and you think everyone else is going to leave you. It wouldn't have mattered what I did. I could see it, in how clingy you were, like you were scared you'd lose me and I think you were trying to use me to replace everybody else. I guess I chose to ignore the reason for it. I thought you'd be ok if I proved I wasn't going anywhere."

"You should be a shrink," I choked out and remembered thinking or saying that before.

"Promise me you'll see somebody?"

"Yeah. Ok. I will." I rubbed my hands over my wet cheeks, grimacing at the sight of the thick white bandages. I squeezed my eyes shut, struggling to pull myself together and failing. I could hear myself sobbing and then someone touched my shoulder comfortingly. I looked up, blinking rapidly and discovered that it was only a nurse; Jacob was gone.

It was another hour before my father came back in and by then I'd been checked several more times and the empty transfusion bags removed. I was considering my living arrangements and wondering how easy it would be to hide what I'd done to myself from Mom and Caroline if I went to stay with them. Caroline was extremely observant and would notice something within minutes of me being in the house. Even if I kept my wrists covered, she would see my heartbreak.

"Tyler, the doctor wants to keep you here for the rest of the day for observation," my father said. "They should release you tonight and then you're coming to stay with me."

"No, I'm not," I responded at once.

"You are; it's not up for discussion. If you want to go and live with your mother in a week or so, that's fine, but you're not going there like this and upsetting your sister. I've arranged for Jacob to pack up your things and send them to the apartment in my car and I've booked you in with a psychiatrist every morning for the foreseeable..."

"For fuck's sake!" I growled. "I'm not..."

"For once, you will do as you're told. Do you think I want to lose another son? Do you think your mother and Caroline want to go through this again? You may think you're the only one hurting here, Tyler, but I can assure you, you're not. If you don't like the arrangement, then I'm afraid it's too bad."

"What is the point in me staying with you?" I asked. "You're never there! What are you doing to do? Pay your housekeeper extra to babysit me?"

"I _will _be there," he said firmly. "I can work from home temporarily."

I was stunned. He would put work aside to keep an eye on me? Then again, he probably didn't want me on his conscience. I couldn't believe it was because he might want me there; might even care what happened to me. I made him feel guilty and reminded him of Michael; that was all.

He left me alone then and I spent most of the remainder of the day lying there in silence except when one of the nurses came in to check on me. I ignored all of them until finally the doctor signed me off, pointing out that I was only being released so early because my father would be keeping a close eye on me and ensuring I got proper help. Then he appeared again and took me back to his apartment. My bike was in the hallway and the case and a box containing the rest of my belongings in the large guest bedroom. I didn't speak to him and stubbornly remained in the room for thirty-six hours, refusing to eat anything the housekeeper brought to me and refusing to communicate. I had nothing to say to my father and the pain I was in over Jacob was mirrored by the stabbing pain in my wrists. I hadn't taken the meds the hospital had given me either, reasoning my discomfort was only what I deserved. I considered helping myself to a bottle from my father's drinks cabinet, but decided against that too. It would only blot things out temporarily and it would all still be waiting for me when I sobered up.

Early Monday morning, I finally got around to opening up my case and unpacking things and taking the journal out of my bag. I hadn't talked to Michael about any of this and suddenly I was keen to; he was the one person who wouldn't condemn me. I wrote pages, laboriously and with many pauses as my wrist burned and ached, beginning by joking that I had almost joined him and then pouring out how I felt about Jacob, how I'd betrayed him, ruined what we had and thrown everything back in his face, then finished up by letting him find me half dead in a puddle of blood.

_'I don't expect him to forgive me,'_I wrote. _'I went too far, with everything. Finally, though, I can understand. I understand how you felt, how you couldn't talk to us, how you didn't think about us at the end. I always felt like you abandoned me and that you did it despite how I would feel about it. I was angry, I even hated you for it because I didn't get it. Now I do get it; you were lost and couldn't see any way out of the place you were in, and I'm sorry. I don't know if you're even still there, if you're getting any of this. Caroline once asked me what I would say to you if I knew for sure you were listening and I didn't have an answer, but now I do. I would say I love you. God, I miss you. And I forgive you. I hope you can forgive me.'_

I put my pen down and scrubbed my arm across my eyes, my shirt sleeve soaking up my tears. I always seemed to be fucking crying lately and mostly I only had myself to blame.

"Tyler!" My father knocked sharply on the door. "It's time to go to your appointment."

"Fuck," I muttered. Just what I needed; talking about all my crap with some stranger. I closed the book and hid it under my pillow, shoved my feet into a pair of sneakers and opened the door.

The shrink's office was a five-minute ride away in the car and my father insisted on coming with me and sitting in the outer office while I saw her as if he thought I wouldn't go if he didn't escort me there, which I probably wouldn't have done. I slouched into the office, scowling and looking at the woman seated in one of the armchairs. The room was more like a lounge than an office and she was smartly but casually dressed in slacks and a shirt, untucked and with the sleeves rolled up. She looked to be about my parents' age and introduced herself as Dr Esme Cullen - I was to call her Esme. I grunted and sat down in another of the chairs without waiting to be invited.

The hour passed and I managed not to say anything. She didn't prompt me or ask questions and I simply sat and fidgeted and gazed around the room. She made me tea, asked how I was feeling and then sat there looking pleasant and expectant while I got progressively more uncomfortable and felt like I should say something. Five minutes before the end of the session I finally did.

"Aren't you supposed to ask me stuff?" I blurted.

"Is that what you want me to do?"

"No...I..." I frowned, unsure. "Don't you have, like, a questionnaire or something stupid?"

She spread out her hands to remind me that they were empty. "Tyler, the idea is for you to talk, if you want to, about anything you like."

"What if I don't want to?"

"That's up to you. I'm not here to give you the third degree or judge you. I'm someone you can trust if you have things you want to discuss..."

"Don't tell me you're not going to go running back to my father with details of everything I say," I said sulkily. "What's he paying you? Five hundred an hour? More?"

"Anything you say to me is confidential, Tyler," she said with a smile. "Your father only wants you to get well. I'm not obliged to tell him anything; only that you're making progress or you're not."

"Well, he must have told you _why_I'm here," I grunted.

"Yes, he did, but the point of these sessions is for you to tell me why you think you're here; what brought you to your lowest point and how you can move on from it."

"I thought you were supposed to tell me that."

"No, I just guide you in the right direction to decide for yourself."

"Oh."

"Perhaps you could spend some time thinking about that before tomorrow and then if you have anything you want to discuss, we can start with that."

"I guess."

Esme stood up and opened the door for me. "Goodbye, Tyler. I'll see you in the morning."

"Well? How did it go?" my father asked as we travelled back to the apartment.

"Isn't it supposed to be confidential?"

"Fair enough."

The rest of the day crawled by. I lay in my room watching TV and Dad worked in the lounge, after having called my mother and Les to say I was sick and wouldn't be at the book store for a few days. He suggested my mother come to visit me that evening and she turned up, anxiously demanding to know what I was doing at my father's apartment. I listened to their raised voices through my closed door, dreading the moment she would come in and talk to me. I felt wretched and having to sit and watch my mother cry over what I'd done made things even worse.

"Would you rather come home to us?" she asked eventually.

"I'd rather be anywhere than here," I said. "But I don't want Caroline to see the state of me. I'll come home in a week or two." That was one thing Dad had been right about; at least hidden away in his apartment I didn't have to face anybody or risk upsetting Caroline.

Mom didn't mention Jacob and I guessed Dad must have told her what had happened there. I would have to think up some explanation to give my sister about the fact that I was no longer with him and it was just something else for me to dread. After that she called me at least twice a day and also called Dad daily throughout my stay with him.

Each day I went back to see Esme Cullen at the same time as before and by the end of the week I had told her that Ally and Aidan cheated on me and that I had messed up my relationship with Jacob by plunging into it too early, clinging to him and then being unfaithful myself, but despite her prompts, I hadn't progressed to talking about my family. I was convinced that anything I said about my father would get back to him - money talked after all - and I figured telling Michael how I felt was all well and good, but telling a stranger I had only just managed to forgive him after six years wasn't on.

I longed to see Jacob and I knew my Dad spoke to him once that week, but he hadn't called me or sent a text and I didn't blame him one bit. He probably wanted to avoid me until he was forced into my presence by college and as much as I ached to hear his voice, I couldn't bring myself to contact him for fear of him telling me to go to hell. I figured he only talked to my Dad to ensure I was still alive so he didn't have to feel guilty. I knew he was a lot more caring than that, but by now, surely I had exhausted all of my chances with him and he merely wanted to forget me.

Things with my Dad were strained at best. He didn't know how to treat me and in return I had no clue what to say to him. I felt as if I were a burden he had taken on because there was no one else to do it and I couldn't wait to get out of there. At least he didn't persist in escorting me to my appointments with Esme Cullen and merely asked his driver to take me there.

The following Monday I returned to the hospital to get my stitches out and my meeting with Esme was therefore an hour later than usual. My Dad's driver had left me at the hospital and I was to make my way to the doc's by subway. I was a little earlier than I expected and was surprised to see the black Mercedes waiting outside the building. I grumbled under my breath, figuring the driver had been sent there to wait for me, to make sure I didn't skip the appointment. However, as I crossed the street towards the building, I saw my father jog outside and get into the car before it moved away from the kerb quickly. What the hell had he been doing in there? Trying to find out what I said to Esme?

By the time I reached her office, my fists were clenched and I was breathing hard with temper. I paced around the outer office until I was invited in and then paced some more inside.

"Tyler, why don't you sit down and relax?" Esme said.

"I don't want to sit down. What was my father doing here?"

"He came to see me."

"About? I thought what I said to you was confidential."

"It is, Tyler, please sit down," she repeated calmly.

"So, what did he want?" I dropped into my usual chair and folded my arms.

"Your father had an appointment with me this morning; he's given me leave to tell you this. He's been seeing me twice a week..."

My mouth dropped open. "Why?"

"For some of the same reasons you are here; to confront his demons, if you like. To move on from what happened to your brother and to learn how to be a better father to you."

"You're kidding me," I gasped.

"No. So how does that make you feel?"

"Um...I don't know...kind of shocked."

"You don't think your father cares about you?"

"I..." It was my instinct to just say no, but I found I wasn't so sure any more. Suddenly I felt a slight glimmer of hope that maybe something could be salvaged out of the last six years if only I could face it instead of running away.


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

**Jacob's POV**

The past couple of weeks had been hell. After I packed up all of Tyler's things to send over to his father's and cleaned up the bathroom, there was no sign he had ever been there - except when I went to bed and my pillow and the sheets smelled of him. That first night I had gotten up again to throw the bedding in the laundry and then slept on the couch instead; or made a pretense of sleeping. I felt everything my Dad had felt over Stella and what Tyler had said he felt over Michael. When I eventually did sleep, it was fitful and I woke with the cushion under my head damp from my tears.

I was furious and hurt and sickened by everything that had happened, even though I could understand it. It tormented me constantly, at work, at home and in my sleep. The fact that Tyler had tried to take his own life far overshadowed his drunken episode with the unknown girl and I could almost forget about that. He had hurt me, betrayed me, knowing how it felt after Ally had done that to him and knowing Paul had cheated on me too, and I knew I wouldn't find it easy to trust him again, if I ever could, but finding him almost dead had been far worse. I was angry that he had done that in my bathroom, knowing I would be the one to find him, not caring how I would feel, but my own words to him came to mind - that you don't think about who you might hurt when you're in that position. It was just hard for me to accept and I could see why Tyler hadn't managed to forgive Michael in six years. Every time I walked in the bathroom an image of him lying there filled my mind and shocked me all over again.

Despite everything, I longed to see him. I wanted to make sure he was ok; I wanted to ask him why he did it, even though I knew the answer and I wanted to tell him how angry I was, but none of that was going to do me or him any good. I succumbed after three days and called his father, wanting to at least be sure he was getting the help he needed and the man confirmed he was attending his therapy sessions and would continue to do that for the foreseeable future. It was a small relief for me - I still wanted to hear his voice, but I wouldn't let myself call him or even send a message and he made no attempt to contact me. Part of me hoped he would at least text me and despite everything he was dealing with, I wondered where we would go from here. I wanted to believe he loved me, even though his head was probably too much of a mess to figure out what he felt about anybody, but even if I knew for sure how he felt, I didn't know if I'd be able to go back.

As much as I wanted to be with him, I didn't see how we could salvage anything from the disaster that had been one of the shortest relationships in history. Most of what we were had been based around Tyler's pain over Michael and his Dad and Ally, and it had only gone as far as it had because of my inability to keep my distance and just be a friend to him. He had come home in tears after a confrontation with his father, clearly a complete mess and I'd used that opportunity to get my hands on him. We hadn't even had the opportunity to get to know each other properly or go on dates - we had gone from being acquaintances to lovers in hardly any time at all.

I hauled myself off of the couch and began to make efforts to tidy up the apartment. I hadn't bothered to do much in the way of housework since everything happened and the place was a mess. Jasper had been over several times to hang out with me and try to get me to talk, assuming I was upset because of Tyler cheating. I hadn't told him he'd attempted suicide, only that he had gone to live with his father and that I'd had no contact with him. Jasper and Alice and the other guy, Emmett, had done their best to get me to go out, even just to the movies, but I had so far thrown off their attempts to pull me out of my misery. Jasper had called just an hour ago to ask me to go over to his place, but again I declined, using the housework as an excuse.

I tidied, cleaned, did laundry and finally the apartment was back to the way I liked it, except that the cupboards and refrigerator were almost bare. I seemed to have survived on pizza and burgers for almost two weeks and I finally set foot outside other than to go to work, and stocked up on groceries. When I returned an hour later, I was shocked to find Caroline standing outside the building, chewing her lip worriedly as she apparently waited for me.

"Caroline! What are you doing here? Does your Mom know you're here?" I asked as I opened the door.

"No, I'm supposed to be at a friend's. Can I talk to you, please?"

"Of course you can."

I knew she had to be here about Tyler and as we rode up in the elevator, I wondered what I could possibly say to her. Had she even talked to Tyler in the last two weeks? I dumped the groceries in the kitchen and invited her to sit on the couch.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" I asked.

"Tyler. You broke up," she stated.

"Uh...yes."

"Have you talked to him at all?"

"Not since...not for a couple of weeks."

"He moved back home with us," she revealed. "He stayed with Dad for a while, but he came home Friday. He won't say what happened. He looks so sad all the time and he hardly talks. Why did you break up? You didn't...do anything, did you?"

"No, I didn't." What the hell should I say to her? "Um...it was just too soon after Ally, that's all. He wasn't ready for another relationship."

"Oh. He's seeing a...um...psych...you know, a doctor."

"A psychiatrist. I know, it's just to help him sort out how he feels about things," I said.

"You mean like Michael?"

"Yes."

"And Dad?"

"Yeah, him too," I nodded.

"He hurt himself." She had been staring down at her hands up to now, but suddenly she looked up and met my eyes. "He thinks I don't know, but I saw the scars."

I had no idea how to answer. She was eleven years old and maybe when Michael died she had been too young to take everything in, but now she wasn't and knowing Tyler had wanted to die must have horrified her.

"Did you know?" she prompted.

"Yes, I knew. Caroline, have you spoken to your Mom about this?"

"I tried and she said to not worry about it because he's fine now. He's _not_ fine and I _am _worried. What if he does it again?"

"I'm pretty sure he won't," I said firmly. "His doctor's helping him. He has a lot of things to figure out, but he'll be ok."

"Don't you want to see him any more?"

"Yes, of course I do, but right now he needs to get better and being around me won't be good for him. He needs to put himself first for a while. Caroline, try not to worry, ok? I know I'm just saying what your Mom said, but I really think he'll be alright." I had no way of knowing if what I said was true, but what else could I say to her? Your brother's completely fucked up and I don't know if I want to even see him again?

"Ok, I'll try. I guess...I better go." She stood up slowly. "I know Tyler loves you. I hope you get back together."

I sighed heavily and my heart fluttered. I did still love him and I ached to see him. Talking to Caroline hadn't helped my resolve to stay away from him and now she only made things worse.

"Do you think you could...take me home? I didn't like being on the subway by myself."

"Sure, of course I will," I said at once.

I would just escort her to the door I decided, as my pulse quickened at the thought that I might see him. I wasn't ready to see him; I was still angry, still hurt, still missing him horribly. I kept telling myself that as we travelled the short journey back to Les and Diane's house and walked across the street from the subway station. My heart hammered against my ribs and I had to force myself not to look up at the windows to see if Tyler was there. I immediately declined when Caroline asked if I wanted to go in and say hello.

"I better get back, I have some stuff to do," I said.

Her face fell, but she nodded and climbed the steps to the door, just as it opened to reveal Tyler. He was wearing cargo pants and an open shirt with a tee underneath, his face stubbly with maybe a week's growth. He looked as if he wasn't sleeping or eating well, his pants hanging low on his hips as if they were too big for him, revealing a narrow strip of pale flesh between the waistband and the rumpled t-shirt.

"Maestro, where've you been? I thought you were at a friend's?" he said, looking at me with some surprise.

"I was." She glanced back at me over her shoulder.

"You went to Jacob's? On your own?"

"It's fine," I put in. "She's fine."

Caroline gave me a small smile and disappeared into the house. Tyler hesitated for a moment and then came outside and closed the door.

"What did she say to you?"

"She's worried about you." I looked up at him again, wondering if I should go up the steps to speak to him or stay where I was. I tried to think of an excuse to take off, but couldn't come up with one. My heart was racing faster than ever and I was filled with hurt and sorrow and nervousness. I could see him lying on my bathroom floor covered in blood; I could imagine him fucking some faceless girl while I sat in Forks Hospital waiting for news of Dad and my sister, and I _still_ wanted to go to him and wrap my arms around him. He appeared almost fragile as he stood there holding onto the railing to the side of the steps.

"'I'm ok." His eyes darted about and avoided mine.

"She saw your scars," I ventured.

"Fuck." His eyes slid to my face and then lowered as his brows drew together in a grimace. He yanked his cuffs down over his hands and folded his arms. "What did you say?"

"Just that I thought you'd be ok; that you were getting help."

"Thanks."

"Are you ok? Really?"

"I will be."

"Good. I better go." I backed away a few steps.

"Jacob...can I...um...talk to you for a minute? Please?"

"Uh...I guess," I said warily.

He headed slowly down the steps and sat down on the third one from the bottom, resting his elbows on his knees. For a moment I didn't move and then I sat on the step too, a couple of feet away from him. I had worried this would happen, as soon as Caroline asked me to bring her home, and I didn't know what to say to him or how to behave.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry," he began. "I know it probably doesn't mean much, after everything I put you through. I know you most likely hate me right now..."

"I don't," I interrupted. "But I'm not sure I want to talk about this yet."

"You don't have to say anything. I know how it feels, remember? All of it. I don't know if you'll ever be able to forgive me; I'm finding it pretty hard to forgive myself. I only just got around to forgiving Michael, I guess because I understand now what he was going through. I'm not making any excuses; I fucked up, repeatedly, but I want you to know that I'm sorry for hurting you. I do...love you, that was always real, I just...I wasn't ready to be with you."

I glanced sideways at him and noticed a couple of tears drip from his face to the step between his feet. I clenched my fists and trapped them between my knees to prevent instinct making me reach out to him. Tyler brushed a hand over his eyes and shot a quick look at me before lowering his head again.

"You can say what you want to me," he said. "I'd rather hear it than just imagine."

"I can say what I want?" I pushed myself to my feet quickly. "I don't feel like I can say anything. _You_ hurt _me_, but I feel like I should tread on eggshells..."

"Don't. I'll deal with it. I'm not gonna do anything else stupid. I probably deserve a lot worse than anything you could say."

"I'm pissed," I said and paused to take a deep breath. I wasn't sure I could put into words how I felt, but I made an attempt at it. "I'm pissed at you for putting me in that position and you know that. The thing with the girl...that fucking hurt, but I guess I can see why...not that it makes it any better. But what you did to yourself...I know you weren't thinking, but I keep asking myself if you intended for me to find you, before it was too late and that just makes me more angry."

"I didn't think about it. I didn't think about anything, except how much I hurt."

"I feel guilty too," I went on. "And that makes me mad as hell. I feel guilty that you did that and guilty that I couldn't help you; and also that I didn't stick around."

"You did help me." Tyler got to his feet slowly, wrapping his arms around himself as if he were cold. "You did more for me than anyone else; you made me feel like I was worth something. I might have been too screwed up to appreciate it properly and maybe I used it in the wrong way, but don't feel guilty because of things I did. I know that's easier said than done."

"Yeah...it is," I grunted.

"You don't owe me anything, Jacob. I want more than anything to be with you, but I know that's pretty unlikely now."

"I don't know if I could ever trust you again." I dragged a hand through my hair. "I didn't want to do this now, you know? I don't know how I feel really; I keep wondering how you could do any of that shit when you supposedly love me, even though I know the answer."

"I'm sorry," Tyler said again. "I wrecked everything." He shuffled his feet and fiddled with a loose button on his shirt. "I guess I should go in before my Mom or Les comes out. My Dad's coming over in a little while."

"Really?"

"Yeah, he's seeing the shrink too; he figured it would help me. We still can't talk to each other much."

"Well, I hope that works out," I said. Much as he acted as if he hated his father, it had always seemed to me that he was just desperate for the man to acknowledge him and love him the way he once had.

"I hope so too."

I didn't know what else to say and I shoved my hands into my pockets and stared at his sneakered feet.

"Jake, I don't expect anything from you and I won't contact you, but maybe..." He stopped and dragged a hand through his hair the same way I had just done. "...I don't know, if you ever want to call me..." He broke off again and shrugged. "I better let you go."

"Yeah. Take care of yourself," I said awkwardly.

I hadn't expected it to be so hard to walk away. I felt like I should have been more angry and more upset by everything he had done, but I was just exhausted and I wanted to forget about it and tell him it was ok. I missed being with him; I missed how we laughed and fooled around and kissed and fucked and I missed his clutter and mess around my home. I hadn't really felt like we had said goodbye when I left him in the hospital and sent his stuff over to his father's, but now I felt like it really was over. As much as I might want to, I didn't know if could forgive him; if I could ever look at him again without feeling hurt and that in itself upset me more.

I walked home slowly, telling myself to get it together. I had been with him mere weeks, a fraction of the time I'd been with Paul, so why was this so much worse? Why did I feel so lost?

"Jake! Hey, where've you been?" Jasper appeared at my side suddenly. "I was coming over to help with the housework."

"It's done," I muttered.

"Are you alright? You look like hell."

"Don't ask me, ok?" I opened the door to the building and he accompanied me up to the apartment.

"You're stuck with me until you talk," he said, settling himself on the couch. "I've never seen you like this. I'm guessing it's still about that jerk, Tyler. I thought you got rid of him."

"We're not together any more, if that's what you mean."

"But he's still fucking with your head. Am I missing something? You were with him like, five minutes and you look like you want to kill yourself."

"Fuck off, Jasper!" I snarled as his words stung.

"Shit, I'm sorry," he groaned. "I know your Dad's woman...um...foot in mouth..."

"Tyler cut his wrists!" I cursed myself immediately the words were out of my mouth. I hadn't intended to tell him or anybody else about that.

"What the..? When? Today? Is he...um...?" Jasper stuttered, his face shocked.

"No, I found him when I came back after I spent that night at your place," I sighed. "He's alright, he's seeing a shrink."

"Fuck...why didn't you tell me before? You've been dealing with this for two weeks?"

"I didn't want to talk about it." I slumped onto the other end of the couch and closed my eyes. "I still don't and I don't want you repeating it, not even to Alice."

"Ok. So what now? Do you know why he did it? It wasn't emotional blackmail to keep you...?"

"Jeez, Jasper." I glared at him. "No. It was a whole bunch of stuff going back to his brother dying. He's dealing with it finally."

"But are you? You shouldn't bottle all this shit up, Jake."

"I'm fine."

"You don't look fine. What are you going to do about him? Are you still talking?"

"I don't know what I'm going to do, ok? I don't know how I feel. Stop bugging me, Jas," I grumbled. "I hate what he did. I'm pissed, I feel guilty, I want to knock his fucking head off and I don't know if I can forgive him or trust him. But I love him so I guess I'm fucked, aren't I?"

"I'm sorry," Jasper said. "I'd tell you to go with the knocking his head off part, but I don't suppose that's what you want to hear."

"Not really. All I can do is see what happens. He's going to be in therapy a while and he doesn't need me any more than I need him right now. I guess I'll just try talking to him before school starts."

School was still three weeks away, I thought, glancing at the calendar on my kitchen wall. Plenty of time to try getting my feelings and my thoughts in order before I made any attempt to speak to Tyler again.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N - This is NOT "Remember Me" and doesn't follow the same ending as the movie, but be warned that the end of this chapter and beginning of next does have some references to and descriptions of events on 9/11.**

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

**Tyler's POV**

I was shocked to see Jacob outside the house when he brought Caroline home. I hesitated about going out to see him at first, but then I knew I couldn't just hide away and not try to talk to him. Despite my conviction that he wouldn't have anything positive to say to me, I still hoped.

I was shocked to discover that Caroline had gone to see Jake because she worried about me; she had seen my wrists despite my careful attempts to keep them covered up with long sleeves, wrist bands, my wristwatch and so on, but she was probably more observant than anybody I knew and I ought to have realised. The rest of the conversation went pretty much how I expected. He agreed to talk to me and listened to what I said, but when he left it was like he was saying the goodbye he didn't get the chance to say in the hospital. I felt deflated and lost when he walked away and I didn't think it likely he would take me up on the vague suggestion I made that he might call me some time. It was over and it was only what I expected, but it still hurt like hell.

Dad arrived about thirty minutes later and it couldn't have been at a worse time. I had been determined I was going to actually try to have a proper conversation with him, but now all I could think about was Jacob - how I let him down, ruined things when I'd had the best thing I could have wanted - and I found I had nothing to say. He didn't seem to know what to say to me either, but he tried, I had to give him that, although he gave up pretty quick when all he got was surly grunts from me. He spent a cursory five minutes with Caroline afterwards, followed by a muffled shouting match with Mom behind the closed door of the kitchen. I heard her say that if that was the best he could do he shouldn't have bothered. Minutes later the front door slammed and he was gone.

Caroline came into my room to talk to me that evening when Mom and Les were having dinner. I had shut myself away and refused to emerge from my room, but I could never turn her away.

"Are you ok, Tyler?" she asked, climbing onto my bed and sitting cross-legged on the end of it.

"I'm fine, don't worry about me."

She hung her head and picked at a seam on her jeans. "Jacob said I should talk to Mom, but I already did last week and she's just trying to pretend everything's fine."

"It is fine. Ugh...I didn't want to talk about this, but Jake said you saw...what I did." I pulled myself up from the heap I had been lying in against the pillows and sat in the same position she had taken up. "I know Mom said you don't have to worry about me, but now I'm saying it and you can believe me. I was in a really bad place. I did some stupid things and it all blew up in my face in the end. That's why I'm seeing the doctor now, so I'll get better. I'm not going anywhere, Maestro."

"You promise?" she said hopefully.

"Yeah, I promise."

"I thought...maybe you still wanted to go and be with Michael."

"No, I'm past that," I said firmly. "I don't plan on seeing him again for...maybe fifty or sixty years."

"Good, because I don't want to lose you as well!" Caroline exclaimed and untangled her legs, crawled up the bed towards me and wrapped her arms around me. "I love you, Tyler."

"I love you, too, sis."

She stayed a while longer until Mom came to find us and despite my unhappiness over Jacob's visit, I made a decision to make more effort to fix things for myself. For the first time I felt like I actually wanted to move forward, rather than doing it because I was forced into it. I wanted to be a proper brother to Caroline and I figured that if I could actually get over everything and behave better, maybe Jacob still wouldn't want me, but at least he would see that I was no longer a failure.

My next appointment with the shrink went a little differently. Esme was making tea when I entered her office and I dropped into my usual chair and accepted a cup.

"You seem different today, Tyler," she commented. "How have you been?" I hadn't even said anything yet, but she seemed to know my attitude had changed almost overnight.

"Yeah...um...Caroline knows about what I did, I only just found out," I said. "It kind of a gave me a kick in the a- rear."

I explained what had led up to that - Caroline going to see Jacob out of worry, my talk with him afterwards and then her.

"I doubt he's going to change his mind about me," I continued. "I messed up too much; I already told you most of it, I think. Probably all of it. But I don't want him to look at me when we get back to school and see that I'm still as bad as I was then. And I don't want Caroline to look at me like she thinks it's the last chance she'll get. My father came over not long after and I couldn't talk to him. He tried, I think...I mean, he made more effort than he normally does and I just..." I shrugged. "...shut myself off."

"Did he know you'd seen Jacob? Or that Caroline talked to you?"

I shrugged again. "I don't know; only if my Mom told him. But I doubt it, she was just yelling at him."

"Then perhaps you could explain to him what had happened prior to him coming to see you."

"I guess."

"You seem much more relaxed about talking today and you've explained the reason for that. So, how do you feel about going back to the beginning? Telling me what happened when you were sixteen that led to all of what you're going through now?"

I talked. I used up the whole hour and then some, but Esme said she didn't have another appointment until after lunch and I could go on as long as I liked. I started with an outline of what our family had been like before Michael decided he was going to make music his career and how it changed as he failed to become successful and make any money; how everybody started to fight because Dad laid down the law about him joining the company, Michael hated the idea, Mom and me sided with Michael and tried to keep Caroline oblivious to it all. She was only four when all of it started, but she wasn't deaf or too little to pick up on the constant tension in the house.

I went on through Michael starting work in the office, how he hated it, how he would spend every night playing his guitar to take his mind off of it and how he repeatedly told me he couldn't live like that. I described his death, my parents fighting even then, Mom hiding away with Caroline, Dad dealing with the coroner and whoever else he needed to see, then spending all of his time at work while I sat alone in my room and felt like I hadn't only lost Michael, but everybody else as well.

"I always talked to him after that," I said tearfully. "I have a journal. I go to this coffee shop he and I went to a few times and write in it the things I would say to him. I talked about random things, not what he did or how I felt. I didn't want him to know how angry I was, how I blamed him for leaving me...I thought I'd never be able to forgive him..."

Esme silently passed me tissues to mop my face and said not a word until I finished with the last entry in my journal - how finally I understood how Michael had felt and how he hadn't purposefully left anybody; how I had at last forgiven him.

"Tyler, you've taken a huge step forward with this," Esme said eventually. "Your feelings about Michael and the effect his death had on your family has been the biggest hurdle in your life."

"Yeah." I blew my nose loudly and coughed. "Has my Dad talked about Michael?"

"Yes."

"And me?"

"Yes."

"And?" I held my breath as I waited for the answer. How did the man who had seemed so cold and distant since Michael's death really feel about everything?

"Tyler, your father told me that I can tell you anything about his meetings with me that I think would be helpful to you. But on this occasion, I think that you need to hear those things from him. The pair of you find it incredibly difficult to communicate, but you have both told me you're keen to get over this and try to heal the rift between you."

"How? He came over and I...couldn't talk."

"I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but perhaps you could start by contacting him and explaining what caused your mood when he visited you. Believe it or not, he's as hurt and unsure as you are. He shuts everybody out - you and Caroline - because of his pain over your brother and because he doesn't know the best way to fix things with you. Perhaps you could try meeting him half way."

"Yeah, I've been doing that for years," I sighed.

"Have you?"

I frowned and fell silent as I tried to recall some situations that involved me and my father talking. All of them seem to involve him being condescending and me being sarcastic and spiteful. Even when I'd done my best to get him to spend time with Caroline, I knew I'd done in a way that said I expected him to make excuses; that I didn't have an ounce of faith in him even trying to be a father.

"Maybe we were as bad as each other," I conceded. I decided I would do as she said and at least try getting in touch with the man; it could hardly result in anything worse than the current situation.

I left Esme's office almost two hours after I walked in and returned home. Les was at work and Mom suggested that I go to the book store for a few hours to give myself something different to do and I agreed, although I went to my room first and called my father. Much to my surprise, Janine transferred me to his phone straight away.

"Tyler," he said. "I'm in the middle of something right now, can I call you back in, say, an hour?"

"Uh...yeah...fine," I grunted and ended the call. I didn't know why I had expected anything different. It was just like always; work came first and the hell with his son or anything else. I jammed the phone into the pocket of my jeans and set off for the bookstore. He wouldn't call; I knew he wouldn't. He was just fobbing me off like he always did.

_'I'm busy; I'll call you back; work comes first; here, have another fucking five hundred dollars to play with instead!'_

"Going to work!" I growled as I passed my mother in the hallway and slammed out of the house.

I was glad to have a lot to do that afternoon. A new consignment of books had arrived and from the look of it, it would take me the rest of the week to unpack and place on the shelves. I started on the first large box, filling the trolley in the store room with half of its contents and wheeling it to the appropriate shelf to start stacking. An hour passed and I carried on, thinking I would stop in another thirty minutes and get a drink. Then my phone rang in my pocket and I pulled it out absently.

_'Dad calling.'_

My eyebrows rose. He called when he said he would? Well, fifteen minutes late. I accepted the call and put the phone to my ear.

"Tyler...I'm sorry I couldn't talk before. How did your session go today?"

"Uh...good, I think. It was pretty long, you'll see when you get the bill."

"That doesn't matter."

_'No, of course it doesn't matter, it's only money,'_ I thought.

"Sorry about...the other day," I said grudgingly. "Something happened; right before you came over."

"Do you want to discuss it?"

"No. I mean, not on the phone." I leaned back against a book shelf and closed my eyes. It was still like talking to a stranger.

"Would you like to have dinner with me, Tyler?" Dad asked.

"Uh...I guess. When?"

"Friday."

"Ok," I agreed. "Where?"

"The Oak Room?"

I'd known he would say that. Whenever he had taken any of us anywhere, it had always been the Oak Room and I hated the fucking place. It was stuffy and pretentious and always ended with one of the staff bringing Dad a phone to say he had an urgent call and he would ask the restaurant to bill him and then walk out.

"Yes? No?" he prompted.

"No," I said. "I don't like that place, I never did."

"You never said."

"Would it have made a difference if I had?"

"Tyler..."

I could almost see him frowning.

"...where would you like to go?"

"Dos Caminos," I said, naming a Mexican restaurant I'd been to a couple times with Aidan. I think I was testing him. The place was bright and loud and usually crowded and I doubted he would even have heard of it.

"Fine. I'll pick you up seven-thirty," he agreed without a pause.

"Ok."

I was surprisingly delighted when I hung up a moment later and I had to remind myself that there was plenty of time for him to change his mind, make an excuse, or simply not show up, or actually take me to the restaurant and then spend the whole night complaining about it or take off in the middle of the meal to an 'urgent meeting'. All I could do really was wait and see, but I had hope.

My sessions with Esme for the rest of the week were more positive than they had been previously and I actually began to feel like I was making some progress. I still longed to hear from Jacob and I constantly checked my phone to see if somehow I had missed a call or a text from him, but he didn't contact me that week. Friday arrived and I worked at the bookstore and later got ready to go to the restaurant, which still seemed like it was going to happen. Janine had called me that morning and apologised for the fact that my father wasn't calling himself, but he had instructed her to remind me his car would be outside Mom's house at seven-thirty as agreed.

I wore black jeans and a green shirt, for once free of wrinkles although that was Mom's doing rather than mine. I shaved and dragged my hands through my hair in my usual haphazard efforts at taming it and at seven-thirty-three I was getting in the car, surprised to find Dad wearing brand new blue jeans and a white shirt. I hadn't seen him dressed like that in years.

It took quite a while for us to actually say anything to each other. The short journey to the restaurant passed awkwardly with him asking how my week had been and when we arrived at Dos Caminos and were shown to a corner booth, I saw a slight grimace of distaste on his face, although he didn't comment. We ordered beers and nachos followed by fajitas and it was only when the main course arrived that he made an effort to start talking to me. He asked when I'd been to the restaurant before, commented that the food wasn't too bad, advised he had seen Esme that morning and she said I had made more progress in a couple of days than I had in the weeks I'd been seeing her.

"I talked about Michael," I said. "I never did before."

"None of us have really talked about him properly, have we?" Dad wiped his mouth and hands on a paper napkin with a cactus on it and clicked his fingers at the waiter to request more beers. "I've been talking to Esme about him too. I guess with the loss of him, we lost sight of each other."

"You mean you lost sight of the rest of us," I said.

"Tyler, you always seemed to think you were the only one who felt the pain of what he did. Do you think I didn't feel that? Blame myself?"

"I don't know."

"I know you blamed me - you and your mother."

"I blamed him too," I said slowly.

"For leaving?"

"Uh huh."

"Well, I blamed myself. I went about things the wrong way. I know he was miserable, but I thought I was doing what was best for him."

"You never listened to him." I grabbed the fresh bottle of beer in front of me and gulped some. "He tried talking to you and you either shut him down or walked away."

"I know. I was wrong."

"Why did you shut us out?" I asked. "Me and Caroline. She thinks you don't love her."

"And what do you think?"

"I'm not sure. I thought you didn't give a shit for a long time, but I guess I can remember what it was like before Michael died and you were different then. I wonder if you resent us for still being here when he's gone."

"To a small extent, I have to say that's true," he said, looking uncharacteristically shame-faced. "I...um...I made mistakes with Michael...unforgivable ones. In a way a little bit of both me and your mother died along with him. She went one way, by holding onto you two tighter and I suppose I went the other. I thought both of you would be better off without me; that if I didn't have you in my life too much I couldn't make the same mistakes again. And seeing you when he was gone...was hard...it reminded me of what I...we...lost."

I was astounded to hear him talk like that; really talk about how he felt and if I hadn't known better I would have thought it was wishful thinking or that I was dreaming and about to wake up at any moment. Then suddenly his phone rang and he seemed to shake himself and the moment was gone. I stared down at my plate and waited for him to say he needed to get back to the office.

"I've told you not to interrupt me," he said sharply.

I looked up again quickly in the brief pause where he clearly listened to whoever was on the phone.

"Well, you're quite capable of dealing with it yourself. I'm having dinner with my son, you can speak to me tomorrow." He ended the call abruptly and put the phone back into his pocket.

"You don't need to...deal with that?"

"My employee is perfectly capable of handling it."

"You don't want to use it as an excuse to get away from me?" I couldn't resist saying.

"No, I don't, Tyler, I've done that far too often because I haven't known what to say to you and I've preferred to avoid the issues we have. I know that what you did to yourself stemmed from losing Michael and was added to by your girlfriend and Aidan and then whatever happened with that boy...Jacob...but it started with me and my treatment of your brother. You might think it's a little late to fix things now, but I intend to try; both with you and Caroline. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm terrible at communicating and this...it's not easy to talk to you, Tyler, but it'll get better. I hope."

"Yeah, you are terrible at communicating," I conceded. "But I guess...it's not too late."

"Thank you."

I stared back at him thoughtfully. He seemed nothing like the man he had been for the past six years. I couldn't remember ever having such a frank discussion with him, even before Michael's death, although he had been a lot more light-hearted back then. I wondered if things would really change; whether he could get back to that or whether he was only making an effort now because he felt guilty that I'd almost followed my brother. I was reluctant to hope too much and then be let down again, but maybe, if I gave it a chance and stopped condemning him before he opened his mouth, we could have some kind of relationship again.

We spent the rest of the evening talking about less serious things; he wanted to know how school was going, whether I was ready to go back for my final year, if I had any thoughts on what I wanted to do afterwards and then he asked about Caroline and promised to take her to the Guggenheim, her favourite museum, in an effort to mend some bridges with her too. I agreed to go along the next weekend, knowing Caroline wouldn't have any more to say to him than I had initially.

I arrived home just before eleven and was surprised that I'd managed to spend several hours with him without a fight or either of us managing to insult the other in some way, which was usually the case.

"What now?" I asked before I got out of the car.

"I know we can't just go back to the way things were - both of us have a long way to go."

"Yeah."

"But we need to try spending more time together. I have a busy weekend. Monday..."

"Caroline's school starts again," I remembered.

"Will you come to the office Tuesday? I have to be there, but I'll be free to have breakfast. I have something there I want to show you."

"Ok. What time?"

"Nine o'clock."

I agreed and went up to the house, finding that Mom was waiting up to ask how things went. She assumed it couldn't have been a complete disaster since I'd been out for almost three and a half hours.

"It was ok," was all I said and I didn't tell her about going for breakfast on Tuesday, not wanting to tempt fate. Maybe if that went as well as the dinner, I could accept that things would eventually improve.

I took Caroline to school Monday, wheeling my bike and walking with her so I could cycle to the bookstore afterwards. I really needed to think about doing some study myself. It was September tenth and I only had one more week before I had to be back at college. I was less prepared than I had been for the previous three years and now was the first time I had actually cared whether I would pass or fail. I worked until lunchtime and then went home and studied all afternoon, but I was distracted. If only Jacob would get in touch - in one week we would be in class together and at the moment I had less of an idea how to talk to him than I did with my Dad. I even tried calling him that evening, but his phone went to the answer service as if it was switched off and I spent the night restless, thinking about him. Facing him next week was going to be hard if we didn't at least have a conversation first.

The next morning I woke late with a headache and ended up showering at top speed, gobbling aspirin and racing out of the house at eight-twenty while Les took Caroline to school. I pedalled furiously south towards the financial district, weaving in and out of traffic and causing a number of drivers to honk angrily when they were forced to brake to avoid me. Somehow I still managed to get there by eight-forty and I got off the bike a couple hundred yards from the towers and leaned against a building, panting for breath, grimacing over the fact that my shirt was glued to me in places. I looked around me and my eyes widened as I spotted Jacob emerge from an office on the other side of the street. He saw me at the same time and paused, then headed towards me. My heart lurched and began to race. He wanted to talk to me? It would have to be now when I had something to do.

"Hey, Tyler," he said.

"Hey." I licked my dry lips. "What are you doing around here?"

"Debt collecting." He grinned slightly. "The guy that runs that office owed the shop over a grand and keeps making excuses not to pay it."

"Did you get it?" I asked.

"Half. Tyler...I was going to call you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, how have you been?"

"Ok. I'm still seeing the shrink."

He nodded. "That's good. Look...um...I have a little spare time; do you want to get coffee or something? I thought we ought to talk, you know, with school starting next week. I don't want things to be awkward."

"That's the only reason you want to talk to me?" I asked, disappointed.

"Well, no..."

"I can't right now, I'm having breakfast with my Dad." I hated putting him off. He actually wanted to talk to me, even if it wasn't to do anything more than clear the air, but as I thought about it, I realised that he was making no promises and right now it was more important that I get along with my Dad better.

"Oh, well...that's good."

"I could call you later?" I suggested.

"Sure, I'll..." The rest of what he said was drowned out by the thunderous sound of an airliner and we stood waiting for the noise to abate. They didn't usually fly so low over the city, normally bypassed it in fact. Jacob glanced away from me and looked up and as the roar suddenly ended with a deafening explosion, his face paled. I followed his gaze and stared in disbelief at the clouds of smoke and huge fireball issuing from the upper floors of the North Tower. It took a moment to register that the plane had flown straight into the side of the building and a few more seconds for me to realise that my Dad's office had been at the centre of what was now a gaping, burning hole.


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

**Jacob's POV**

I had been intending to call Tyler some time over the weekend to at least see how he was getting on. Since I saw him when I took Caroline home, he had been on my mind more than ever; it seemed like he was really making an effort to fix things and if his father was seeing the therapist too, maybe they could work on having some kind of relationship in the future.

Somehow Saturday had passed by and then Sunday Jasper and Emmett came over and insisted I go to a ballgame. I hadn't really wanted to go, but they practically dragged me out of the apartment, refusing to take no for an answer, and I found I actually enjoyed the afternoon and their company did have the desired effect for once. I relaxed and laughed and ate hotdogs and afterwards we went back to Jasper's place, where Alice had spent the past few hours cooking up a feast for us. I returned home late and didn't even think about calling Tyler until the next day and then I put it off once again. I wasn't sure what I wanted to get out of it; I was still confused about my feelings for him. I loved him, but I felt torn - still angry, still hurt, still guilty. I didn't really know what I wanted to say to him and I worried that I would get it wrong, so I decided to spend another couple days thinking about it.

It was pure coincidence that I was in the financial district on Tuesday. One of the shop's clients had been trying to avoid paying a bill for some time and finally my boss sent me there in person, figuring being confronted by me would embarrass the guy into at least making a contribution to what he owed and it worked - I got half of the outstanding amount and then as I stepped out of the office the first thing I saw was Tyler across the other side of the street, leaning against the wall of a building with his bike beside him.

I paused for a moment and my breath caught in my throat. I shouldn't have been surprised to see him around here - if he and his father were continuing to make progress, he was probably going to visit the man at his office. My pulse quickened as he looked back at me and I decided now was as good a time as any to speak to him; I could hardly just walk away. I could at least find out how he was getting on with the therapy and try to figure out how we should treat each other when we got back to school. However, after a moment of smalltalk, Tyler explained he was having breakfast with his father and he couldn't talk to me right then.

That was when time seemed to stand still for a moment. I looked up, frowning at the deafening sound of the jet, trying to see it above the forest of buildings and then suddenly there it was, ridiculously low and then it was gone and clouds of smoke and a huge fireball were shooting from the upper floors of the North Tower. What the hell? It was impossible to comprehend and I just stared, completely forgetting about Tyler until I heard his voice.

_"Fuck! No! My Dad!"_

He took off running before I had pulled myself together, racing down the street towards the tower. Tyler wasn't the fittest person I knew, but he moved as if he'd been shot out of a cannon and my heart leaped into my throat as I set off in pursuit. He had a good head start, but despite his speed, I was faster. I didn't waste my breath yelling at him, knowing he wouldn't take any notice anyway. Ignoring the increasing sounds - yelling, screams, honking - I pounded after him, almost on his heels, but not quite close enough to grab him. Filled with panic, I threw myself forward in a football tackle manoeuvre, arms outstretched, taking him with me as I crashed to the ground a hundred yards from the building's entrance. Tyler landed mostly on his front, half underneath me and he threw one arm back in an effort to push me away.

"Get the fuck off of me!" he panted as he thrashed around, one of his fists catching me in the stomach and winding me.

"Tyler...you can't go in there!" I gasped, crawling up his body and grabbing his arm to pin it down as he struggled and fought determinedly. "Stop! Stay still!"

"My Dad...is in there!" Pumped with adrenaline, he bucked beneath my heavier form and flipped onto his back, almost freeing himself. "His office is right up there! Fuck!" He rolled his head back until it hit the concrete and looked upwards at the tower. "Jake..."

"There's nothing you can do, you can't go in there," I repeated. "Maybe he's not there."

"He's waiting for me...to have breakfast." His face screwed up and he put his hands over his eyes, suddenly ceasing his attempts to get away from me. "We were...fixing things," he choked. "We had dinner Friday...please..."

I levered myself up into a sitting position, wincing at my torn knees and hands. Tyler stayed where he was, lying on the ground, beginning to sob and I pulled him up slowly and wrapped my arms around him. I couldn't begin to imagine how he must feel right now; after everything else he had been through and having felt for years that he had lost his father, finally starting to find each other again and now this.

"I have to...go find him..."

"You can't...he might me on his way out," I said doubtfully, glancing around me as the street began to fill up with people - some rushing from the building and others heading towards it, gazing upwards. I looked away and concentrated on Tyler. Who knew what had happened? I didn't want to even think about it just yet.

Tyler's arms wrapped around my neck and he held on tight, his whole body shivering violently.

"Don't go...please..." he wept.

"I'm not going anywhere...I..."

I stopped as I heard a cellphone ringing. It wasn't mine and I guessed it had to be his.

"Tyler, your phone..."

He ignored me, sobbing against my shoulder, and I took one hand off of him and attempted to locate the phone. He usually kept it in his pants pocket and after a couple of failed attempts I found it and managed to pry it out of his pocket.

_'Dad calling.'_

"Tyler! It's your Dad!" My racing heart stuttered, but he didn't acknowledge me and I doubted what I said had registered. I put the phone to my ear.

_"Tyler!"_ his father's voice shouted, almost deafening me.

"It's Jacob, but he's with me."

"Where are you?" the man asked, his voice immediately giving away his relief.

"Not far from the entrance to the tower. You're not in there, are you?"

"No, my car's stuck in traffic. Stay where you are. I'm on my way."

He ended the call before I could answer and I tucked the phone into my own shirt pocket.

"Tyler! Look at me!" I pried one of his arms from my neck and put a hand under his chin, forcing him to lift his head and meet my eyes. "Your Dad is not in there. He'll be here in a minute."

"What? How...?" He stared back at me uncomprehendingly.

"He said he's in a traffic jam."

I glanced around us, realising we were sitting in the middle of the street, surrounded by people running this way and that. Then, coming from the same direction we had done, I spotted Charles Hawkins, racing towards us on foot in his thousand dollar suit, his equally expensive overcoat flapping behind him like a giant pair of wings. In a few more seconds he was on his knees in the dust beside us, pulling Tyler out of my arms and into his own. I sat back, gasping for breath, trying to calm down and slow my heartbeat.

"I thought...you were in the...b-building," Tyler hiccoughed, clutching a handful of his father's suit jacket.

"I was late...traffic...I'm here now. I got you, Tyler, I got you."

Despite the horror of the situation, I smiled as Tyler's father held him, oblivious to what was going on around them. I edged away and got to my feet slowly, noticing a cop heading towards us as several fire trucks appeared from another direction, sirens screaming.

"Guys...you're gonna have to clear the way and get to a safe distance."

"What happened?" I asked numbly.

"We don't know yet..."

"Mr Hawkins..." I tapped him on the shoulder. "We need to get out of here."

He didn't look up or answer, but he slowly rose from his knees, pulling Tyler to his feet along with him. It was only then that Tyler turned his head to look at me again.

"Jake...thanks...for stopping me..."

"We're going to my place," Charles said. "Thank you, Jacob. Do you want to come with us?"

"Wait! Caroline!" Tyler exclaimed suddenly.

"Where is she?" I asked.

"School. I don't know what's going to happen here, but she's bound to hear about it," said Charles.

"I'll get her," I decided immediately. "I'll take Tyler's bike. Where's her school?"

Tyler's father told me the name of the school and the street as we began walking away from the towers, the air now becoming littered with bits and pieces, a lot of what seemed to be fragments of paper and dust. Tyler's bike was still leaning against the building where he had left it and I grabbed it and swung my leg over it.

"Will you take Caroline to her mother's?" Charles asked me. "I don't think anyone is going to be worrying about school today."

"Of course."

"Thank you."

"Tyler, call me later, or tomorrow, whenever you're ready," I said. "Maybe we can talk."

He nodded tearfully and I wondered at the bizarre normality of the conversation, given what had just happened. It was almost as if the three of us were in some little cocoon, removed from the horror and panic just behind us. I looked back once more and again, I froze as a second plane came into view.

"Fuck...no..."

I shuddered as it hit the other tower and turned my back on it again; there was no way two of them were accidental. Tears began to sting my eyes as I thought about how close I'd come to losing Tyler. When he tried to take his own life, I'd been furious and wracked with guilt, but this...this was different. If I hadn't been in this street at exactly the right time, he would have run into that building to try to find his father with no one to stop him. We were lucky - both of them were safe and I had a chance to see if we could move on from the things that had happened between us. A lot of other people weren't going to be blessed with the same chance.

I pulled myself together, wiped my face with my sleeve and left Tyler with his father, beginning to pedal quickly away as I headed for Caroline's school. Did she know Tyler was planning on going to meet his father for breakfast? Did she think they were both in there? Had she seen or heard what had happened?

I raced down the street, dodging lines of unmoving traffic and crowds of running, shouting people, taking short cuts where I could to get away from the busy areas. It was rush hour, just gone nine o'clock, and a hundred times more hectic than usual. At last I turned into the street where Caroline's school was and I saw her almost immediately. Kids and adults were milling about in the street out front and she stood alone, a little distance from everybody, her glasses in her hand as she wiped her eyes. She saw me coming and chewed her lip until I dropped Tyler's bike onto the sidewalk beside her.

"It's ok, Caroline, Tyler and your Dad are both ok," I said quickly.

"Tyler went to...have breakfast with Dad," she sniffed. "Someone said a plane crashed into the building where his office is."

"I know, but your Dad was late and I met Tyler in the street. They're both fine, I promise. They're going to your Dad's apartment."

Caroline took a step forward and flung her arms around my waist, pressing her face against the lower part of my chest. I hugged her back for a moment and then she stepped away from me.

"Will you take me home, please? Mom will be worried."

"Of course I will." I bent to pick up the fallen bike, just as Tyler's phone began to ring in my pocket. I pulled it out quickly. "It's your Mom," I said, before answering. "Diane? It's Jacob."

"Oh, God, where's Tyler?" she cried.

"He's fine, he's with his Dad, they weren't in there," I said quickly. "Did you see what happened?"

"No, I heard."

"I've got Caroline, I'm bringing her to you," I told her.

I wheeled the bike and Caroline held onto my free hand as we walked from the school to their house. Diane was standing out in the street when we turned into it and Caroline left me and ran the last few yards to her mother's arms. I gave Diane a brief explanation of what had happened and went into the house with them. Suddenly my knees felt weak and I sank quickly onto the couch. I barely noticed when Diane sat down next to me and began bathing my grazed hands. Then she handed me a pair of Tyler's cut-offs and suggested I change so she could attend to the abrasions on my knees and I finally noticed they were stinging, my jeans ripped and grit from the road embedded in my flesh.

I changed in Tyler's room and looked around, imagining him in here, perhaps lying on his bed watching TV or writing in his journal. I could see the leather-bound book on the bed table and beside it, a small photograph of me that I didn't even know he had. It looked like one Jasper had taken a few months back and I guessed Tyler must have found it in my apartment and wanted to keep it. I sat down on the bed and dropped my head into my hands, my mind racing. I had to give him another chance. What had just happened had made me realise what I wanted. I was miserable without him and as awful as some of the things he had done had been, I knew all of it stemmed from the loss of Michael and the situation with his father. Maybe forgiving Michael and working things out with Charles would change things. I wasn't going to easily forget how he had hurt me, but it was worth giving it another shot to see if we could work in the future. I wasn't under the illusion he was anywhere near ready to be in a relationship, but we could at least talk...and hope.

"Jacob? Are you ok?" Caroline knocked on the door and I got up quickly.

"Yes, I'm just coming."

I went back to the lounge and Diane bathed my knees and pulled out bits of gravel with a pair of tweezers. Les arrived home minutes later, saying that he had sent the staff who made it to the bookstore home and closed up for the day. I filled him in on what had happened with Tyler and he switched on the TV, finding news reports on almost every channel. All of us watched in shock as one of the towers collapsed and then I took Caroline to her room to read together, neither of us wanting to see any more. I read something out loud from a book on Greek mythology than Tyler had given her and then I remembered I was supposed to have been back at work by now. I tried calling my boss, but got his answer service so I called a colleague instead and was told that they had closed up. My boss's son had been in one of the towers ready to attend a meeting and he had gone to be with his wife.

I stayed with Tyler's family all day. His phone rang in the middle of the afternoon and when I checked it and saw it was his father calling, I answered quickly.

"It's...um...it's Tyler," he said. "I couldn't remember your number...it's in my phone."

"Are you ok?" I asked.

"Yes...um...where are you? I was going to head home, but maybe I could see you first?"

"I'm at your place," I told him. "I'll wait if you want."

"Yeah." He paused. "Is my sister alright?"

"She's fine; your Mom and Les are both here."

"I'll be home soon."

It was another hour before Tyler arrived. Caroline was in the kitchen helping Diane prepare dinner and I sat with Les, watching something on TV which I didn't pay much attention to, occasionally interrupted by Les flicking channels to catch more news which I would rather not have heard.

I stayed where I was when I heard him come in and let Caroline and Diane fuss over him for a while. Then he appeared in the doorway and indicated I should follow him to his room. He closed the door after us and we sat down at opposite ends of the bed.

"You're wearing my pants," was the first thing he said and then he laughed nervously.

"Yeah, I hurt my knees, your Mom told me to change so she could see to them," I said.

"I don't really know what to say to you." He tugged a hand through his hair and sighed heavily. "You said you wanted to talk to me this morning; I didn't want to hope, but..."

"I wanted to know how you are," I said. "To see how things are going with the doc; with your Dad..."

"Better," he said at once. "I started talking about everything; I mean, to the shrink. I told her about Michael and it helped; I feel like I started to move forward and when I had dinner with my Dad - we actually said things to each other that meant something."

"I'm glad."

"I don't hate him," Tyler continued. "I thought I did, but I just...miss him. I felt like he didn't want me, but that was never true, he was just terrible at communicating. He shut us out - me and Caroline - because of Michael. It's a long story, I won't bore you with it right now. But today...after what happened, he said he loves me. I guess we can eventually get back to how things were; at least I hope we will. He's going to start spending more time with Caroline too."

"As hard as it is to think of things to say, or to actually voice them, it's the only way to make things better," I said, referring not only to Tyler and his Dad, but the pair of us as well.

"Do you think there's any chance we can at least get to being friends again?" Tyler asked.

"That's what I want," I said. "We can't go straight back to the way things were..."

His face brightened slightly. "I wouldn't expect that. I fucked up too much..."

"I was thinking earlier, before you came back, that everything you did seemed to be because of Michael and your Dad."

He nodded at once. "Much as I hate to bring this up, that girl...it wasn't something I've ever done before. I don't cheat, I just...I didn't know what I was doing. I..."

"I know that," I interrupted. "I don't know where we go from here, to be honest. I know my feelings for you didn't just go away, but it's gonna take me a while to...um...trust you again. But after what happened this morning...if I lost you I know I would have regretted not fixing things. Maybe we can eventually have some kind of relationship, if it's still what you want."

"It is," Tyler said earnestly. "I love you. I never thought you'd even give me a chance to put things right. I still have a way to go with the therapy, but I feel different. I want to be with you..."

"We need to take our time. We can't just take up where we left off."

"I'm not ready to," he replied. "I did it all wrong before. I don't want to risk repeating all the same mistakes."

I was surprised by what he said, but it was clear the therapy and the acceptance of what Michael did and the improvements with his father had already had a big effect on him. He was actually thinking about things properly for the first time since I'd gotten to know him and it was at least a positive start. I continued talking to him a little longer and then Diane knocked on the door and called out that dinner would be twenty minutes; I could stay if I wanted, but I declined.

"I'm gonna go," I said to Tyler. "You need to spend some time with your family and I need to call my Dad and my sister; they must have seen the news; I'm only surprised they haven't called me." I pulled my phone out and realised that I had somehow switched it to silent mode without realising and I had eight missed calls from my Dad. "Shit," I muttered. I needed to call him quickly and also catch up with Jasper and Emmett and make sure they and their loved ones were all ok. I headed for the door.

"Should I...call you, or...?" Tyler asked hesitantly.

"Yeah. Any time you want. You know my movements." I remembered I still had his phone and gave it back to him. "I'll see you...soon," I finished as he opened the front door for me.

"Yeah. Thank you, for today. I probably wouldn't be here if..."

"Don't even think that," I said. "You are here."

He nodded and it was with reluctance that I left the house and descended the steps to the street. I began to walk to Jasper's apartment, calling my Dad at the same time, although my mind wasn't really on either of them; it was on Tyler and at last the pain that had been constantly with me for weeks had lessened a little and I allowed myself to hope again.


	19. Chapter 19

CHAPTER NINETEEN

**Tyler's POV**

I was totally drained. The day had been horrific and it was impossible to avoid seeing the details of what had happened. Every news channel was showing the towers fall, over and over and I repeatedly told myself how lucky I was. Many people were lost and if Jake hadn't been there, I could have been in Dad's office or on the way up to it; if the traffic hadn't been so bad, Dad would have been in his office already. I shuddered and scrubbed my hands over my eyes. I couldn't blot it out.

I went to bed early, the same time as Caroline and the minute my head hit the pillow I was asleep, but my slumber was interrupted by nightmares. I eventually woke with a start in the early hours of the morning, the shorts and t-shirt I was sleeping in soaked in sweat, the bed covers tangled around my legs and my heart racing in panic. I didn't know which parts of the scenes in my head were real and which were in my imagination, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something happened to my Dad. Maybe things didn't happen how I remembered; maybe I was too upset to process it properly.

I _knew _he was ok; I remembered him pulling me out of Jacob's arms and crushing me in his own; his words, "I got you, Tyler." Later spending most of the day with him at his apartment. We hadn't really done anything, just sat together, talked a little, drank coffee and Dad spent some time on his laptop trying to make contact with colleagues and staff. He had shown me something later that he had intended for me to see over breakfast, telling me that he was glad he made a copy on a disk or it would have been lost. It was a slideshow of dozens of photographs of me, Michael and Caroline growing up, playing on the beach in the holidays, hanging out in the park, playing ball games. My parents were both in some of the pictures and in all of them Dad looked happy and relaxed. Realising he kept those, looked at them often, loved all of us had my tears flowing again and when I glanced at him I'd been surprised to see his eyes glisten.

I shivered and sniffed, realising my face was wet again. I was turning into a regular crybaby and I was still panicking over the remnants of the dream - the one where Jacob held onto me and Dad didn't come for me after all. I looked at the clock and noticed it was just before two, immediately dismissing the idea of calling him. He would think I was stupid; probably be pissed I woke him up.

_'Any time you need or want anything, call me. I love you, son.' _

That was what he said to me when we parted yesterday.

"Fuck it," I muttered and picked up my phone. If he was annoyed and thought I was a jerk, too bad. He'd told me enough times I was just a kid; I might be twenty-two, but right then I did feel like a kid; lonely and scared after a nightmare and Mom and Les weren't going to cut it.

"Tyler; are you alright?" He answered on the second ring.

"Yeah...um...sorry if I woke you."

"You didn't; I'm up. What's wrong?"

"It's stupid really. Bad dream."

"You won't be the only one having bad dreams tonight," Dad said. "Should I come over?"

"No, there's no need to do that." I half laughed awkwardly. "I just...wanted to make sure you were still there."

"I'm here; I'll always be here," he said quietly. "Why don't you come over tomorrow? Bring Caroline; I don't suppose her school will be open. I'll send the car for you."

"Yeah, I'd like that. Don't you have work to do or something?"

"Work can wait. You two are more important. Like I said yesterday, it's high time I started putting you first."

"Ok. Thanks, Dad. I guess I better try to get some more sleep."

"I'll see you tomorrow then. Call me when you're ready and I'll send the car. Goodnight, Tyler."

I hung up and stripped off my damp clothes, put on fresh ones and straightened out my bed. I was just getting back into it when there was a light tap on the door and it opened slightly.

"Tyler? Can I come in?"

"Sure, Maestro."

Caroline came in clutching an ancient old teddy bear, which she'd been saying she had grown out of for some time.

"I can't sleep," she said. "I had a bad dream."

"Me too. I called Dad," I admitted.

"In the middle of the night? Wasn't he mad?"

"No, he was up. He asked us both to go spend some time with him tomorrow."

"What about school?"

"I think you can forget school for a day or two."

"We have a test," Caroline said seriously. "To check we studied over the holidays."

"I don't think even your teacher is going to be worrying about that and if she is, she'll have me to answer to," I grinned. "You want to stay here the rest of the night?"

She nodded and a moment later snuggled up next to me, the teddy bear in the middle. She was asleep in minutes and pretty soon I joined her.

The next morning I called Esme's office to find out whether my therapy session was still on. I had missed Tuesday, but I knew she wouldn't have expected me and now I was advised she wouldn't be available that morning; if I was in urgent need of her I could be squeezed in for an early evening appointment. I told them not to worry about it and I would resume my meetings with her Thursday instead.

Caroline and I spent most of the day with Dad. He sent his car for us at ten o'clock and first showed Caroline the photo slideshow and a video that I hadn't seen before, where Michael and I were playing frisbee on the beach and a two-year-old Caroline was making a sandcastle with Mom. Later he took us out for lunch and much to Caroline's amazement picked a fast food restaurant which had been a favourite with Michael and me when we were young. It was probably the first time Caroline had eaten chicken nuggets and afterwards we picked up some movies from a store and watched one of them, then Dad and Caroline played chess. She didn't seem to know what to say to him initially, but by the time they were into the chess game, she had opened up a little bit. It was still awkward for me too - and him - having been such a long time since any of us communicated properly, but gradually the tension dispersed and there were even some laughs during the afternoon.

"He's really different," Caroline said when we got home.

"Yeah, he realised shutting us out isn't doing anybody any good."

"I can't believe he's taking me to the Guggenheim," she smiled. "Without Mom even."

"You might even get chicken nuggets again after," I teased.

"I hope not, they were awful, but I didn't like to say," Caroline giggled.

The next day I went back to see Esme as planned and told her what had happened since I last saw her. We talked about Dad a lot and she suggested the following week the two of us should have a joint appointment with her, although it was clear that we were heading in the right direction together. I talked about Jacob too and my hopes that he would want me again eventually although I didn't intend to rush in the way I had before and risk ruining our chances.

I didn't actually call Jacob until the weekend. Saturday morning I worked in the bookstore and when I got home, Caroline was still out with Dad. I went to my room to call him and sat for some time with the phone in my hand, my heart hammering and my mouth dry, wondering what to say to him. Would he really want to hear from me? Maybe see me? Or had he changed his mind once he left me on Tuesday?

Eventually I called and the phone rang several times before he answered; then I could hear other voices in the background and my heart sank.

"Hey, Tyler, how are you?" he asked.

"I'm ok. Is this a bad time?"

"No, I'm just over at Jasper's place and Alice and Emmett are here."

We made small talk for a few minutes and he asked how things were going with my Dad, but I hesitated about asking to see him.

"Are you ready to go back to college next week?" I asked instead.

"Not really; I've been trying to study, but it's not really happening."

"Same here."

"Do you want to meet up? Maybe tomorrow?"

My racing heart sped up further at his request, even though I knew it didn't really mean anything. It wasn't like he asked me on a date and he probably only wanted to spend some time together so that things weren't awkward in school, but I couldn't quell my excitement. I agreed at once and we arranged to meet up by Bethesda Fountain in the park the next afternoon; neutral territory, I mused.

I spent the rest of the day in my room in a state of nervous excitement, my imagination running away with me as usual. I knew nothing would happen; it was in my own best interests not to throw myself into things again even if Jacob wanted to, which he wouldn't, but my head was filled with thoughts of him kissing me, his hands wandering, his mouth against my ear whispering that he wanted me to fuck him. I struggled to squash them and think only about communicating with him, learning to get along again as friends, but it didn't stop me jerking off vigorously that night as I imagined his hands and mouth on me; my cock driving into his tight hole.

It was not long after I came, when I was still lying panting on my bed, cleaning myself up with a handful of tissues, when I remembered what had led to the end of what Jacob and I had the first time. I had sex with someone else; unprotected sex with a girl I knew nothing about, but one that clearly had no worries about doing it with a boy she didn't know. God alone knew where she'd been before me and finally, weeks after the event, I considered the position I'd put myself in.

"Fuck," I muttered aloud.

As if I hadn't already messed up badly enough, I could have jeopardised my health too and now if Jacob did eventually want me back, I might be a danger to him as well. The next morning I called the hospital and was of course told that the sexual health clinic was closed on the weekends and I would have to call Monday for an appointment. I did my best to put it out of my mind until then, not wanting to be dwelling on such a thing when I went to meet Jacob.

The morning dragged by and I skipped lunch, too nervous to swallow a single bite of food. My stomach was full of butterflies and my heart racing when I got ready to go out later and I walked to the park, repeatedly glancing at my watch as I arrived thirty minutes early, just in case. I sat on a bench near to the huge fountain and gazed around me, guessing Jacob would appear from one of two paths to my right, although I checked all of the other directions anyway. Two-thirty came and went and he didn't appear and my heart sank; he changed his mind. I got up and slowly walked around the perimeter of the fountain as another five minutes crawled by and then suddenly I saw him, approaching at a trot and I heaved a sigh of relief.

"Hey. Sorry I'm late; I went out earlier and the train broke down. By the time I got home I had about fifteen minutes to shower and get back over here," he explained.

"It's ok."

"So how have you been?" He fell into step beside me and we continued a slow walk along one of the many paths which meandered around the park.

"Not too bad, I guess. Had a couple of nightmares."

"Me too. How are things with your Dad?"

"Good. Caroline and me went over to his place for a day and he took her to the Guggenheim yesterday. He's making a real effort. He seems more like I remember him being before Michael."

"That's great."

"The shrink arranged for us to have a joint meeting next week. I get the feeling I'm not going to be seeing her for much longer."

"Awesome."

Jacob looked as awkward as I felt and didn't seem to know what to say to me. We walked in silence for a few minutes and I nervously chewed my lip and fiddled with the keys in my pocket. What had we always talked about before? Everything; common interests, things one of us liked and the other didn't, school, our jobs, anything that came into our heads; but right now I couldn't think of a single thing to talk about. Suddenly he stopped walking and faced me instead.

"This is ridiculous; I don't know what to say to you. It's like we don't know each other any more," he blurted.

"I know, I was thinking the same thing," I said miserably. I just knew he was going to make some excuse and go home.

"Maybe we need to start from the beginning; get to know each other as if we didn't before."

"Why do you even want to?" I asked. "I'll understand if you just want to forget it."

To my surprise, he looked hurt. "Because I care about you," he said. "I thought we had something and then you messed up and I told myself it was over; that I'd never be able to forgive you and I certainly can't forget what you did, but I guess it was more painful to think about not being with you. I told myself I'd get over it and move on and even considering getting back with you was stupid. Tuesday gave me a kick in the butt. I mean, you could have died when you...did what you did, but then I was just pissed that you would do that. Then when you tried to run into the tower I realised how I would feel if I really did lose you and the chance of talking to you again or trying to fix things was taken away from me." He stopped suddenly, looking shocked that he had said so much. My heart was pounding at his words, as I thought that he _was_ going to give me another chance, as much as I might not deserve it.

"Wow," I murmured. "I didn't expect that."

"Nor did I. I was going to be cool and talk to you like I talk to my friends, but I just dried up and what I was thinking came out instead."

"I know you said when I last saw you that we could try to start again slowly, but I really didn't think it would happen," I said. "I hoped, but I thought you'd think better of it. I don't know if I could forgive me."

"I haven't yet," Jacob said firmly. "I should kick your butt, but I'm miserable without you. I'm not sure if I'll regret it yet, so don't expect too much."

"I won't." I shook my head and struggled not to grin from ear to ear. I longed to step closer to him, feel his arms around me again, but I kept my distance. It was too soon, but it seemed like it wouldn't be too long before I could at least hug him again.

After that, we did talk. I still felt uncomfortable discussing some things, because somehow what I had done was never far away and we hadn't actually faced either my infidelity or attempted suicide head on. We had skipped over them a few times as being 'my fuck ups' or 'the things I did', but they still hung there between us and I almost wished Jacob would blurt out how he felt; yell at me, whatever, just to get it out of the way. A couple hours passed and we were sitting on a bench by the lake when something did prompt him to get it off of his chest.

Ally showed up. One minute we were sitting there with our legs stretched out in front of us, talking about going back to school Monday and the next, she appeared from the right and halted in front of us.

"Hey...um...Tyler; can I speak to you for a minute?"

"What about?" I didn't shift my position, hoping I would look more relaxed and unconcerned than I felt. What the fuck did she want? What was Jacob going to think? I glanced at him and his brows had drawn together in a frown.

"Can we speak alone?"

"Whatever you have to say, you can say it in front of Jacob," I said. "You have a phone; if you're that keen to talk privately, why walk up to me when I'm with someone?"

"Fine." She gritted her teeth. "I actually wanted to talk to you about what happened."

"Regarding what? You fucking Aidan?" I grimaced slightly and eyed Jacob again. He had to be thinking about me doing the exact same thing. "How is he, by the way?" I added.

"I don't know, I'm not with Aidan, I moved back with my Dad," she said.

"Oh, not fun any more now you're not sneaking around behind my back?" I sneered.

"For God's sake, Tyler, I just wanted to apologise properly," she snapped back. "I didn't really know how I felt; you were so screwed up over your Dad and Michael all the time, I didn't feel like you were with me. I know it's no excuse, but that's what happened."

"So why do you suddenly want to say this now?"

"Because...my Dad was there on Tuesday...I mean, _there_, in Wall Street. He said he asked you and your Dad to move along...I realised maybe you had been going in there, that I could have lost you, and I realised I still..."

"I'm not yours to lose!" I exclaimed, sitting upright quickly. "In case you forgot, I like dick now! You can say whatever you like, but it doesn't change the fact that you fucked my best friend, in our bed and I moved on. I suggest you do the same. I actually can't believe you'd stand there and say all that shit in front of Jacob either."

I heard Jacob sigh heavily and he straightened up too and looked at his watch. He was on the point of getting up and leaving and I was desperate to get rid of her.

"Look," I continued. "Whatever you did, forget that. I'm over it. I'm over you. I don't love you any more, or even like you and I'd prefer it if you'd just keep your distance."

"Fine!" She blinked rapidly. "I guess I can understand that. I'll see you around."

Much to my relief she turned and walked away and I got to my feet and looked down at Jacob.

"That was fucking weird," I muttered.

He jumped up, his jaw stiff and my heart sank.

"How was it weird? She cheated on you and she thought maybe if she grovelled, you might not be able to forget right away, but you'd forgive her. That maybe you love her enough to get over it."

"What?"

"Isn't that exactly the same as you and me, only at least she knew who she was doing it with?"

"No, it's not the same, Jacob. I didn't even consider that you would forgive me and there was no way I could keep that a secret from you. The minute you got back I told you what I did and I was ready to leave because I knew I'd fucked up what I had with you."

"But you didn't leave, did you? You fucking cut yourself in my bathroom and I had to come back and find you like a scene from a fucking horror movie!" Jacob bellowed suddenly. "How do you think I felt, huh? Have you even wondered? I thought you were dead! There was so much blood, it was like a fucking lake all around you and I can't go in my bathroom now without seeing that in my head! I fucking hated you at that moment. I thought you did it on purpose so I'd find you like that and forgive you for cheating because of how desperate you were. Then I felt guilty for the way I felt because you were a mess over your Dad and your brother and I thought, maybe I should have been more supportive; maybe it's not your fault you fucking kicked me in the teeth, but looking at it like that made me think I was fucking stupid. Why do you think I didn't wait around at the hospital? I couldn't stand to look at you and I told myself over and over that I'd move on and forget about it all if I just gave myself enough time, but I couldn't fucking do that, Tyler, because I love you, despite everything! Then when I saw you at your mother's after I brought Caroline home I felt like I couldn't really let everything out because you were in therapy and you might crack or something and once again, you came first."

He turned away suddenly, scrubbing his hands over his face to wipe away the tears that had sprung from his eyes. I stood there staring at his back in shock, knowing every word he said was true and wondering how in the hell he would ever feel better about me.

"Don't put me first," I said slowly. "Think about what _you_ want."

"I want you," he said, still with his back to me. "I spent the last few weeks thinking about it all and even though I gave you the idea that maybe we could work on it, I wasn't sure." He turned to face me again. "Like I said earlier, Tuesday changed things. I guess all of what just came out were things I needed to get off of my chest and Ally turning up started it. I mean, I do feel all of that, but not having had a chance to say it just had it festering."

"I told you before you should be a shrink," I put in shakily.

"Maybe not my own though, huh?" He sighed heavily. "Although I said I can't get what you did out of my head, I didn't mean I'll never be able to forgive you."

"It took me six years to forgive Michael," I reminded him sadly.

"I don't suppose it would have if your father was there for you; if you'd been able to share your feelings and get help earlier."

"No, maybe not."

"Shit," Jacob groaned suddenly. "I feel that now, rather than try to move on, we took a huge step backwards."

"If you had all that bottled up though, it's better to let it out. How could things ever work if you try to pretend you're ok and you can deal with it? You'd probably just blow up further down the line and it'd be even worse."

"Yeah, I guess."

"I won't break, Jacob," I added. "What you said stung, but I really am better; stronger. I hope that I can be what you want again, only without all the drama. I mean, the shit from before you went to visit your family."

He nodded, but didn't speak.

"I think I should probably go home," I suggested reluctantly.

"Want to get away before I lose it again?" he said wrily.

"No, but you look like you'd rather be on your own."

"Ok. You're right." He took a step backwards and I did the same. "I'll...um...I'll go home. I'll see you in school tomorrow." He hesitated for another moment and then turned to leave.

I felt shaken from his outburst, but at the same time I was glad he'd told me what he really felt about things. I still didn't know how he could want to be with me in the future after the way I'd treated him and made him feel, but clearly he loved me enough to try and that warmed me.

"Jake!" I called out quickly.

He halted maybe twenty feet away and spun around.

"I love you."

He gave me a small smile and a nod and then swiftly headed out of the park.


	20. Chapter 20

CHAPTER TWENTY

**Jacob's POV**

I walked home slowly from the park, lost in thought. Tyler was different - like he said he was stronger and he seemed determined to move on with his life and deal with things, even if I chose not to be part of it. He was right too, in that I had needed to get those things said. I hadn't realised just how tense and angry I still was until it all exploded out of me in a rush and now I did feel better, despite initially thinking I should have kept it to myself. There was one thing I had said to him that wasn't going to get better just by talking about it, however. I needed to get out of my apartment and find somewhere else to live or that image of Tyler was going to continue to haunt me and ruin any chance we had.

When I got indoors, I switched on my laptop and began to search for accommodation, knowing full well I was unlikely to find anything. I had been very lucky getting this place when my tutor put it up for rent, but with school starting tomorrow, last year's dorm students would already have taken over every low priced apartment or studio within ten miles of the college. I had a decent amount of savings from the time Tyler had lived with me and after working almost full time through the holidays, but it would quickly dwindle if I took a more expensive place, especially since I would be working only a few hours each week again. Then suddenly I remembered something that Jasper and Emmett had been talking about recently. Emmett's room mate had a bust-up with his girlfriend, followed by a fight with Emmett himself and had packed up and moved to Queens where he had friends he could stay with. As yet, Emmett didn't have a new room mate. Could I live with him, I wondered?

Emmett was a jock; he was on the college football team, I'd never seen him with the same girl twice, he was loud, vain and rude and he was never that comfortable with the fact that I was gay, but which was worse? Seeing Tyler bleeding in my bathroom every time I walked in there, or living with Emmett for just a few months? Even if things didn't work out with Tyler and we didn't live together again, college ended in eight months and I would either move on to another place of my own, or go home to Washington. Even if Emmett turned out to be a less than ideal room mate, I could survive eight months with him. I picked up my phone and called him.

"Hey, Jakey!" he bellowed a second later and I closed my eyes briefly and grimaced. "Whaddyawant?"

"Emmett, did you get a room mate yet?" I cut to the chase, knowing he hadn't.

"Nope! Why? Know somebody who wants the job?"

"I need somewhere else to live," I said.

"Uh huh. What's wrong with your place?"

"I just...need to get out of it."

"Hmm..."

"Emmett, I'm sure you'd rather not have a gay guy in your guest room, but I promise to hide my porn and at least you'll save money on the bills." I decided taking his own approach would probably work the best.

"Ok," he said. "When do you want to move in?"

"Now?"

"Jeez, you don't waste any time."

"I'd rather get it done before school tomorrow."

"Makes sense. Want me and Jas to come over and carry stuff?" he offered.

"Sure, that'd be great if it's not too much trouble," I agreed.

"Just one thing, Jake," he said and coughed.

"What?"

"Don't let me come home and find you fucking some guy on the couch or anything."

"I promise," I smirked. "So long as you promise to keep your endless string of pussies in your bedroom. That is something I would rather not see."

"You're weird," he replied. "But yeah, we got a deal."

Emmett and Jasper arrived an hour later in a truck they had managed to borrow from one of Alice's friends at short notice. By then I had packed up all of my smaller items and had also called my tutor to let her know I was moving out. I had recently paid a month's rent and asked her to keep it to make up for the inconvenience. She was disappointed, but I explained briefly that I'd had a bad experience with my last room mate and didn't feel like I could stay there any more.

By nine o'clock my belongings were in Emmett's guest room and he was on the phone ordering pizzas for the three of us. Jasper shut my door and leaned on it.

"You going to tell me what prompted the sudden move?"

"I just can't live there any more after everything that happened."

"How did it go when you saw him today? You're not seriously getting back with him, are you?"

"We're just going to see what happens. He's different; better. He's still in therapy, but he's fixing things with his Dad, moving on from everything."

Jasper looked sceptical. "People don't change that much. How will you be able to trust him again? What if you fight? Aren't you going to worry he might...do something to himself again?"

"Maybe, but I guess I think it's worth it," I said slowly. "Tuesday kind of brought things into perspective. He could have died that day if I hadn't stopped him running into the tower..."

"He could have died if you didn't get home in time when he cut himself too," Jasper put in.

"I know. It's complicated, but I realised what's most important to me."

Jasper sighed heavily. "I hate seeing you go through this shit. It's been constant since you brought him home drunk. You're too good for him, Jake."

"I'm fine, don't worry about me," I said. "I know what I'm doing."

"Well, if he fucks with you again, he's gonna have me and Em to answer to."

"Hey! What are you doing in there? Better not be getting naked already!" Emmett yelled from the other side of the door.

Jasper stepped away from it and pulled it open. "Emmett, put a lid on it. Where's the pizza?"

"Ten minutes away."

A couple hours later, the pizzas were gone and Jasper had left. I went to bed and after a short period of Emmett banging around the apartment, he went to his room too and there was silence. I wasn't sure I would sleep, but I was exhausted and within minutes I was slipping away. When I woke again, it was seven o'clock and I was surprised to find Emmett had already gone out. I went to make myself some coffee and found an untidily scrawled note on the kitchen counter.

'Gone to gym.'

I was surprised he had actually bothered to leave a note and while the kettle boiled, I took a proper look around the rest of the apartment, including a small peek around Emmett's door which he had left ajar. I had been here a couple times before, but not really paid attention to my surroundings and I noticed now that everything was incredibly tidy, not a single item out of place. Somehow I had expected Emmett to live in a mess of confusion, things thrown around everywhere and his refrigerator bare except for beer and left over takeout, but when I opened it to look for milk I found it stocked with all the basic essentials, the freezer full of portions of chicken, steak and shrimp and staple foods such as rice, pasta and flavourings in the cupboards, along with several large cans of protein powder. Of course he would take care of himself - he was in great shape and with much bigger muscles than me; he didn't get like that by living on pizza and burgers.

I helped myself to wholewheat toast, scrambled some eggs and finished off with an apple before I sat down to study for an hour. I knew I was going to start the semester behind in my classes and was going to have to spend some hours catching up. Tyler had been way too much of a distraction in more ways than one and I had barely opened my books for the past few weeks.

I set off for school a little earlier than I would normally. Emmett's apartment was around the same distance away as mine had been, only in a different direction, but I had to walk a few minutes to get to the nearest subway and I hoped to see Tyler before we actually got into class. I wandered around looking for him when I arrived, the butterflies in my stomach making me feel faintly sick and try as I might to calm myself down, my heart raced and I was almost breathless. I saw no sign of him amongst the crowds of students and I wondered if he was even here. Would he ditch on the first day? Was something wrong?

"Hey, Jacob!"

I spun around at the sound of Paul's voice. He was the last person I wanted to see at that moment and my eyes widened when I saw him. He had clearly spent the summer doing the same thing as Emmett. Paul had always been a big guy, but now his shoulders, arms and chest bulged more than ever and he was wearing a too-tight shirt to emphasise it.

"Hey, how was your summer?" I asked.

"Better than yours, or so I heard."

"What have you heard?"

"That your guy's been giving you some trouble."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Didn't he try to kill himself?"

I flinched. How could he possibly know about that? I had only talked to Jasper about it and neither he nor Alice were gossips, if he had even told her.

"It's not common knowledge," Paul added. "I'm dating a guy who works in the hospital. He's one of the staff who had to check on Tyler."

"So much for patient confidentiality!" I snapped. "Remind me never to get sick if I don't want to see myself on the news!"

"He's not like that, he only told me because Tyler's father was so rude to him. I happened to mention that Charles Hawkins' son was dating my ex and he said, maybe not any more, he tried to kill himself."

"Fuck," I muttered.

"So what happened?"

"Paul, I am not talking to you about Tyler," I said firmly. "Just...don't gossip about it, will you?"

"Fair enough," he shrugged. "He's of no interest to me, but if you want my opinion..."

"I don't," I interrupted.

"...you're better off without him," Paul finished, ignoring me. "He's a loser."

"What makes you think we're not together?"

"Well, weren't you living with him? And now you moved in with Emmett?"

"News sure travels fast," I muttered.

"I saw Emmett in the gym this morning."

"What did he say?" I asked anxiously.

"Nothing, just that you were his new room mate."

"Yeah, well Tyler needs to be with his family right now," I said. "I'd appreciate it if you'd not blab about me all over school, Paul."

"I've no intention, it's your business," he shrugged. "I'll see you around."

He walked away and it was then that I saw Tyler, some twenty yards away staring in my direction. He looked miserable and I headed towards him quickly.

"Hey, Tyler."

"Hey. That was...Paul, right?"

"Yeah."

"I didn't know you were still that friendly with him."

"I'm not really, I don't see much of him," I said, feeling as if I should explain myself. He was chewing his lip anxiously and I could almost hear his mind whirring. "He's dating a guy in the hospital. He found out about what happened to you, but he'll keep his mouth shut."

"Shit," Tyler muttered.

"Don't worry about it. So, are you ready for class?"

"No, are you?"

I shook my head. "I meant to study yesterday after I saw you, but I...I moved out of my apartment."

"What? Why?" His eyes widened and then he closed them briefly. "Yeah, of course. I'm sorry."

"I needed to get out of there so I can move on. You're fixing things and until yesterday, I wasn't, I just tried to ignore it. I moved into Emmett's apartment. It's just temporary."

"Ok."

"It doesn't mean you won't be able to come over at all," I added quickly.

"Yeah, sure, I bet Emmett would make me really welcome."

"Emmett's alright," I said. "He doesn't know most of what happened."

"You mean you haven't talked to him?"

"No, I don't know him that well yet. I talked to Jasper a bit, but he's my closest friend here. He doesn't gossip."

"Thanks," Tyler nodded and we began to head to our first class together.

I still felt a little awkward with him, but I supposed it would get better the more time we spent in each other's company. We took our usual seats in the Global Politics class and settled in for a two-hour lecture. I forced myself to concentrate and made copious notes, surprised when each time I glanced at Tyler he was bending over a yellow legal tablet, scribbling furiously with a pencil. I couldn't ever remember seeing him actually work hard before, but he appeared determined to do better than he had previously.

Finally the class ended and I gathered up my books and got up, intending to ask Tyler to hang out with me over the lunch break, but he had already rushed out of the door, his phone in his hand and by the time I made it out into the corridor, he was gone. Shrugging, I went over to the campus diner to get lunch and joined Jasper and Alice instead.

I didn't see Tyler again until the end of the afternoon. He skipped our next class and appeared in the library instead, where I planned to spend an hour studying before I went to work. He seemed to be looking for books rather than intending to study and didn't even see me until I called out to him in a low voice, trying not to disturb the other students. Then he headed towards me, red-faced and reluctant.

"Where've you been?" I asked. "I thought you wanted to do well this year. Why would you ditch on the first day?"

"I had something I needed to sort out," he said.

"Like what?"

"It's nothing, Jacob, don't worry about it. Are you studying here? I'll join you." He sat down at the table I had just got up from and I took my seat again.

"If it's nothing, what's the big secret?" I pressed.

"Jake..." he sighed. "Don't ask me, ok? Please?"

"If we're going to work things out and have any kind of chance, we need to start by being honest with each other," I said firmly, wondering what in the hell could be making him so anxious that had him skipping school on the first day back and refusing to tell me.

"I went to the hospital," he muttered.

"Why? Is something wrong?" I felt a prickle of anxiety.

"No. I hope not." He groaned and rubbed his hands over his face, which had turned redder than ever. "I just...after what I did I thought I should...get a test. You know, a...um...from the STD clinic. I'm sorry."

For a moment I wished I hadn't asked. I wasn't sure whether I was glad he was honest or whether I would have preferred just to not know and I knew I shuddered visibly at his words. Again I was faced with the unwelcome vision of him with some faceless girl. I licked my dry lips and struggled to think of something to say.

"Didn't you...um...use a condom?"

"I don't know, I don't think so. I was so drunk. I'm pretty sure I didn't. Damnit. I'm sorry, Jake, I really am." The colour drained out of his face and he blinked rapidly to rid his eyes of the threat of tears.

"You know they can't get an accurate test on some things for three months," I said through my teeth.

"Yeah, well, I know that now. Look, I'm just gonna leave you to it and go home." He got up again quickly and grabbed his bag. "I'll...uh...I'll see you tomorrow."

He walked away quickly and I rested my elbows on the table and dropped my head into my hands, feeling a little sick again. For the first day of our supposed new start, it had been pretty lousy and I wondered if I really was making a mistake. Maybe I could have forgiven his brief episode of infidelity and maybe I could eventually get over the fact that he tried to take his own life, but now for the next couple months I had just another thing to worry about until he could get tested. I didn't want to even think about the possibility that something might test positive, but if he was that careless, there had to be at least some chance of a bad outcome.

"Fuck," I muttered. Was any of this worth it?

I gave up on the idea of studying and went to the shop instead. They were busy and I worked hard until six, then went back to my new home, made sandwiches and went to my room to catch up on the study I hadn't done earlier. Emmett wasn't home and didn't show up until I was getting ready to go to bed. I didn't sleep well, but by morning I had come to realise that I ought to have considered the possibility Tyler might find himself in this situation. I knew the state he had been in at the time and the girl sounded like some cheap tramp who had probably been all over the city. It didn't make me feel much better, but I reminded myself that I'd already made a decision to give him a chance to redeem himself. If he had told me about the clinic before when I saw him Sunday, would the outcome have been any different? Would I have walked away? No.

I dragged myself out of bed in the morning, tired and with a pounding headache. The last thing I felt like was another endless lecture, but I showered and went to join Emmett for coffee and bagels with peanut butter. Apparently he didn't go to the gym every day and now regaled me with a detailed account of his evening out with one of the cheerleaders from the football team. She was new to the team this semester and apparently falling over herself to get a date with him.

"Are you seeing her again?" I asked.

"Yeah, movies Friday night, take her shopping Saturday...after all that she'll be happy to do anything I want."

"You're a pig," I said mildly. "Is this what you do with them all?"

"Pretty much. Some of them are a bit quicker to warm up so we don't have to bother with the shopping," Emmett chortled.

I shook my head in amusement. Perhaps living with him wasn't going to be so bad - at least he was likely to make me laugh.

We travelled to college together that morning and I didn't get the opportunity to speak to Tyler until after class. He was already in his seat when I got there and the tutor was talking to him. I followed him out as soon as we were free to go to lunch.

"Tyler, wait."

"Hey. I wasn't sure you'd want to talk to me."

"I meant what I said Sunday," I told him. "I do want to try to move past everything and start again. I was just...shocked, I guess. I hadn't considered...that and I should have."

"That's why I didn't want to say anything. I wasn't trying to be secretive, I just didn't want to upset you," Tyler said. "It's my mess, I'm just gonna have to deal with it. And for the record, even if things did start to be good between us again, I wouldn't have come near you until after..."

"Yeah, I know that."

We headed for the diner together to get lunch and afterwards, with no afternoon classes, we spent a few hours in the library working on a paper and I briefed Tyler on the class he had missed Monday. Gradually I began to relax in his company again and I knew I didn't mistake the look of relief on his face the few times I caught him looking at me.

The rest of the week continued in a similar way. We ate lunch and studied together and then parted to go to our respective jobs. Tyler still had three therapy sessions per week, one of which was a joint meeting with his father and he arranged the appointments so as not to interfere with school. He told me briefly how each one went and seemed positive that in a couple more weeks, he would be able to stop the sessions. He had a different outlook and having the love and attention of his father made all the difference to him.

I didn't see him over the weekend, but I found he was constantly on my mind even though I filled the two days with activities - going to a ballgame with Jasper and to the gym with Emmett, plus working Saturday morning and spending most of my free time studying. Both guys asked me about Tyler, given that as far as they could see I didn't really spend much time with him. I knew they thought I was either a jerk or a glutton for punishment and simply didn't understand, but at least they kept it to themselves.

By Sunday night I had decided to try taking a small step forward and again I had a fairly sleepless night as I thought about Tyler and what I would say to him when I saw him at school Monday. The two-hour Global Politics class seemed to drag more than usual, but at last we escaped and headed over to the diner for lunch.

"How was your weekend?" Tyler asked me.

"Yeah, ok. I went to a game with Jasper and the gym with Emmett. He put me to shame."

Tyler grinned. "Dad took me and Caroline to Liberty Island. Caroline's history class is studying immigration and she wanted to go to the museum rather than just read about it."

"Your Dad's really making an effort," I said.

"Yeah, who'd have thought there's actually a human being under the Armani?"

"So...um..." Stupidly I was nervous and my heart lurched in my chest. We really were back at the beginning.

"What?" prompted Tyler.

"I was wondering if you want to go out...maybe Friday?"

"Like on a date?" He looked surprised and excited.

"Yeah, we never actually did that, did we?"

"I'd love to."

"Do you want to see a movie?" I asked. "I wanted to see that Fast and Furious one with Vin Diesel since it came out."

"Sure! Maybe we could get some food too?" he suggested.

"Ok." It was really early days and I knew we had a long way to go, but at least it was a start and I felt more hopeful than I had in weeks.


	21. Chapter 21

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

**Tyler's POV**

I was surprised when Jacob asked me on a date. I had expected it to take him a lot longer to want to spend time with me away from school, especially after I'd had to tell him about my need to get a test. I'd been completely mortified by that and convinced he would avoid me afterwards. I hadn't missed his shudder and the expression of shock and disgust on his face when I admitted to being unable to remember whether I used a condom or not and I wouldn't blame him one bit if he changed his mind about giving me another chance after that. But now we were planning to go to the movies and maybe dinner too and I was ridiculously excited and I vowed to myself I wouldn't do anything to fuck it up.

The week crawled by and of course we saw each other in class and spent time together over lunch or in the library, but most of what we talked about was connected to school or my therapy, which was reduced to one session a week now - a joint one with Dad. The first had gone well and Esme was sure that she would be signing us off in another week or two. We had learned to communicate properly and for the first time since I'd been a kid, I felt like I could tell my father things and he would listen. Both of us had begun to accept the loss of Michael and found we could talk about the good memories we had of him without everything coming back to his death and the reason for it. I continued talking to him by writing in the journal, but my thoughts were more positive than most of what I had written in it in six years.

Finally Friday arrived and after an hour's study and two hours working in the book store, I went home to shower, shave and change. I even dragged out Mom's ironing board and made efforts to iron a shirt until Caroline interrupted.

"Tyler, why are you _ironing?"_ she said in an incredulous tone.

"I'm going out, I don't want to look like I slept in this."

"You're putting more wrinkles in it than there were to start with. Let me do it."

I moved out of the way and watched as my sister ironed the shirt in a brisk and efficient fashion that she had clearly copied from Mom. In minutes it looked brand new.

"So where are you going?" Caroline asked as she handed it to me.

"The movies with Jacob. Maybe dinner."

"You have a date?" She beamed from ear to ear.

"Yes, it's a date. Don't get too excited, we're starting right back at the beginning."

"You're excited," she smirked. "You shaved too."

"Well, maybe I want to make a good impression for once."

I went to put the shirt on along with dress pants and shoes rather than my usual jeans and sneakers. I was to meet Jacob at the movie theatre at seven and I left the house at six-thirty to get the subway, my heart racing and a knot of nerves in my stomach. I felt like a kid going on his first date and as much as I told myself to chill, that everything would be ok, I worried that somehow I would mess up, do or say something that he wouldn't like, or I simply wouldn't know what to say to him at all. By the time I reached the theatre I was tugging my hands through my hair at intervals and sincerely wishing I still smoked.

Jacob was already there, leaning against the wall just outside the entrance, an enormous ad for the movie pasted to the brick facade behind him. He was dressed similarly to me - dark pants and a shirt although his was white where mine was blue. The shirt was open a few inches at the neck, the white fabric contrasting with his caramel skin, his hands casually stuck in his pants pockets. He looked hot - he was always hot, but right now he was mouthwateringly so. I licked my lips and headed towards him, smiling in response to the wide grin he gave me.

"Hey, Tyler."

"Hey; did I keep you waiting?"

"No, I'm early. You look good."

"Thanks, so do you."

"The movie starts in thirty minutes, I already bought tickets," he said. "It's the last day they're showing it; there probably won't be that many people in there."

"Do you want some snacks?" I offered. "Popcorn or something?"

"Yeah," Jacob said at once.

"Which kind? I like..."

"Salted," we both said together and he grinned again.

I relaxed slightly as I went to buy a bucket of popcorn and a large coke to share and then we went into the theatre showing 'The Fast and The Furious' and took seats a couple rows from the back. Less than a dozen other people were in there and only one more couple entered before the lights dimmed and the trailers began to run. None of them looked particularly interesting to me although Jacob commented that he wanted to see the 'Lord of the Rings' movie due out in a few weeks.

"Yeah, it looks cool," I agreed.

"Tyler, I know you don't like Tolkein," Jacob said at once. "Just be yourself."

"Sorry, I just...I guess I'm not sure how to act. Do you realise we never really went on a date before?"

"I know and it didn't do us much good. This is supposed to be a new start so we have to try and not keep thinking about what happened before. As far as I'm concerned, we got it out in the open and it's done, or as much as it can be; now we go forward. You don't have to try to please me all the time. I feel the same, you know. I don't really know how to behave with you. We lived together and suddenly we're on a first date."

"I keep thinking I'll say or do something you won't like," I confessed.

"What if you do? Who's to say I won't do something that upsets you? We have a lot to learn about each other. We fell into all the serious stuff at the drop of a hat and never did the fun part where people get to know each other without any pressure of all the other shit we had."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." I let out a huge sigh of relief and my nervousness began to evaporate. It would be ok; I just needed to be myself and stop tiptoeing around him. I slouched back in the seat, pulled my feet up and rested them on the one in front, then shovelled a handful of popcorn into my mouth.

"You are gonna give me some of that, right?" Jacob teased. "If you don't share you won't want dinner."

I passed the bucket to him. "We are going for dinner then?"

"If you can behave to the end of the movie," he said with a slight frown. "Joking! I was wondering if you'd take me to that Mexican place you went with your Dad."

"Dos Caminos? Really?"

"Yeah, I love Mexican."

"Me too."

We both enjoyed the movie; fast cars, drama, some humour and we agreed by the end that Vince was hotter than Dom, but probably lacking a few brain cells. We left the theatre in a much more relaxed state than we went in, laughing together and discussing whether to walk to the restaurant or take the subway. We walked there and found Dos Caminos already packed, although a few people seemed to be coming to the end of their meals. We sat at the bar and drank beer until a table became available, then nibbled the free nachos while studying the menu.

"I'm surprised your Dad came in here, it doesn't seem like the kind of place he would like," Jacob said.

"It isn't, I think he had to steel himself not to wrinkle his nose," I grinned. "He was just trying to show me he was willing to make an effort if I would."

"I'm glad you get along with him now."

"How's your Dad? And your sister?" I asked suddenly. "I'm sorry I haven't asked after them."

"It's ok; they're fine. Dad is actually listening to his doc. He gave up fried everything and some of his friends are helping him out with things. My sister's still in plaster, but she's ok, It'll take them a long time to get over the baby."

"I'm sorry." I reached across the table and grasped his hand automatically and then froze, unsure of whether or not he wanted me touching him, even with something as casual as holding his hand.

"Thanks."

He turned his hand over slowly and laced his fingers with mine and I squeezed more firmly, relieved.

"So, what's the best thing on the menu here?" he asked me.

"Steak fajitas," I said without hesitation. "Maybe stuffed chillis to start?"

"Sounds good, I'll go for that. Do you want to get cocktails too?"

We didn't leave the restaurant until after midnight, lingering over the food and a number of margaritas and then heading out a little unsteadily to the nearest subway station. We had to get the same train although Jacob's stop was before mine and we travelled the few minutes in companionable silence. The evening had been amazing; we had talked for hours, about things we did as kids, what we wanted from our futures, things that had happened to us in between. It was ridiculous how little we actually knew about each other and starting the way we had done was clearly going to be the best way forward, if there was a future for us together.

The train began to slow for Jacob's stop and I stayed still, leaning against the side of the train beside the door, unsure how he would want to say goodbye to me. I longed for him to kiss me and I tried not to keep looking at his soft, full lips, remembering how they felt on mine, but I wouldn't let myself move even an inch towards him. I doubted he would want that yet.

"Do you want to do something Sunday?" he asked suddenly. "I'm going to a game in the afternoon with Jasper; don't say you'll come too because I know you hate baseball..."

"I wasn't going to," I grinned.

"We could have brunch before?" He stepped closer to me and gripped the pole next to me as the train lurched slightly.

"Ok, but let's go somewhere different than the diner I used to go with Michael," I said. "I don't go there any more. I can talk to him anywhere I happen to be."

"Dina's then?" Jacob suggested.

It was a well known and popular diner not far from college that did some of the best brunches in the city, including the infamous biscuits and gravy that I loved and Dad looked down his nose at; or at least he had done at one time. I agreed to meet Jacob there at ten and then the train squealed to a halt and the doors slid open.

"See you Sunday," I said casually.

"Yeah."

He paused for a second and I held my breath, surprised when he leaned towards me and brushed his warm lips against my cheek.

"Bye, Tyler."

In another moment he was gone and the train was moving again and I was grinning stupidly to myself, not caring if one of the few other passengers were looking at me. It was going to be alright.

We began to see each other regularly after that weekend. The brunch date had lasted hours until Jacob had to run to make the ballgame and from then on we went out each Friday night and often hung out doing something more casual either Saturday after we finished work, or Sunday. Jacob even came over to the house for Sunday lunch one weekend and delighted Caroline by bringing her a book on art.

Nothing physical happened between us. I didn't expect it to or want it with the threat of the test hanging over my head, but he held my hand and kissed me goodbye each time we parted and a couple times he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. I didn't make any of the moves myself, except to slide my hand into his sometimes and there was still part of me worrying that he thought I was dirty and I dreaded finding out that I had caught something from that girl. If that happened, I was pretty sure this new, tentative start we had would be stopped in its tracks.

Esme signed Dad and me off two sessions after my first date with Jacob and told us both to call her should we feel the need in the future. However, Dad later instructed me to talk to him if anything bothered me, however big or small it might be. He was determined to be there for both me and Caroline from now on and if either of us had some kind of problem we didn't know how to fix, he wanted to be able to take the burden. So far I had refrained from telling him about my predicament, but as mid-November approached and I progressively became more tense and anxious, he grilled me until I confessed.

"It's nothing," I said at first and received a determined frown in response.

"Tyler, don't try to fool me. Something's on your mind. I told you that you can come to me with anything, even if it's...I don't know, problems with your...Jacob."

"It's not that," I said at once, feeling my face redden.

"So what is it?"

"Don't worry about it; you're busy," I prevaricated, eyeing the laptop in front of him. We were in his apartment, me staring blankly at one of my school books and not reading a word and him working.

"Not so busy I can't listen to you." He pushed the laptop lid down firmly.

"I have to get a test," I blurted.

"What kind of test?"

"Ugh...Dad...that girl I slept with before I split with Jacob...she was a bit of a tramp."

"You didn't use protection?" His brows drew further together in disapproval and I sighed.

"I was drunk, I don't think so. I know, I'm a jerk, I was screwed up back then, but it's done and now I have to deal with it."

"When was this?" Dad asked.

"August...you know, right before I...was in hospital. You have to wait three months before they can do the test." I dragged a hand through my hair and groaned.

"Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"There was no point, you couldn't have done anything."

"But I could support you. Have you got an appointment to get it done?"

"Not yet," I sighed.

"Then I'll arrange it privately. I don't want you going to that clinic."

"Dad, you don't have to do that," I protested. "Anyway, your private doc doesn't do things like that."

"He'll do whatever I pay him to do," Dad said firmly, picking up his phone.

Grimacing, I listened while he spoke to his doctor's assistant and made me an appointment for Friday morning after the single lecture I had that day finished.

"I'll pick you up from school," he said when he ended the call.

"Thanks." I did actually feel marginally better about it, having him willing to accompany me and I realised I'd been dreading going to the clinic and sitting there amongst a bunch of other unfortunate people waiting for my name to be called.

The rest of the week seemed endless and the worst of it was that I knew even after I gave the blood sample, I was still going to have to wait maybe a week for the results and the closer it got to the appointment, the more convinced I became that it was going to result in me receiving a letter that said 'positive' in capital letters.

Dad's car was waiting in front of the college for me when my lecture finished. I had no idea what it had been about and had simply written aimless notes, my head down, trying to look convincingly engrossed in case Jacob glanced in my direction. I hadn't mentioned to him what I was doing that morning, despite our previous discussion about it. There was no point him worrying about it too, although I guessed he probably was anyway. He knew how long it was since I fucked up. I had told him earlier I was going straight home after class to study and would see him later on.

Dad's doctor was free when we arrived at the hospital and we were shown straight into his private surgery. I imagined he would merely take a blood sample, possibly lecture me about safe sex and send me on my way, but it turned out to be a more lengthy and hideously embarrassing appointment. After the blood was taken, I was invited to step behind the curtain partitioning off part of the room, remove my clothes and be examined physically.

"Ugh...do I have to?" I groaned.

"Yes, you do," Dad said firmly. "You want to be sure, don't you?"

I shuddered and went to do as I was told, squeezing my eyes shut and grinding my teeth when my cock was examined by latex-covered fingers and a cold implement that felt like a pair of tongs. Dad couldn't see what was going on, but he could hear the questions I was asked afterwards; whether I was particularly promiscuous, whether I was in the habit of having unprotected sex and if I had anal sex.

"No!" I growled in response to this last question.

"You mentioned you have a boyfriend..."

"Yeah, well...we don't do...that. Didn't...well, he didn't."

I scrambled back into my clothes, shoving my penis, which had shrunk to half its usual size in shame, quickly into my pants and praying that the shiny tiles under my feet would open up and swallow me. I should have come on my own. I should have asked Dad to wait outside. I should have refused the damned appointment and gone to the clinic instead. I just knew that my Dad was trying not to think about me fucking Jacob at that moment and I cringed as the doctor whisked the curtain aside.

Dad was sitting there with his legs crossed, his face blank.

"Are we done?" he asked calmly.

"Yes, I'll have the results for you tomorrow," the doctor said.

"That quick?" My embarrassment quickly faded. "I thought it would be a week..."

"That's the usual turnaround for the clinic," the doc smiled. "I'll have my assistant call your father as soon as they come back from the lab."

"Thanks, Andrew," Dad nodded.

Minutes later we were heading briskly back to the car.

"I'm sorry about...um..." I muttered.

"It doesn't matter, Tyler, it had to be done," was all he said. "Hopefully tomorrow will be the end of it."

I didn't work at the book store that afternoon. I hid in my room at Dad's apartment while he had a business meeting in the dining room and eventually I called Jacob to cancel the usual Friday evening with him. I'd thought it would take my mind off things, but I knew I wouldn't be able to hide my tension and things would just be awkward between us. I didn't mean to tell him why, but I would have to tell him after I got the results and then he'd know anyway.

"I got the test today," I said quickly. "My Dad went with me."

"Oh! Well, I guess it's soon going to be over then. The waiting."

"Tomorrow. I saw my Dad's private doc, so I don't have to wait."

"That's good. I'm glad your Dad's there for you."

"Yeah, I'm staying at his place tonight," I told him. "Sorry, I don't feel much like doing anything."

"It's alright."

It wasn't alright, I thought when I hung up. If I had anything, even something minor, I'd be too ashamed and he would probably be too disgusted to want to carry on. For the hundredth time I cursed myself for being so stupid, so careless and risking so much. I'd been a complete mess then, but nothing was an excuse for drinking so much that I didn't know what I was doing, or _who_ I was doing.

I tossed and turned that night, unable to sleep, thinking of the worst case scenario and convincing myself I'd ruined my life and that I would end up joining Michael sooner rather than later, despite my initial failure in trying to do just that. By the time I got up and showered the next morning, I looked as terrible as I felt and I sat nursing a cold cup of coffee until nine-thirty when Dad's phone rang and he passed it to me, announcing that it was the doctor. I took the phone silently and put it to my ear, my heart hammering.

"Tyler, I have the results of your test. Normally, I wouldn't do this over the phone, but as a favour to your father..."

"Go on," I gritted out impatiently.

"Everything returned negative. I'll have it confirmed to you in writing."

"Thanks," I said numbly.

Negative? I closed my eyes as I ended the call, ridiculously feeling like I might burst into tears. I was ok; I wasn't going to lose Jacob. That was all I could think about. I didn't have to tell him what he was probably dreading hearing as much as I had been.

"Tyler?" Dad sat down next to me and touched my shoulder. "What is it?"

I shook my head wordlessly.

"Tell me. Whatever it is, we can handle it."

"It's nothing. I mean...I'm fine. All clear," I said shakily.

"Then what are you crying about?"

"Shit." I wiped my wet face. "Relief. Um...I need to call Jacob. He'll be wondering..."

"Of course. Do you want some fresh coffee?" He took the cold mug from the table in front of me and I nodded and pulled out my cellphone. Jacob would be at work, but I knew he wouldn't mind taking this call.

"Tyler." He answered almost immediately. "Are you ok?"

"Yes. I'm fine. Negative," I said briefly.

"Awesome." I could almost hear his sigh of relief. "So...do you want to do something later? Go out, or...?"

"You know, I really just want to stay in," I said quietly.

"Oh. Ok. Well, maybe tomorrow?" he suggested, sounding disappointed.

"No, I mean, I want to stay in, but maybe you could come over? We could get takeout or something."

"What, at your Dad's? Won't he mind?"

"No, he'll be fine."

"Alright, well, I'll come over around six, is that ok?"

"Yes."

"I'm really glad, Tyler," he said then. "I know how stressed you've been about this; I have too. I kind of avoided talking about it."

"Yeah, well I didn't expect you to want to dwell on the situation I put myself in. I'm still beating myself up over it."

"Don't. We're gonna have to put it behind us now. Look, I have to go, my boss wants me. I'll see you tonight."

"Jake!" I took a deep breath. I hadn't said this since our meeting in the park weeks before and nor had he; it was as if we really had gone back to the beginning. "I love you," I said.

"Me too. I'll say it properly when I'm not being listened to."

I laughed and when I hung up I had a genuine smile on my face. The past few months weren't going to suddenly vanish as if they had never happened, but at least the worst was over and Jacob and I could at last stop treading water and begin to be a proper couple again.


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N - If you're looking for more great reading material, one of my favourite authors, SoundShield11, has just started a new story, "Sins of the Father"; go check it out! :o)**

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

**Jacob's POV**

I almost sagged with relief when I ended the call to Tyler. He got the all clear and it meant we had no further troubles to deal with, at least in that department. I wasn't sure what I would have done if he'd found out he had caught something from that girl. I knew I loved him, but there was only so much I could take and maybe that would have put the nail in the coffin for us. So far I'd been able to write off what he did as a drunken night where he didn't even know what he was doing, but a lingering reminder, possibly a serious one, would have prevented me from shoving it to the back of my mind and moving forward and if I'd had to worry about my own health, I doubted I would have wanted to.

Now I did shove it to the back of mind to concentrate on work. The shop had taken in more work than usual that week and one of the permanent guys was home sick, meaning they really needed me to buckle down. As it was I ended up staying all day instead of just part of it and then rushing home to shower and change. I was excited to see Tyler, but a little uneasy about spending time with him in his father's apartment. Still, maybe it was for the best. Our living arrangements currently meant we weren't going to get much privacy and it would be all too easy to use Tyler's test results as a green light to jump straight back into bed at the first opportunity without letting things progress at their own pace. Nothing was going to happen with Charles Hawkins or Emmett within hearing distance and that was probably a good thing. It had been weeks since we'd been having these casual dates with nothing more than a light kiss goodbye at the end, but it had seemed like treading water.

"Jake! Get out of the fucking shower before you use all the hot water!" Emmett bellowed from outside the door, hammering on it with his fist at the same time.

"Yeah, alright, I'm coming!"

"You better not be jerking off in there, Black!" was the response.

"Fuck off, Emmett!" I called back, scrubbing myself quickly. I had been standing under the hot water thinking about Tyler and now I hurried, dried myself off and dragged on the clean clothes I had brought with me.

"Going out?" Emmett questioned when I emerged.

"Yeah, don't I always go out Fridays?"

"It's Saturday and yesterday you stayed in," my room mate smirked. "Where's your head at?"

"I guess I lost track of time, it's been a busy week," I muttered.

"Got a date?"

"Emmett, you don't want to hear about that so don't pretend you do."

"I guess it surprises me you're still with Hawkins Junior. As well as him being a complete screw-up, aren't gay guys supposed to screw around the whole time?"

"Some do, some don't, same as anybody," I answered mildly. "I guess if you want to put it like that, you must be gay too."

"Fuck off!" Emmett growled, visibly shuddering.

I grinned at him. "You brought that one on yourself. So, have you got a date?"

"What do you think?"

"Who is it this time? New cheerleader? Teacher?"

It was no secret that Emmett had managed to bed an agency teacher who had been working at the college for a few weeks; he had taken great delight in boasting about the fact that she was a 'cougar' unable to resist his charms.

"Nah, it's...um...she's called Rose."

I tried to think of someone called Rose while I grabbed shoes, wallet, keys, phone and a jacket and came up with nothing.

"Rose?" I queried. "Is she a student?"

"Yes, business management. You know, Ros_alie?_ Blonde, tall, curvy..."

I snorted at this. Rosalie and Emmett were chalk and cheese. She was cool, aloof, evil-tempered and would no doubt castrate him if he treated her the way he had any of his previous conquests.

"You better not fuck with her, Emmett, you'll be singing like Betty Boop for the rest of your life."

"Jerk," Emmett said a touch sheepishly.

"How'd you get a date with her anyway?" I wondered.

"I asked, what do you think?"

"Fair enough, it's your funeral. Guess I'll be looking for a new room mate soon. I'm out of here."

I left him to it and went to catch the subway, texting Tyler to let him know I was on my way. It was already almost the time I should have arrived there and I knew he still wasn't one hundred per cent confident about us. However, it only took me another twenty minutes to reach his father's apartment and I gave my name to the security guard at the desk in the lobby. He was expecting me and escorted me to the elevator, punching the appropriate button for Charles Hawkins' floor before the doors closed. Tyler was standing in the open doorway waiting for me when I got off the elevator and I strode towards him.

"Hey." He looked a little nervous and it occurred to me that he hadn't really relaxed and been completely himself with me over the past few weeks since we first went to the movies and then the Mexican restaurant. It was as if he constantly worried he would do or say something wrong and despite having told him to just relax about it, he didn't seem able to do that.

"Hey, sorry I'm late."

"It's ok. Um...my Dad's out; he's taking Caroline to some show on Broadway."

"That's great, I bet she'll love it." I was glad his father wouldn't be breathing down our necks all evening and now as I closed the door behind me, I caught Tyler's arm and halted him before he shot away from me into the lounge. "Come here, say hello to me properly."

He turned towards me and stepped closer, leaning in to give me a light kiss on the lips before he drew back again, halted only by my hand gripping his arm. I stroked my thumb over the inside of his wrist and he breathed in quickly and licked his lips. He was even more awkward than usual and although I guessed it was because of the test, even though the results had been a relief, but I wasn't totally sure. I caught his other hand and tugged him closer to me.

"Talk to me," I said quietly. "I want to be sure this is really what you want."

"It is!" he exclaimed immediately. "I just...I don't want to assume that just because I'm ok, we can go back to how we were. I didn't think you'd want that straight away, but I guess I don't know whether to just be sort of casual like we have been recently, or...anything more."

"You can be a little more than that." I gave him a smile. "I was thinking the same kind of thing earlier. It's not going to go back to how it was straight away, it wouldn't seem right, but we can at least take a few steps in that direction."

I let go of his hands and rested mine on his hips instead as I brushed my lips against his. His eyes closed slowly and a soft sigh came from him, his hands lifting to hold onto my neck. My heart quickened its pace as I kissed him again, caressing his lips until they parted and he began to respond properly, his mouth hot and eager, a deep moan rumbling from his throat as I thrust my tongue in. I slid my arms around his waist and held him tighter against me, feeling my blood rush to my groin almost immediately. He wasn't hard, but as I continued kissing him deeply, tongues thrusting together, lips crushed against teeth, I felt movement against my thigh as his cock began to grow. I broke the kiss reluctantly, withdrawing my tongue and slowing it down with breathless little touches of lips as I loosened my hold on him and opened my eyes. His face was flushed, eyes sparkling and I grinned at him.

"So...um...we should maybe think about dinner?" As I spoke, my stomach rumbled loudly and Tyler laughed.

"What do you want?"

_'You'._

"Uh...anything. Pizza."

"I doubt Dad has a pizza menu," grinned Tyler. "But I guess we could just order from Mario's, I think their number's in my phone."

Mario's was one of the best pizza restaurants in Manhattan - one we had used a number of times when we lived together in my old apartment. We had often shared a fifteen inch deep dish pizza pie, loaded with pepperoni, salami, spicy meatballs, peppers, onions and a large quantity of chillis.

"If it's not, it's in mine," I agreed, pulling my phone out. "Nuclear meatfeast?"

"What else? And garlic bread. Dad will probably want to fumigate the place later, but what the hell."

I ordered garlic bread with cheese and a fifteen inch nuclear meatfeast, which the restaurant advised would be delivered in an hour. While we waited, we searched the several hundred channels on Tyler's Dad's sixty inch television for something to watch and decided on 'Predator'. That movie would never get old and boring and we threw ourselves onto the large sofa, shoes off and feet on the table in front, Tyler's left arm and thigh pressing against my right side, the way we had often sat previously. After a few minutes I grasped his hand and laced our fingers together, resting the combined fist on my leg. It felt good, better than ever before now there didn't seem to be anything in our way to spoil it. Tyler had accepted the loss of Michael, his relationship with his father was pretty much healed, the test that had hung over us was out of the way and I found I could put it into the past. It was still going to take time to forget that he'd tried to take his own life and the horror of finding him that way, but I wasn't worrying that it might happen again. He was a different person to what he had been during the first time around for us and I thought that this time we had a good chance of working out.

The pizza arrived halfway through the movie and in the absence of beer, Tyler opened a bottle of his Dad's wine which we drank from fancy crystal glasses. Surprisingly red wine went well with the spicy feast and afterwards we sprawled, bloated, on the sofa while watching the second 'Predator' movie which followed the first. Tyler cleared away the pizza boxes afterwards and I glanced at the clock. It was just after ten, but Tyler had said it would likely be at least eleven before his father returned after taking Caroline home. Enough time for some more kisses before I took my leave and my pulse quickened as I waited for him to come back into the room. When he did I caught his hand and pulled him down beside me on the couch, cupping his face with my free hand and guiding his lips to mine.

"Mmm." He began to respond warmly at once, lips parting, tongue snaking out to seek mine, the stubble on his face grazing my chin, his hand on the back of my neck, gripping tight. It felt so good kissing him again, being with him properly. I wanted more; I wanted him closer and I slid my free arm around him, tugging him tighter against me, releasing a moan into his mouth as my cock began to stir again in my pants. I was sitting right on the edge of the sofa and I moved backwards, pulling Tyler with me. He broke the kiss briefly, changing position, swinging a leg over mine and kneeling astride my thighs, lowering his head to resume kissing me. I wrapped both arms around his waist, drawing him closer so that our upper bodies pressed together and I could feel his growing hardness against my own. My hands stroked up and down his back and I slid one under his loose shirt, touching warm, firm flesh. My erection strained uncomfortably against my zipper and I wriggled my butt on the seat, trying to relieve the pressure and at the same time grinding myself against him. I moved my hand down his back to his waistband and then lower to his jean-clad buttocks, squeezing and stroking as my imagination began to run away with me and I found myself thinking about things we hadn't even considered doing; things I hadn't done for a very long time and hadn't thought I wanted to.

I imagined us in this same position, but without the annoying layers of clothes separating our flesh. His body moulded to mine, the hair on his chest tickling my skin, his firm thighs gripping mine, his cock nudging my stomach, begging for attention while I ignored it and grabbed a condom, rolling it onto myself rather than him, guiding myself under him; into him. Would he want that? Did I, or was it just that I was so desperately aroused; aching to come? I tore my mouth from his, panting.

"Fuck," I muttered breathlessly.

"We should probably...stop before my Dad gets back," Tyler gasped.

"Yeah."

He slid off of me and adjusted his jeans and I did the same, grimacing at the feel of dampness in my shorts. Another few minutes of kissing him like that, having him grinding on my lap and I would have come in my pants. Tyler went to make some coffee and I struggled unsuccessfully to stop thinking about it. My erection stubbornly refused to subside and it was going to be quite a while before I could relieve myself.

Charles returned twenty minutes later just as we were finishing the coffees and much to my relief, his surprising good humour and apparent eagerness to tell us how much Caroline enjoyed 'The Lion King' at last took my mind off my cock and it softened rapidly. I left shortly after and took the subway home, finding the apartment empty which I was glad about. Emmett was clearly still out with Rosalie and the thought of him with her still amused me. I expected him to return with his tail between his legs, but I quickly forgot about him as I went to my room and relived the evening in my head.

I could still almost taste Tyler's mouth and I closed my door, stripped off my clothes and stretched out on the bed, my cock immediately growing rigid as I thought about him sitting on my lap, his body grinding against mine, his arousal as obvious as my own, the sound of his moans muffled by my mouth. I reached down to grasp my erection firmly, stroking the other hand over my chest and tweaking one of my nipples between finger and thumb, imagining Tyler's mouth there, his teeth nipping the hardening nub.

"God, I want you," I muttered to myself.

I released my cock temporarily and grabbed the lube from my bed table, squeezing some into my palm and slicking it onto my erection so that my hand slid smoothly up and down. I tightened my grip, imagining Tyler kneeling over me, lowering his tight hole onto me, muscles squeezing my length. I had only ever fucked Paul and it had only been a handful of times. I had always preferred to bottom, but for some reason, suddenly I was thinking about doing it with Tyler and I wondered how receptive he would be to it. I remembered when we had first started making out he seemed to assume I would top and the idea hadn't appeared to worry him. Maybe it could just be an occasional thing.

I moved my hand faster, reaching down to cup my balls at the same time, tugging on them for a moment before I picked up the lube again, coating my fingers and pushing one into myself, quickly adding a second, groaning in discomfort. It had been months; I hadn't touched myself this way since before Tyler moved out of my apartment and I moaned loudly as pleasure began to push away the slight pain. I pumped my cock harder, lifting my hips rhythmically off the mattress to fuck my fist, my muscles clenching around my fingers as my orgasm approached. I came hard, thick strings of cum shooting out of me onto my belly and chest, my groans filling the room. Releasing my cock and withdrawing my fingers, I picked up my discarded shorts to wipe myself, panting for breath and then freezing as I heard a loud cough. Emmett was home! I hadn't even heard him come in and I hoped to God he didn't have Rosalie with him.

"Yeah, I can hear you!" I called shakily, feeling my face heat up.

"Whole fucking block can probably hear you!" Emmett responded. "Is he here?"

"No," I snorted, suddenly finding amusement in the situation and wondering how long he had been listening and grimacing.

"Don't know whether that's a relief or just fucking sad, that you go on a date and come home and jerk off."

"Jeez, Emmett."

"Going to bed," he announced after a slight pause and a moment later his door closed loudly.

I rubbed my hands over my red face and told myself not to worry about it. It wasn't as if I never heard Emmett doing exactly the same thing in his room, fairly regularly joined by the exaggerated cries of some girl he'd brought home, trying to fake her way into his affections. I was already up making coffee the next morning when my room mate staggered, bleary-eyed, from his room.

"Pour me one," he grunted and I quickly handed him a mug.

"So, no Rosalie this morning?"

"No and thank fuck I didn't bring her back; I don't think she'd have been too delighted to hear your performance."

I just grinned. "Emmett, you beat off every chance you get if you haven't got a girl with you," I pointed out. "So...I'm guessing the date didn't soften her up then?"

"Actually, I'm taking her out for the day." Suddenly he beamed from ear to ear. "She's pretty awesome."

"Don't tell me you actually like one of your conquests," I teased.

"Well, she's not a conquest, yet. I'm not gonna do that to her; I mean, fuck with her."

"She wouldn't let you."

"Is it so hard for you to believe that I might actually like her?" Emmett frowned.

"Yeah, pretty much. Even before I knew you Jasper used to say you'd only take girls out long enough to get into their panties and then it was onto the next. You said more or less the same yourself about the cheerleader girl, remember?"

"Which cheerleader?"

"Any of them. So, what could you and Rosalie possibly have in common?"

"All sorts; you'd be surprised."

"Very. Good luck with that."

Emmett just looked smug and I wondered if the college Lothario could actually have found a girl that would mean something to him.

"So how did things go with Hawkins? And his Dad?"

"His Dad was out with his sister."

"Uh huh. Ok, no need to say any more." Emmett wrinkled his nose.

"We just got pizza and watched the 'Predator' movies," I told him.

"Sure. So what are you doing today?"

I just shrugged. I hadn't made plans with Tyler or Jasper and Alice and now realising Emmett was going out again, I knew I was going to call Tyler. My pulse quickened and I waited impatiently for Emmett to get ready and go out. Luckily Rose apparently wanted an early start and despite it only being nine-thirty, he was running out the door looking part anxious and part excited, a state I'd never seen him get into over a girl. Smirking, I pulled my phone out, wondering if Tyler was up.

"Jake!" he exclaimed after a moment, sounding a touch breathless.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Um...nothing much."

"You're out of breath," I remarked and he laughed quietly.

"Yeah, well, I guess last night's on my mind."

Immediately I had a picture of him in my head, naked on his bed with his cock in one hand and the phone in the other. My own cock twitched in my pants and my rapid heartbeat stuttered.

"Uh...do you want to come over?"

"What about Emmett?"

"He's not here, he went out to spend the day with a girl. He found one he actually seems to like."

"Sure...um...I'll just get a shower, then I'll be right there," Tyler said at once.

"Ok. See you soon."

I hung up and went to take a shower myself. I was ridiculously excited and also nervous. I wasn't going to sleep with him, I told myself. Not yet, but there was no doubt something would happen. I was painfully hard after the brief conversation in which he admitted vaguely to having been jerking off and I did the same thing in the shower, not wanting to greet him with a raging hard-on when he arrived and knowing it wasn't going to go away if I didn't make myself come. When I finished I pulled on clean jersey shorts, cut-offs and a thin t-shirt and paced barefoot around the apartment while I waited for Tyler. My heart raced, I sweated, dragged my hands through my hair and willed myself not to get hard again. I wanted him, probably more than I ever had before and this time we had done things right. We got to know each other; talked, laughed, hung out and went on dates. All of the other shit seemed further in the past than it really was and my excitement now told me it was all going to be ok. We could be together and it _would _work.

The buzzer sounded and I shot across the room to answer, letting Tyler in quickly and then waiting with the door open for the elevator to halt on my floor. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt with an unfastened checkered shirt over the top - something I was long used to seeing him wear.

"Hey," I almost gasped.

"You sound as breathless as I did earlier," he grinned. "Up to something while you waited?"

"No, just...looking forward to seeing you." I backed out of the way to let him in and closed the door.

"Come here and say hello properly," he said, copying my own words from yesterday.

I moved closer, touched his face briefly and then crashed my lips onto his. At once he was responding, his lips parting, tongue thrusting out into my mouth as mine did the same, a groan leaving him as I slid both arms around him and pulled him tight against me, pressing our lower bodies harder together as my cock quickly rose again inside my loose-fitting pants. Tyler's hands slipped under my shirt, stroking over my back, the fingers of one dipping below my waistband and brushing the top of my butt. I manoeuvred us slowly towards the couch, our mouths and bodies never parting until we lowered ourselves into a tangle of arms and legs on the cushions, Tyler underneath, me holding my weight off of him as much as I could with elbows and knees while in turn, he determinedly pulled me down onto him, his body writhing under me, the hardness behind his zipper repeatedly nudging mine. I had to at least get my hands on him and have him touch me or I felt I would explode and I lifted myself up again reluctantly. He opened his eyes slowly and stared up at me.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just want to know you really want to move things forward."

"I do," he said quietly. "I want you. I love you."

"I love you too," I smiled, peeling my t-shirt off quickly over my head and tossing it away behind me. "Get undressed."


	23. Chapter 23

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

**Tyler's POV**

I had been delighted when Jacob called me so early. We hadn't arranged when we would see each other again when he left the night before and after our heated kisses, it had only been my father's arrival that temporarily squashed my physical excitement. As soon as I got to my room I was hard again and I had jerked off twice before I was finally able to sleep and then again in the morning. I had just finished when Jake called and my breathlessness gave me away. I had showered rapidly, dragged on the first items of clothing I could find and raced out of the apartment without even bothering to drink coffee. Dad was already up doing something on his computer and I had called out briefly that I was going to see Jacob as I ran for the door.

Now I was here and I hadn't expected him to be quite as eager as he was. Within seconds of me arriving he was kissing me like he meant to devour me and then suddenly we were on the couch, his body pressing me down into the cushions, his cock hard against mine through several irritating layers of clothing. When he pulled back again and sat up I thought he wanted to slow things down, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

"Get undressed."

He had already dragged his t-shirt off over his head and tossed it across the room and now he stood up and unfastened his cut-offs, letting them fall to his ankles and revealing those damned tight jersey shorts he always wore underneath, his obvious erection straining against the fabric, the tip forcing the waistband away from his belly.

"Fuck," I muttered.

I was aching. It had been so long and jerking off just didn't cut it most of the time. I sat up quickly and shrugged out of my shirt, then pulled my t-shirt off and dropped both onto the floor. Jacob lowered his shorts, shoving them down over his thighs and kicking them off, his thick shaft curving against his stomach, the purple head leaking. I heard myself whimper as I fumbled to unfasten my jeans, scrambling to my feet and pushing my shorts down along with them as I swiftly stepped out of my shoes and tugged my socks off. Jake had already returned to the couch and was watching me, his face level with my crotch and I stepped closer, my heart racing in anticipation and slight nervousness. I didn't know how far he wanted to go with things, but right now if he would just touch me it would be enough, at least for the moment.

He reached out and grabbed me by the hips, drawing me closer and sliding his hands around to squeeze my butt while he pressed his face against me, his cheek touching my cock and his nose in my pubic hair.

"I missed you," he murmured.

"I missed you too."

I rested my hands on his shoulders and then slid them around to the back of his neck. My erection twitched eagerly and he pulled his head back and placed a kiss on the tip, then slid his tongue out slowly and circled it. I groaned and dug my nails into his shoulder muscles. Despite having jerked off not too long before, I knew I was going to disgrace myself by coming as fast as I had the first time he ever touched me. My balls were aching, already tight up against my body and my cock throbbed and oozed pre-cum. I was on the point of begging him to just get hold of it when suddenly his mouth opened and he lowered his head, drawing me deep into his throat, his tongue stroking me, teeth gently scraping and I shuddered and groaned. Slowly he pulled back, releasing half my length before taking it all in again and I moaned louder, my knees shaking. One more time he pulled back and this time released me completely.

"Lie down again, I want to try something."

I was quick to comply, relieved not to have to try keeping on my feet as my orgasm lurked, just a little out of reach. I sprawled out on my back, my legs parted, one drawn up against the back of the couch and the other dangling off the edge of the cushions. Jacob wrapped one hand around my erection and began to pump it tormentingly slowly while he stuck his index and middle finger into his mouth and sucked on them, lubricating them with saliva. I drew my breath in sharply, my heart slamming against my ribs as he reached down, rubbing one finger over my perineum and then slowly circling my hole. I moaned and squirmed as the tip pushed against me, my muscles clenched, stopping him proceeding any further.

"I won't do this if you don't want," Jacob said softly.

"No...please...I want you to," I panted, blowing out a shaky breath and forcing myself to relax.

He applied a little more pressure and I felt his finger enter me while his hand quickened on my cock and he bent forward to take it into his mouth again. I tried to breathe slowly and evenly, keeping myself relaxed and fighting to stave off my orgasm as he probed deeper into me, then withdrew almost all the way before re-entering.

"God...more...please..." I groaned.

I expected to feel at least mild discomfort, but the majority of my feelings were concentrated in my cock, which was touching the back of his throat, and my balls which were firm and tight as I wobbled on the edge of orgasm. Jacob carefully began to work a second finger into me and now it did burn as he stretched me, forcing me to open up in a way I wasn't used to. Jacob's mouth released my erection with a soft popping sound and he rubbed his thumb over the tip.

"You ok?"

"Mmm..." I shook my head. "Yeah."

I had to wonder how he would ever be able to fit his cock inside me if he wanted to go that far, if two fingers felt like it was too much. Another deep breath and I felt my shaft being swallowed up by his hot mouth once more while his fingers continued exploring carefully. Then suddenly he touched something within me that overpowered everything else - my prostate and I cried out loudly. Jacob chuckled deep in his throat, vibrating around me and I squirmed helplessly, trying to thrust my cock deeper while at the same time wanting to grind onto his fingers. I clutched at the couch cushions, clenching my fists, panting and writhing as he sucked and rubbed and repeatedly tapped the gland inside me and then I was coming, my orgasm exploding out of me and my heart threatening to burst from my chest. Slowly he withdrew his fingers and his hand stilled, but his mouth continued tugging at me as he sucked the last few drops of cum from me.

"Oh, God...fuck...stop...too sensitive," I panted after a moment and he released me and sat up.

"How was that?" he asked in an amused tone.

"Fuck." I forced my eyelids up and looked at him and he was smirking in a smug way as he slowly stroked himself in front of me. He hadn't gotten anything out of this so far, I realised, and now I just lay there helpless and weak, not sure I could have mustered the energy even to jerk him off. I braced my hands on the cushions and pushed myself up until I sat facing him, brushing my lips against his and tasting myself.

"Do you want to fuck me?" I wasn't sure I had actually said it out loud until I heard his sharp intake of breath and I lifted my eyes to his again. "I know you said you don't usually top, but..."

"Yeah, well maybe just recently I've been thinking about it," he said. "A lot, actually."

"Well, I want to, so..." I turned my face into his neck. "I'm kind of surprised you wanted to do this so fast."

"I didn't intend to, I guess I think we waited long enough. Things are different to what they were before. I want you; I love you; I don't want to waste any more time."

"I love you too," I murmured.

"Let's go to my room; it'll be more comfortable."

Jacob got up quickly and grabbed my hand to pull me up. My legs felt as if the bones had been removed and I wobbled after him into his room and sank onto the wide bed. Jake closed the door and then pulled open a drawer in his bed table, removing lube and condoms and placing them on the top before he lay down facing me. His neglected cock nudged my thigh, smearing wetness onto my skin and I grasped it at last and slowly began stroking him.

"Wait..don't...I'll last seconds if you keep doing that," he protested.

"You'll last seconds anyway; let me make you come first."

I propped myself up on one elbow and grinned down at him, gripping his shaft more firmly around the base and squeezing. He groaned and nodded and I sat up again, moving down the bed so that I could take him in my mouth. I could feel the tension coiled in him, his balls already as tight as mine had been when he started touching me and I cupped them in my free hand, rolling them around and tugging gently as I stroked and sucked his erection. His hips began to rise rhythmically off the bed a few inches as he tried to fuck my mouth and I took both hands off and tucked them under his butt instead, letting him set the pace. The head of his cock repeatedly bumped the back of my throat as he thrust upwards and I could already taste him, pre-cum leaking onto my tongue. He came hard, most of his fluid shooting into my throat, his groans of pleasure filling the room and I released him slowly and lay down beside him again, resting a hand on his chest as it rose and fell rapidly.

We rested a few minutes, not talking, just idly stroking each other, my hand still on his chest and his on my arm, the light touch of his fingers making my hair stand on end and my cock begin to fill again. It nudged his hip and I shifted closer to him, my pulse starting to race as he turned towards me. He kissed me lazily, lips caressing mine and his hand moving slowly down my side to my hip, then rolled me onto my back. I opened my eyes as he drew back suddenly and watched him reach out towards the bed table and grab the bottle of lube. He squeezed out a generous quantity and coated his fingers in it.

"Should have fetched this before," he said.

"I was ok." I slid my legs open and drew my knees up, feet planted apart on the mattress, my heart racing. Jacob's hand reached down and stroked me, the lube cool and slick as he slowly circled my hole and pushed one finger in. I grunted softly and closed my eyes.

"Touch yourself."

I put one hand on my cock immediately, pressing it against my stomach and palming it slowly as a second finger entered me and then both began to thrust in and out, the tips occasionally bumping my prostate as he curled them upwards. I squirmed and panted, trying to resist the urge to begin jerking myself off. Jacob's fingers began scissoring inside me, stretching me until he was able to work a third digit in and I grimaced and stilled my hand.

"Shall I stop?"

"No."

I felt the mattress move as he changed position and then his lips touched my cock, caressing the head teasingly for a couple more minutes until he withdrew his fingers and sat up again. I opened my eyes and watched silently as he ripped open a condom packet and swiftly rolled the rubber onto himself, then began coating his length with a generous amount of lube. He moved between my raised legs and I eyed his erection, quivering in front of him, suddenly seeming impossibly big. Then he was guiding it, pushing the head against me, the first inch or so entering without much difficulty. Slowly he inched forwards and lowered himself over me, holding himself up on elbows and knees, pulling back before pushing in a little further, giving me time to adjust to the feel of him until eventually his hips were flush with mine and he was filling me, deeper than his fingers could go. It hurt, but not too much and when he began to move again slowly, his belly rubbed against my cock, giving it some much needed friction. I slid my arms around him, holding on tight and moving with him, my body automatically beginning to respond to each thrust. It began to feel good; incredible even; full and tight, my nerve endings dancing each time his length dragged over that sensitive spot within me. With each thrust my orgasm drew closer and I could feel Jacob beginning to shake with the effort of holding off. He raised his upper body away from me and gasped out that I should make myself come. I gripped my erection tight, lubricating it with pre-cum and began to pump it quickly as Jacob's cock slammed into me harder and faster.

"Fuck...so close..." he panted. "Come for me!"

A few more seconds and I was spurting onto my own body and into my hand, my muscles clenching tight around him in reflex. He sank lower over me again, his thrusts suddenly erratic and awkward, his groans loud in my ear as I felt him fill the condom and then hold still, his body trembling and slick with sweat. He reached down to grip the rubber and slowly withdrew, knotting and discarding it with shaky hands before pulling a handful of tissues from the box nearby to wipe himself.

"Holy shit," I breathed, my legs sinking slowly down until I lay spread-eagled, my belly sticky with my own fluid, moistness seeping out of me from the lube. Jacob pulled out more tissues and wiped my softening cock and my stomach.

"So? One-off or...?"

"Fuck." I gave him a grin. "Definitely not one-off."

We lay there for a little while, side by side on our backs, not touching or talking, until Jacob suddenly got up and went to the door. Groaning, I sat up.

"Where are you going?"

"Shower. Before Emmett gets back; come on."

We shared the shower, soaping each other slowly, washing away the evidence of what we'd been doing. I had no idea what the time was, but it already seemed as if I'd been with him all day and when we dried off, we returned to his room and collapsed onto the bed, resting and talking.

We talked about everything - where we would go from here, how we felt for each other, what we wanted from the next year after college was done, provided we graduated successfully. We had never really been like this with each other; most of it had been superficial and a lot of it had been about getting each other off at every opportunity. It had only been months, but I felt so different. It felt right; it felt like where I wanted to be and at last I felt like it could work and I wouldn't mess it up.

Eventually we must have fallen asleep and when I stirred some time later, my arms wrapped around Jacob as he lay with his back to me, it was to the sound of a door slamming and then Emmett's loud voice exclaiming, "What the fuck!"

Jacob jerked upright and swung his legs off the side of the bed. "Shit! Emmett's home! Our clothes!" he hissed.

I rolled onto my stomach and pressed my face into the pillow, snorting with laughter. Our clothes would be scattered all over the lounge; Jacob had literally thrown his t-shirt somewhere behind him as we sat on the couch and most of my things were in a pile next to it.

Jacob pulled open a drawer and grabbed a clean t-shirt and a pair of shorts, dragging them on before jumping into a pair of jeans. I pulled the comforter out from beneath me and slid under it as he opened the door, sidled out and closed it behind him and I listened, sniggering, to their muffled conversation.

"Ugh...Jacob..."

"Fuck, Emmett, you weren't here. It's not like you came in and I was fucking on the couch."

"I don't even want to think about that."

"Then don't. How's Rosalie?"

"Not here, thankfully."

"Didn't go according to plan then?"

"On the contrary."

"You mean you actually want more than just to get her into bed?"

"Uh huh."

"Could it be love?"

"Fuck off. So...this thing with Tyler. Guess it's back on...permanently then?"

"Yes."

"I don't mean to be...off...I just...ugh!"

Jacob laughed loudly. "It's alright, Emmett, you're not going to get a floor show. We fell asleep, that's all, otherwise you wouldn't have been any the wiser."

"Yeah, ok. Maybe you should...take him his clothes."

More laughter and a minute later Jacob came back into the room, a bundle of clothes tucked under his arm.

"Poor Em, you should have seen his face," he grinned. "I just knew he was picturing these coming off."

He dumped the pile on the bed next to me and began to sort out his own things, hanging the cut-offs away in the closet and dropping the rest in the corner of the room, presumably to go in the laundry. I slid out of the bed and began to get dressed, wishing we had our own place again. It was way too soon and the subject hadn't been discussed, but I hoped that not too far down the line he would want to give it another chance.

We went into the lounge then and found Emmett beginning to watch a football game on TV, a bottle of beer in one hand and a few extras on the table. He greeted me a touch awkwardly and I decided to take off rather than make both him and Jacob uncomfortable. I wasn't so sure Emmett would appreciate my company anyway. I knew Jacob hadn't talked to him about what had happened between us over the past months, but there were some things he did know and I wouldn't have been surprised if he was just waiting for me to fuck up.

"I'm gonna get home," I said.

"Tyler..." Jake immediately began to protest. "Um...let's go out and get dinner. I'm starving anyway."

"Hell, get dinner here, I'm starving too," Emmett interrupted. "I'm not being very fair, am I? Just because I don't want to think about what you fuckers get up to, doesn't mean you can't be here."

"I didn't think you particularly liked me," I said.

"Don't really know you, do I? Only know what I've heard and half of that's probably bullshit. Sit." He grabbed one of the bottles of beer from the coffee table and held it out to me.

"Thanks, Emmett." I shot Jacob a grin and sat down on the other end of the couch.

"So, we're comfortable now, you can fix the food," Emmett aimed at Jacob and chuckled.

"You mean you want me to cook?" Jacob grimaced. "Yeah, thanks, Emmett, maybe we'll just go out after all." He pulled open the refrigerator as he said it and took out a pack of something. "Chicken ok, Tyler?"

"Yes, thanks, anything."

"Emmett has to have his daily allowance of protein, so he can go pump iron tomorrow and get the guys in the gym ogling his pecs."

"Fuck off, Jake, just cook!" growled Emmett.

I snorted and took a gulp of my beer. At last it seemed I might be accepted by at least one of Jacob's friends which would definitely make things easier for us since they lived together. At least he didn't live with Jasper, who I knew hated me.

We all ate together and spent the rest of the evening watching TV and talking. I discovered that Emmett was hilarious when he opened up and I seemed to get along well with him. Somehow the evening came to an end and I was still there, thinking I should probably get home when Emmett got up and headed for his room.

"Night, guys," was all he said before the door closed behind him.

"I should go." I got to my feet.

"Will you stay?"

"What about Emmett?"

"He'll be ok."

"School..."

"We'll call by your place early tomorrow and get your stuff."

"Ok. I'll text my Mom and let her know."

Delighted, I pulled out my phone and sent a message to say I would call home after breakfast to get my books for school. Mom answered me within a few minutes to thank me for letting her know and then I followed Jacob to his room. We undressed in silence and slid into his bed, snuggling together in the darkness and exchanging a few gentle kisses. I expected Jacob to eventually turn away from me and go to sleep, but after a moment he began deepening the kiss, pulling me closer to him, his cock pushing eagerly against mine. I moaned softly into his mouth, immediately as excited as he clearly was and he drew his head back after a moment.

"Can you be quiet?"

"I can try," I whispered. "Yes."

He moved away a little and then his hand was between us, reaching for my cock, stroking and tugging on it until I had to clench my teeth to suppress a groan. I slid my hand down his body and grasped him, mirroring his movements until he removed his hand from me and leaned over me towards the bed table.

"What are you doing?" I murmured.

"I want you in me."

"Fuck, Jake."

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking." I heard him tear open a condom packet and then press the circle of rubber into my hand. "Put this on."

I did so, rolling it onto my shaft as I listened to the lube bottle squirt and then the slick sound of him coating his fingers, a soft grunt as he began preparing himself. My cock throbbed eagerly and I lay on my side facing him, waiting for him to be ready and wondering how in the hell I would be able to do it without making enough noise to wake the whole block.

"How do you want to do this?"

"On our sides, then the bed won't bang on the wall," Jacob whispered.

He turned away from me and raised one knee up, reaching behind him to touch my hip. I edged closer, fumbling in the darkness as I felt for his hole with my finger and guided my cock. He was so incredibly tight; I hadn't forgotten how good it felt, but it had been months and I struggled to stay quiet as I inched carefully into him, taking my time, knowing he would probably feel as uncomfortable as I had at first. The position didn't allow me to penetrate fully and I began to move with slow shallow thrusts, sliding my arm around him to stroke his cock at the same time, breathing slow and deep in an effort to stay quiet. Jacob turned his head, pressing his face into the pillow and emitting muffled groans as I gently fucked him and when I felt him come, his fluid spilling onto my hand and his ass clenching around me, I sank my teeth into his shoulder to keep myself from crying out as I filled the condom.

"Mmm...so good..." Jacob panted, his head rolling back against my shoulder.

I chuckled softly and withdrew from him, discarding the condom and grabbing some tissues. "I don't know how I kept quiet."

"I love you, Tyler." He turned towards me and slid an arm around me, leaning close to brush his lips over mine.

"I love you too."

I returned his kiss and closed my eyes, my breathing gradually slowing and sleep beginning to creep up on me. I felt drained, quite literally and at the same time incredibly happy. At last he was mine again and we could look to the future - together.


	24. Chapter 24

EPILOGUE

**Jacob's POV**

MAY 2002

I shoved the last few items of clothing into my case and closed it, carrying it to the door. So much was happening all at once and usually I was far more organised, but the last month had gone by way too quickly and suddenly it was over.

When Charles had left for Japan a few weeks before on a long business trip, he had invited Tyler to watch his apartment for him in his absence. The building's security was sufficient for him not to need an occupant, but I'd been surprised to see him glance at me with a slight smile as he asked his son to move in and it was clear he meant for us to get some privacy there during the time he was away.

Emmett, of course, had been over the moon at the prospect of getting rid of me. We got along well by then, but he had fallen hook, line and sinker for Rosalie and the pair had been desperate to move in together. She had been fighting with her room mate and although she planned to share Emmett's room, they didn't want me there too while they were moving their relationship forward. He hadn't asked me to find somewhere else to live, but it had become obvious he wanted me to.

So I moved in with Tyler at his father's place, leaving most of my belongings behind in Emmett's guest room for the time being while Tyler and I behaved like honeymooners, only managing to pry ourselves apart long enough to take our final exams. Now it had come to an end, Charles was coming back in a few hours and I had to leave.

"I fucking hate this," Tyler grumbled now, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me against him.

"It's only for a couple weeks, Tyler," I reminded him.

"Couple weeks too long." He pressed his face into my neck and sighed heavily and I kissed his ear.

"At least we're going to see each other."

"Yeah, but I've gotten used to waking up with you. Maybe we should go stay in a hotel."

"I'm sure we can survive." I pushed him away a little and brushed my lips against his before stepping away from him.

"Yeah, ok." He folded his arms. "Are you gonna join us for Michael's birthday?"

"I can't do that, it's family," I protested.

It was two days before the anniversary of both Michael's birth and his death, which was why Charles was coming home now. Tyler was dreading the day, fearing it would be the same as the last few years where he spent a morbid few hours with his parents and sister and Les, visiting Michael's grave and wallowing over a late lunch that no one wanted. I had an idea it was going to be somewhat different this time, but there was no convincing Tyler.

"You are family," he said now. "Mom said it was ok."

"What about your father?"

"He will too."

"Ask him properly when he gets back and if he says it's ok, then I'll go," I agreed. "Are you coming with me? I could do with some help carrying that box." I indicated the box holding all my study materials, which I no longer needed, but hadn't wanted to throw away. I planned to pass them on to a younger student who maybe didn't have the means to purchase new ones.

"Sure."

Tyler grabbed up the box and I lugged the case out of the apartment and into the elevator. It took us around thirty minutes to make the subway journey and walk the short distance to Les and Diane's house where I was to stay temporarily until the apartment Tyler and I had arranged to rent became available in two weeks. In theory we could both have stayed at Charles' apartment or Tyler could have stayed with me at his mother's house, but we knew it would have been impossible to keep our hands off of each other and doing anything with members of his family under the same roof, especially Caroline, just felt wrong.

Tyler stayed the rest of the day at the house while we both entertained Caroline and then he returned to his father's place alone. He called me later to let me know that Charles was happy for me to be with the family on Michael's day and I took the rather wrinkled suit out of my case with the intention of pressing it.

"Jacob, you won't need a suit, honey," Diane said at once.

"But, I thought..."

"Things will be different this year. It's taken us far too long to realise it and mostly this is Charles' suggestion, but Michael wouldn't want us all standing around in black mourning him after seven years. He'd want to see us happy and remembering the fun we had when he was still with us."

I was delighted, mostly for Tyler, that the whole family's attitude had changed, although I suspected it would have done so a long time ago if it hadn't been for Charles' inability to move on, just like his son.

Two days later, Charles and Tyler arrived at the house and all of us walked to the cemetery where we stood around Michael's grave for maybe fifteen minutes. Diane had brought bright yellow flowers to place in front of the stone and she, Charles, Tyler and Caroline all spoke to Michael while Les and I stood back a few paces and listened. When we left, Charles and Tyler walked together, both smiling and I trailed behind, now accompanied by Caroline.

"Tyler's really better, isn't he?" she said.

"He is," I nodded

"Dad is too. He's like he was when I was a little kid."

We all spent the afternoon in a coffee house, talking more about mine and Tyler's plans for the future than anything else. In eleven days we would move into our apartment and continue working in the shop and the book store respectively until we got our exam results. I had applied for a position training with Tyler's therapist, Esme and assuming I got the results I hoped for, it was mine. Esme's practice was growing rapidly and she had taken on a temporary experienced therapist to give herself the free time to train up a new person. Tyler had often said I should be a shrink and now I was going to learn to be just that.

Tyler was to do something pretty similar. He had opted for voluntary work at a drug and alcohol rehabilitation clinic and would work there for a year to gain experience before applying for similar paid occupations. Esme had given him a glowing reference and he had been completely open about Michael's death and his own suicide attempt, but the clinic managers hadn't seen this as a problem. If anything, it would give him a better understanding of some of the people he would deal with in the future.

Tyler and I left the others for a while when they parted to go home. We walked in the park for an hour discussing our futures and the fact that eleven days waiting for our apartment to be ready was way too long. However, I'd received a phone call from my Dad that morning and suddenly been given an option for something to fill in the time. I had pushed it aside temporarily to be there for Tyler today, but now I decided to speak to him about it. Unfortunately my savings were tied up with my share of the rental deposit and some furniture we were going to need and much as I hated to do it, I was going to ask him for a loan.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked now and I realised I'd been chewing my lip and fidgeting on the bench near the fountain where we had been sitting for the last few minutes.

"I want to ask you something."

"Well, spit it out."

"It's awkward."

"Are you gonna propose?" he teased.

"Do you want me to?"

"No!" he exclaimed. "Shit, you're not going to, are you?"

"No." I laughed now. "I talked to my Dad this morning."

"Are you going to visit? I know it's been almost a year." He sighed heavily and then smiled. "It's ok, I'm not going to make a fuss about you going, or do anything ridiculous before you get back."

"I was going to ask you to go with me," I said. "I never told you at the time because you were...you weren't well. But after Dad's heart attack he said life was too short. He wanted me to be happy and we talked about you."

"You mentioned it very briefly," Tyler said. "You really want me to go?"

"Yeah, I want you to meet Dad and my sister. I'm only sorry I didn't do it before, but it's the first opportunity I've had to go back really."

I hadn't been able to go home over Christmas. My sister had been delighted to discover she was pregnant again, but her morning sickness had been so bad she hadn't been able to leave the house for some time and Dad had gone to stay with them for a week instead.

"Of course I'll go," Tyler said at once. "Thanks for asking. I don't know why you think it's awkward though; did you think I'd say no?"

"Huh...that wasn't quite it," I snorted. "Um...I need to borrow some money for the tickets. Mine's all tied up in the apartment and..."

"Jerk," Tyler interrupted. "You don't seriously think I'd _lend_ you money, do you?"

I frowned and felt my face flush. He grinned and elbowed me.

"We're a partnership, I'll just pay for the tickets. What does it matter? You'd pay for stuff if you were better off than me, wouldn't you?"

"Well...yeah..."

"Ok then. Maybe we could stay in a motel or something too while we're over there. I know you said your Dad's house is small; he probably wouldn't want us sharing a room though, right?"

I grinned. "Yeah, you're right. There's a motel on the edge of town a few miles from Dad's place. Thanks, Tyler."

"Don't thank me. Just promise to fuck me when we get there. I'm fucking antsy as hell," he grimaced.

"Me too."

I leaned closer and turned his face towards me, touching my lips to his. I meant to draw back almost immediately, but his hand snaked around my neck and his tongue plunged into my mouth. I responded heatedly until a bunch of young guys walked by, muttering something about 'fucking fags'. Then I jerked away and held my breath as I waited for Tyler to leap up and start a verbal attack. Instead, he stretched his legs out in front of him and grinned.

"You know, guys that say that are just trying to convince their friends they don't take it up the ass," he called out.

One of the boys' faces turned scarlet and angry and his friends quickly began to drag him away. Tyler chuckled wickedly.

"You thought I'd deck him, didn't you?"

"Once upon a time you would have." I grasped his hand and squeezed it. "I love you."

"I love you too." He got to his feet now and pulled me up. "I suppose I should get back to Dad's. When do you want to go visit yours?"

"Next couple of days?" I suggested.

"And what airport is it? Sea-Tac?"

"Yeah."

"I'll get online and book tickets when I get home," he said at once.

We parted a few minutes later, me walking back to Diane's house and Tyler heading for the subway. I walked slowly, thinking about everything, unable to keep the smile off of my face. A year ago I had been dragging a drunken Tyler out of a bar, offering him help and telling myself I was making a huge mistake by getting involved. Now here I was, happier than I'd ever been in my life, despite everything that had happened over the previous summer. It was a long time since I'd thought much about the things he had done, but now I realised it didn't matter any more. He hadn't been the same person then that he was now and by giving him the second chance he so badly needed, I'd also given myself the chance to get what I really wanted. We loved each other and we were about to embark on our future together.

I reached the house, spent a little time chatting to Caroline and then went to my room for a while, sending Dad a text to let him know Tyler and I would fly out in the next few days for a visit and that he needn't worry about accommodating us. Within minutes, a message arrived from Tyler.

_'Flights booked, tomorrow, 20:30, LaGuardia._ _Miss you. Love you. See you tomorrow.'_

_'Thanks, can't wait, love you too. Always,' _I replied.

* * *

**A/N Thank you to everyone has read the story; I wasn't sure how popular a crossover would be, but I'm happy to see that it's been enjoyed. **

**I'm also excited that Betrayal has been nominated under "Best Crossover" in the Non-Canon Awards so if you've enjoyed reading it and you don't mind taking a moment out of your time to vote, thank you in advance...**

**non-canonawards blogspot com **

**In addition, my other story Reunited is nominated under "Best Slash" on the same site :o)**


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